A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hmm, so my boyfriend of 1.5 years was talking about his ex-girlfriend (who he dumped after 4 months) saying she was high-maintenance. I asked him if I am high-maintenance too, and he said I'm no maintenance! Is that a good thing or a bad thing?? Do guys prefer girls who are high maintenance?? It upset me a little as it made me feel my bf thinks he needs to put in no effort with me :( I've been thinking about this, and it is true that I put in more effort in our relationship. I'm the one who cooks meals for him, I'm the one who arranges (and pays for!) surprise weekend trips away, I'm the one who arranges for us to hang out with friends, I'm the one who gives him surprise massages, I'm the one who listens to him when he's had a hard day at work....I know he feels more secure in the relationship than I do. He knows I'd never think of cheating on him, and that I have eyes only for him. So I'm wondering if he's a little too comfortable, and taking me for granted a little.... Do I need to make him put in a little more effort somehow? And if so, how?? 'cos that's really not my style. What do you think? Thanks.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (8 March 2012):
 I think there are two kinds of "high maintenance" women.One is those who believe that they want to pursue the "good life" the "high life".... such as dressing in expensive clothing, driving a fancy (read: "expensive") car, attending fancy soirees, locally, and preferring to take expensive vacations....The others are women who seem to somehow always have some sort of drama going on in their lives... such as old boyfriends pursuing them, landlord/tenant problems, car or appliance service problems... and the like...Either is tolerable by a man who EXPECTS and IS HAPPY WITH that kind of woman and those kind of circumstances... HOWEVER, many men find the former too darned expensive (moneywise) and unjustifiable NO MATTER HOW GOOD THE LADY IS IN BED!!!!!... and the latter is likely to be such a mental strain that no man would put himself through that (the strain) REGARDLESS OF HOW GOOD THE LADY IS IN BED!!!!"High maintenance" women can only hope to: 1. Find a man who will tolerate and pay for her, or, 2. Find a man who isn't much in to, and can't afford, her high-maintenance life... but dupe him in to believing that her life is tolerable for him.... then suck him dry until his bank account balance is "$0.00"Good luck....
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 March 2012):
 You are mixing the ideas. There’s high maintenance people and they are tiresome and it gets old fast.. I do not know of anyone who prefers a high maintenance person.. male or female. I joke that I’m high maintenance but I am only in the sense that I want a budget line for hair, nails, waxing and starbucks….. thankfully my partner thinks that’s mandatory stuff to keep me the way he likes me… so he doesn’t see it as high maintenance either… it’s a fact of life for us.
To me high maintenance is when a person DEMANDS time, attention and unreasonable things… I want your attention 24/7… I want you to give up your buddies and be with me on Friday nights… even though I get you every other night of the week… I WANT I NEED I DEMAND… high maintenance folks are all about themselves….
What I see as YOUR problem is that you are the one rowing your relationship boat and you don’t feel like you are getting anything back for your effort… IF you are concerned that he’s not as into you as you are into him then stop rowing the relationship boat and sit and rest and see what happens…. If he starts rowing and pulling his weight then you know he is into you but if you just start coasting along.. he doesn’t call or make plans or pay for things to do.. then you know the truth.
The problem is I bet you don’t want to stop rowing because you are afraid he’s not going to pick up the slack and you don’t want to know that he’s just coasting along for the ride because it’s easy… you are afraid he will not pay for things or call you or make plans… and that tells you a big painful truth….
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): No OP high maintenance is not a good thing. A person who is high maintenance is a chore, like washing the dishes, they quickly lose their appeal. He got tired of it after 4 months and dumped her, what does that tell you?
I think he meant what he said as a compliment OP. The best relationships I've had were effortless seeming. That doesn't mean I did nothing it just never felt like work.
All relationships require maintenance OP, too much and we get jaded and stop enjoying it. Too little and we can get lazy and neglect our partner. OP I don't see that you're doing anything wrong here, and don't need to change anything. Just be careful to make sure that you have your needs fulfilled too. If doing everything in the relationship makes you happy and comfortable then I see no reason to change that. If you want him to take the reigns every now and again, and to surprize you with dates and weekends away etc. just say it to him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): High-maintenance Informal . demanding a great deal of attention, money, or effort: Maybe what you're complaining, is not whether being high-maintenance is good or not, maybe you're just saying that while you're not high-maintenance your bf is, because you're putting a lot of effort in this relationship while he apparently does nothing and you're the one doing the pampering. Yeah I think he may be taking you for granted a little cause you don't demand as much as the ex so he's comfortable just being the way he is and not spending much time/ money/ effort on you and this relationship... Answering your question: high- maintenance is good? well it depends on the BF, if the guy you're dating can buy you gifts, treat you to lavish dinners, holidays... and he's got the money to do so and it doesn't represent a problem to him, so your being a high-maintenance girlfriends simply doesn't bother him, but if you're dating a guy who's poor then your being a high-maintenance gal can be a problem, cause he can never take you out or travel with you or buy you gifts like those you're used to receiving...
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A
female
reader, Shadow Rose +, writes (8 March 2012):
 High maintenance is not when someone puts a lot of effort, its when a person demands a bunch of things.
For example, a high-maintenance person would say something like "I ONLY drink water that is 45 degrees Celsius!"
It's not a good thing at all.
The fact that he's saying you aren't high-maintenance means you're doing something right.
Effort into a relationship and high-maintenance are totally different things.
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