A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello! Any advice on how my boyfriend is handling his family getting to interact with me and, thus, get to know me is very helpful and I appreciate it all! Thanks in advance. Background: My boyfriend (22 yrs old) comes from a low income family. He lives with his Mom, Aunt, and Grandma. He is the only one who works. His house cannot comfortably accommodate every one, so he sleeps and lives in the living room. He lives without any privacy. His family is not filthy dirty, but they do hoard unnecessary things and live in heaps of clutter. He has a strained relationship, he says, with all of his family household members, especially his mother. He feels he is not treated like an adult. They rarely talk or enjoy one another's company. They don't even eat dinner together ever. He tells me constantly how much he hates his living arrangements and wishes to move out.I (21), on the other hand, come from a relatively happy and open family. We've had some stress since the passing of my granddad, but it is bringing us closer. I, too, live at home with my parents, who are still happily married for almost 25 years. I have my own living space. Our house is nicely decorated and clean, lacking clutter. My family eats meals together most of the week. We plan outings often and enjoy conversation with one another frequently. My family is the world to me. I dread the day I move out! haha Nevertheless, I am treated like an adult. I can come and go as I please, so long as I am respectful.________________________________________________My boyfriend's income situation does not bother me at all. I could care less. However, he has frequently mentioned how embarrassed he is because of the clutter and the odd arrangements. He at first never wanted me to enter his home. So, I didn't. I let him choose when he wanted me to. I figured he should do so when he is comfortable enough. I've been over plenty of times to pick him up and have spoken to his family outside several times. I have been IN his house twice and only spent a great deal of time once. We have been together for going on eight months now.The situation was very strange and uncomfortable because we were hovered over by his very protective mother the entire time from 7 pm until 2 am. (I am my boyfriend's first serious girlfriend.) I had no problem spending time with her and chatting for a good portion of my visit, as I know she wants to get to know me, but after awhile it was weird and very contrary to my past experiences of meeting the parents. Usually, they say, "You guys go out and have fun!" or something of the like and the meeting is concluded until next time. I've never had a parent hang out with my boyfriend and I until 2 am. She hovered over us like we were 12.So, adding that to the fact that we really had no space to be ourselves and comfortable with one another made it very awkward for me. I'm not saying we should be totally left alone to have sex or something. But I wouldn't have minded a brief chance to give the man I love a few kisses or to engage in a private conversation. After that experience, my boyfriend mentioned it was awkward too and that he has no problem hanging out at my house where we have privacy during portions of our time together. I told him, though, that I would love to come over for dinner or go out to lunch for a few hours with his Mom to talk more with her. I didn't want to make her feel like I never wanted to get to know her. I made it clear to plan times for me to come over for awhile and then he and I can go out to have fun after said dinner/lunch/whatever. He said he would. He has since never planned anything. He invited me over one time, but I had plans with my family for my sister's birthday which I had to attend. Other than that, he has planned nothing and his Mom and Grandma mentioned to me when I was last over that they have asked him to invite me to lunch and a trip to the mall. I explained to them that he never mentioned it to me, but I appreciate the invite and would love to go. He still never planned anything. Last night, he told me I have insulted his Mom because I never hang out at his house. He told me he has explained to her he was embarrassed about his lack of privacy and awkward living space and he chose to hang out at my house more often. She said she was still insulted by me and he said that he left it at that. He told me I need to come over more. I was furious because I have said on more than one occasion that, while hanging out there for a while is weird, I still want to visit for dinner or whatnot here and there and want to spend some time with them, but he never has invited me. I told him this and he just sat there. I explained that it was pretty unfair to just let me look like the butthole when I have definitely expressed interest and given solutions as how to make this work and less awkward, while he has done nothing. I don't think he really has explained how he was so embarrassed or anything because why would she be mad at me if he did? She needs to take this up with him. NOT ME! My family and I invite him for dinner or on family outings. He never does that for me. He just expects me to invite myself over to his house to befriend his Mother and I find that totally rude and inconsiderate. My family and I welcomed and invited him into our home. He did not need to push himself into our lives. He doesn't welcome me like he has been welcomed. How am I being the insulting one? I tried to push him to make things less awkward and to work. How do I approach this? Am I being rude in not wanting to extensively hang out there because of his hovering mother and total lack of privacy? I feel I am being nice by trying to suggest dinner dates and everything. Do I fix this or leave it to him? Now I feel awkward even just thinking about going over there because she doesn't like me now! What do I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (31 January 2012):
