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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: i'll try to make this short: my boyfriend and I have been together for little over a year. Everything's perfect. However, he's broke and unemployed and that means I take the financial burden.We both live with our parents, as we're in our 20s, "just starting out". When I was single, my plan was to save as much money as possible to be able to move out financially secure. When we started dating, he was finishing school and he's currently studying full time to take his Bar Exam. It's not like he's unemployed because he wants to.The thing is, he has a child, and the child's mother asks for a lot of money (even though she has a good paying job). Since he's unemployed, he can't ask for visitation, since he has to pay child support for that and he doesn't have a stable income (that's how law works here).So, he has asked me for a lot of money. I have helped him because normally it's for important things, though sometimes it's just for things he wants/his child wants. I had been spending a lot of my savings, but I hadn't checked my account to see that a huge amount of money has just vanished.Yes, he's the reason I spend more money than I'd like to. I think he knows that, but obviously I can't tell him straight. It's a really sensitive issue that if mentioned, makes him feel like "a loser".The thing is, we were planning a short trip for the end of the month, I had already booked the hotel and bought plane tickets, and then I saw that my savings have been greatly reduced and had a mini freak out. We had a tedious fight, and long story short, now he doesn't want me to lend him any more money or do anything fun with me because he makes me spend a lot of money, according to him.I think I messed up. Now I feel selfish and guilty, because he really wanted to go on the trip with his child and now he told me to get a refund for the plane tickets and to cancel the hotel reservation. He no longer wants to go on dates and told me I can do whatever I want, but that I shouldn't include him.I don't mind going on the trip and I already apologized for the fight yesterday. I know I made him feel like he's taking advantage of me, but like I said, I already apologized and that was never the intention. I just want to spend a little more carefully so that I can keep the savings I've struggled so much to have. Am I being unreasonable? How can I mend this?
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess  +, writes (12 January 2015):
 He IS taking advantage of you, whether you want to realize it or not.
Instead of thanking you for every thing you have done for him, he throws a temper tantrum like a two year old, and lays a guilt trip on you. You are not the one who should be apologizing to him, HE should be apologizing to YOU.
You have not joined your finances through marriage or living together. he is not your responsibility, and neither is his child. Plenty of people have jobs while studying for their bar exam. I know people who not only go to school full time, they also have full time jobs.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend's attitude speaks volumes. He's treating you mote like a sugar-momma, not a girlfriend.
If he had ANY respect for you, he would be down on his knees BEGGING for your forgiveness for the way he acted, and for taking financial advantage of your good nature.
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (5 January 2015):
No you aren't being unreasonable. And he is just trying to make you feel guilty for something that isn't even your fault.
I have been in your situation and no, you are responsible for his life. He is in the situation because of his own choices not yours. And he lives with his parents for god's sake. It's not your responsibility to provide for him.
Think of how independent you are and if this is really what you want from a partner. Who throws a temper tantrum rather than taking responsibility of his situation
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): You are not married, and even if you were I would tell him to get off his ass and find a job. He could work in a bar and earn more than he does at the moment - yeah it may not be as wonderful as the jobs after taking his bar exam but that's life. You want something you work for it.STOP GIVING HIM MONEY. He had the child, he needs to realise he needs to pay for them. That child's mother feeds, clothes and keeps a roof over the child's head every single day. He needs to learn the value of contributing. I would also take a good look at the qualities he shows to you, and ask yourself if that is really what you want in a partner.He has no real expenses other than funding his child. He lives with parents for goodness sake. I left home to rent at 18 with my bf, now husband, we had the full responsibility of furnishing and running a home and still saved to get on the property ladder. It wasn't easy but when you want something very much you give it all you've got. He has no excuse, I do not understand how people live at home and have no money. If he got a job he'd be a me to save more than most people, no matter what he goes off and does, because he doesn't have a mortgage, house insurance, life insurance, council taxes etc...to be paying out.Stop giving him money, as harsh as it seems if he can't pay his way for a trip you to alone or with a friend you stop funding him. He might then have some motivation to earn his own.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (4 January 2015):
 He is taking advantage of you. And now he's guilt tripping you. Sorry. If he wanted you to save your money, he would tell you in a genuine way. Not tell you to do whatever you want and leave him alone. And you really don't need to be putting all this money out for him, especially if he's just asking for more and more. You are going to keep losing the money you've worked really hard for and things are going to get worse and worse until either he is gone, or your money is gone.
You are a single independent woman, free of marriage or children or burdon and you have earned that by making responsible choices up until now. Spending your money on things that are not necessities may not be the best choices.
It's okay to gift his child and gift him in occasion, but you are rally digging an ugly hole for yourself by handing out money to him.
You have to preserve your independence and financial stability. This is a huge burdon on a relationship and should not be an issue until a marriage in which both parties are able to contribute. I understand he's busy and is going through school to make himself a career, but you are not to be his pole to lean on and get himself trough. Other college students find a way without milking young girls for cash, and he can too.
This is not ok for him to be getting much money from you. I don't care what excuses he has or how well you know him, the relationship is at too young for the two of you to be sharing financial burdon.
You just have to stop before you lose more. His throwing a hissy fit and guilting you is totally inappropriate. He should be thanking you and apologizing to you for what you she sacrifices. He IS taking advantage is you. Whether you mind it or not, he is. And the last thing you need is to spend your money to take a trip for him and his child. That's not what children it grown adults need to be happy. Don't let his baby mama get your money either. I would be livid. That's enough of that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 January 2015):
 STOP bailing him out financially. YOU DO NOT owe him to pay his way. He may NOT be unemployed by his own design, but it wasn't YOUR "fault" either.
YOUR saving are YOURS. YOU need to keep them intact. Don't spend them on stuff (like HIS expenses) just to keep HIM happy.
My advice sit down make out HOW much money you have lend him. MAKE him (if you can SIGN a note that he OWES you that amount). Because I can easily see him dumping you and refusing to pay you that money back. EASILY.
Put a lock on your savings account so you can't touch it. That is what I did in my teen years. I had to give 30 DAYS notice to move money from saving to the checking/ATM.
And then you need to STOP spending money on stuff. ON him.
He has even said, that you should stop, so TAKE his advice and STOP.
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