A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:First thank you to whoever hosts this site and to the many responders with their wisdom. Not sure what advice you can give but any would be appreciated. Will try to be brief. Since I was about 5 years old I always felt different and never really fitted in. My parents did their best but had me later in life (mid forties) and it was a struggle, my father was a serial cheater and terrible managing money, My disabled mother a nagging housewife. It was an upbringing devoid of laughter hugs and cuddles and I dreamt of being someone else. I met a guy when I was 17 and him 16, seemed to be more attracted to boys partly sexual and partly wanting to be them. This guy had a loving family and over the next 25 years I became part of it, we had a sex life of sorts but I always felt he wasnt happy and I am shamed to admit I tried to compensate by trying to buy his happiness. I am not proud that about ten years ago in order stop him talking about finding a girlfriend I met a woman through a dating website, to be honest I guess I was using her. No surprise it didnt work out and she made a play for him (I didnt see that coming) and he and I split. The consequences being all of our so called friends dropped me like a hot potatoe, I lost all of my family too as he is a nice kind guy and they all felt I had "ruined his life". I felt it right to attend his wedding and it was the worst day of my life, seeing the person I grew up with and truly loved be gone, But I am happy for him. The hardest part of that day was how his family and our mutual friends plus my family managed to airbrush the past 25 years of our lives out. It was like I and we had never existed. Move forward I meet a married woman - Yes I know. But somehow it seemed right and all was well for about a year until I found out I was not her only extra marital daliance. At the same time redundancy hit me along with the last remaining family member, my mother passing away. I live a lonely life I work alone and live alone, my family and past friends are all gone, off the christmas card list !!. I tried conselling but maybe I am too arrogant and not trusting enough of the counsellor. I have to say it was good to tell the story of my life but was no help at all in moving forward. Moving to today I have done various online tests and they all conclude I am depressed and may havs Aspergers - Have not consulted my gp. I guess my big question is what now. I have met a guy 30 years younger than me it has only been three months and the relationship is predominantly based around sex, In his words I am his secret friend. I am not stupid enough to think this will be anything more than it is now. Am I being a fool to continue down this road, When it inevitably ends will it make me feel worse. I know I am a mid fifties guy but somehow I feel like I have not become an adult and therefore am more comfortable with younger people. I do not feel worthy of being loved and always focus on what I get wrong and not right. I just feel I dont fit in - Anywhere. I often wonder how much more of this life I have to endure but am definitely not suicidal. Sorry this such a long post, Another perspective is what I need so whether its kind or hard words I would still appreciate them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): Most people become frustrated with counseling; because they don't see the immediate results. They want a cure, yesterday! They hate bringing up their past, or allowing suppressed memories and pain to surface. They feel their doctor is judging them. Sometimes the doctor is a total quack and ineffective. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!
It depends on the diagnosis. Sometimes it takes several tests to rule-out or confirm any mental disorder. Sometimes they are psychological, sometimes physiological; or a combination of both. Sometimes people may have to go through a series of doctors and mental-health professionals to find the best specialist. That's how difficult the mind is to treat. Many mental-health problems are hard to pinpoint.
Willingness to submit to treatment, and trying to find what treatment works best, depends highly on the patient's cooperation and commitment. If you gave-up early on, you've robbed yourself of effective therapy and medicine that could maximize your ability to deal with your afflictions or disorders, and may maximize your quality of life.
You're never too old to make friends and make changes.
Sometimes you have to appreciate what you have until something better comes along. Joining clubs and organizations,or support-groups; brings people together for a common-cause. It's not left up to your charm or personality. It's for a purpose. It may be to promote healing and enlightenment. It offers you company among those who share your pain, or seek common goals.
People don't airbrush you from their lives unless you've inflicted a considerable amount of pain, trouble, or suffering. You explain how badly you were treated in your past-life as you were growing-up; but there's a chunk missing explaining specifically how you've treated others.
You just don't lose everyone in one swoop. You have to systematically eliminate everyone from your support-system due to your behavior. Most good people have a forgiving nature, show patience, or their compassion; if they are aware of where your flaws and negative-traits originate. They don't easily abandon you without good cause. I have to be honest and frank with you here. The abuse-excuse goes only so far. Then there is a matter of choices and personality. We only get to hear one-side of your story.