 You're young, and you and him have different lifestyles...Just go pop in next time, no apologies, just be the way you are with no pretending. It's obvious you worry about acting right and doing the right thing and not hurting peoples feelings. If it's awkward, ignore it, that will pass eventually. Or it won't, but at least you know that you have tried your best. Don't have to stay, but just chat for half an hour or something, and you and him go back to your place.This way, mum and her family can't say anything, because your showing by your actions that you accept them and your trying to be friends.As to his actions... not worth making a fuss about his hang ups and inadequacies. This is not a problem you should be making noise about if you love him and want the relationship to work.However, if he pulls crap like this again and tries to get you blamed for something else, then have a long look at your relationship, he might not be able to be honest or cope with problems or difficulties.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is so hard to communicate through text because I don't give every detail in a means to be concise. Let me clear up some stuff:
There are two living rooms: the front which is his and the back which is common area with tv and whatnot. I'm not expecting her to vanish or hide! I wanted to talk to her for awhile. I expected a few hours of interaction. I just thought it was odd to lurk around us until 2 AM. Ive never had my exes or friends parents do that. It was something I'm not used to. After awhile, it seemed like a bit much. Maybe I'm being rude there. Idk I just have never been treated that way at 21.
We met online. After lots of talking, without me shouting "HEY IM RICH YAY!", he told me of his living arrangments. He told me of the horrible relationship he has with his Mom. He told me of his embarrassment. This really didn't stem from me acting superior, and I swear I don't. I don't say anything about the awesome things I have or the nice home I live in. I don't flaunt money. That's obnoxious and cruel. I just welcome him into my home and do nice things for him here or there.
I don't see how I am being prideful. I dont see how I'm being rude because I don't refuse to go over. I just know he has told me he prefers my house for the privacy and would rather be there. So I figured he should pick when we spend time with his family. I'm not justifying, just trying to say I'm not just being evil purposefully. I'm not trying to be rude.
I simply mentioned the income because HE made it an issue! I could care less. I don't sit and think to myself that they are a bunch of handout loving freeloaders because they lack jobs and money. I think his Granny and Aunt are pretty great actually. His Mom has a weird personality, but I've never let on to that and swear I'm polite. I make conversation, I smile, and I genuinely create conversation about things she likes.
I have gone out to say hi when I pick him up. He never lets me in the house or very far in! He never says "I'd love you to come over and spend time with my Mom and I." He gives me the impression he doesnt want me there, despite me suggesting making plans. Maybe they aren't used to plans and invitations... Idk... Maybe he doesn't want me around there often. It just pisses me off that he is entirely letting me look rude when he is the one causing so much miscommunication by not inviting me to what I am invited to, and then telling me he hates being at his house.
Nevertheless, it is about compromise when it comes to love and I should go over there more. I guess now I just feel even more awkward because I don't want anyone to think I'm rude. I have no idea how to fix this without being anxiety ridden and looking like an ass. I've thought of going over and bringing his mom some flowers whenever I next go. Idk....What do I say? Anything? Sorry?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2012):
One other thing.. I know the mum and sisters have TV's in their bedroom.. but poor people usually don't go and hide when visitors come.. they think that it is rude.
Bit naughty of you to expect the mother not to use her own living room, even if her son sleeps in it, when it's time for bed.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (31 January 2012):
The family don't sound "dysfunctional or odd", but you do sound very judgemental because they are not what you are used to.
Your boyfriend is picking up on your feelings of superiority, and that's why he's embarrassed of his family. I think he probably had few problems with his family or where he lives until he started dating you.
Your not rude, you have tried to explain how your perfectly happy to sit down in a cramped semi-dirty house with a ton of poor people who don't have enough space to leave you alone... you've told him your waiting for an invitation so you can go and visit.
The mum's insulted, she's probably never met someone like you, who has her own clean room, and a perfect family who never ever have any problems, because everything in their life is so wonderfully perfect, and they got enough space to put everything neatly.
An invite... nope, don't think poor people do such things, the poor people I know don't, friends and family usually just pop over to sit in your cramped dirty room. Well at least that's how it works for me.
What can you do... sigh.. your so different from his family. I think the mum will feel uncomfortable to send you an invitation, especially as she probably knows that you want her to go away and leave you and your boyfriend alone.
Personally, if you love the guy and you can overcome these difficulties, it would be nice if you actually went into the house, instead of sitting and waiting for him to come outside.
As you said, you've tried... but if she knows you come and pick him up and very rarely come into the house, she thinks your rude already, and only you going round to her house at least once a week and sitting and talking will change that.... next time just go in and have a cup a tea, if she sees you enough, you won't be a stranger and she won't hang over your shoulder trying to get to know you better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe didn't leave our side. She kept watching us and examining our actions. That's hovering. Her, her sister, and her Mom all have bedrooms with televisions, while my boyfriend sleeps in the living room. They live in a decent home. They arent living in a box. They arent utterly destitute. They have money to eat. They all get government assistance. And boyfriend works full time. He tells me about his situation. While they aren't doing as well as my family, they aren't knocking on homelessness' door. Grandma owns their house. Aunt could work but refuses due to her past with drug addiction. They get by. His mother is a hovering overprotective parent for other reasons. She calls him when it is raining to warn him of road conditions. She used to demand he be home by 11 or 12. She has complained that she doesnt understand why we go out on dates during the week and feels he should be at home with her. She tries to ground him.I figured my boyfriend should set the pace because of his ill feelings on the issue, e.g. being embarrassed, feeling economically insecure. I didn't do it to leave him solely responsible. I just felt he would arrange something, not necessarily a meal for your Highnesses standards, when he wanted to. I just felt dinner is an easy thing to do. I dont feel comfortable or right in just inviting myself over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): Lets take another approach.
Lets look at this through eyes of love, kindness, compassion.
I, being born into a very humble home, understand what his Mother and Grandmother feel and perceive about the whole situation.
Also having been blessed to be raised by my Latter Day Saints Foster Parents, I also know what it is to live in a very comfortable, loving home environment.
Even though you have spoken the words you want to go there, you put the responsibility onto him. Unfair. If you are a young woman of your word; you would take it upon yourself to do so and fulfill this commitment.
Integrity is such.
Also perhaps they were so embarassed as if they cannot afford a comfortable home, stands to reason they may not be able to afford a decent home cooked meal to your Highnesses standards. Yah?
Therefore, you would show up with a pre-cooked supper. Making good on your commitment and also serving those who are your neighbours and whom you are to befriend, especially those who live so humbly.
Wisdom is such.
On his Mothers side. He is going between the two of you and therefore, the communication breaks down.
To solve all of this, do as I suggest.
Hard feelings will melt, the peace will be restored.
Also, its not fair to say you are aware they live in confined space yet condemn them for 'hovering'. They also want to get to know you but I could see how it is easier to label it and see it through your eyes as such.
Stop that crap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you! I suppose I shouldn't stress about it. It isn't my fault that he isn't doing anything and yes I am not obligated to become best friends with his Mom. Thanks for putting this into perspective!!!
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A
male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior +, writes (30 January 2012):
 You have no obligation to be part of his dysfunctional and odd family. If you like his company, and he likes yours, that's great. But, quite frankly, you really do not have to feel pressured into making a friendship with his mom. I would just go a little easier on yourself, and not put so much emphasis on the situation.
I have been loved and hated by past and present families in my life. So, I have accepted the fact that you cannot please all of the people all of the time. Someday, when the timing is right, maybe you will have another chance to let her hover over you again. But there's nothing wrong with avoiding awkward situations.
Keeping in mind, that you're dating him, not his mommy. I would hope his mom could understand this too.
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