Friends are different from family. You can choose them as you please. Select them according to things you share in-common. There is always someone neutral amongst the group, willing to give you benefit of the doubt. Even willing to give you a chance for redemption. I don't want to come off as too harsh or judgmental; but I suspect that your "arrogance" you said you showed toward your therapist, attributed to the loss of your friends. Aspergers? Maybe. Who knows? You didn't give yourself the opportunity to get a definitive diagnosis, prescribed program of therapy, or long-term treatment.
I know you've suffered a lot. You do know right from wrong. As you have explained; perhaps you may have depression and emotional disorders badly in need of treatment. However; it was your choice to give-up on help. Now you're facing the consequences of that decision. Unfortunately; people often turn to cruelty or narcissistic behavior when they feel frustrated, or cynical about how life has treated them. Their bitterness taints everything they touch, and negatively-effects everyone close to them. I challenge you to look back in retrospect on how you've treated people in general. How was their kindness repaid?
How did you add quality to the life of the people who were generous and loving to you? How did you reciprocate and show your appreciation? Did you ever seek forgiveness for transgressions against those who cared about you? If you don't know how, you're denying yourself the professional help that may have produced a different outcome.
There, lies so many of your answers, my friend! You are a very intelligent man; so you're not oblivious to what's going on around you, and how you've affected others.
When life becomes sorrowful; I often recommend to people to turn to volunteer-work and charity. If you want fulfillment and redemption, nothing is more rewarding than helping those in need. Find something spiritual to revive hope.
You'll work with other volunteers who possess a a kind and generous spirit. You'll help appreciative people who will remind you that maybe you have it a lot better than you've ever realized. Sometimes you have to be grateful for the smallest or simplest things in life. You have to realize that although you may have had it pretty bad, there are still others who have it worse than you do! When you give of yourself, you receive many blessings in return. Even when people have turned their backs on you!
You can send your lost friends each a heartfelt letter of your most sincere apology. You don't have to burn those bridges. They may never respond to the letters. They may even comeback "Returned to Sender." The point is, your soul is set free. For those who've opened the letters, their hearts may be touched. That still doesn't mean they'll invite you back into their lives. It depends on how badly you've hurt them, and the severity of your damage.
Why waste valuable time and energy feeling sorry for yourself, when that energy could be put to good use?
When you can make friends, help people, and find purpose all at the same time? Then, go back and seek counseling and therapy to talk-out your feelings; and get an understanding of how your upbringing is still affecting your life even far into your maturity. You don't always have to rely on drug-therapy; sometimes counseling and empathy from others sharing your pain go a long way.
Sir, I truly do wish your the best. I hope I've been of some help.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2015): OP here. Thank you for such a well thought out response. You are right my childhood was lacking in fun I think mainly due to my parents being older than their years if that makes sense, They were of a very different generation children should be seen and not heard, only speak when you are spoken to. On a positive front I have made the effort to take a daily walk and in my line of work I meet many people who see me as a cheerful guy, chatty and friendly. To be honest I can do the act so well I have spent a lifetime doing it. I guess I have grown a persona which I use as shield so if some people who knew me realised I had written this post they would simply not believe it. I understand your words about learning to love yourself. This is where I am totally lost I dont know how to start or what to do. It comes back to me being a voyeur of the world and somehow not part of it, seems like other people do this and that which is "normal" and I just dont fit. Thank you again
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 January 2015):
 You have been let down many times and you don't have a strong sense of believing that you do deserve the best. Instead you settle for what others will ''let'' you have. And in view of the past it is no wonder that things are unravelling.
You suggest that during counselling that it may not have worked due to you being '' too arrogant and not trusting'' ?? Maybe. However I would suggest that half of that may be true. Sure you have been let down a lot. But I think your very low self esteem rather than arrogance were what derailed the counselling.
It sounds like you don't love and value you very much. You don't get as much out of life, as you should, because you settle for who will put up with you.
Anyone is not better than No one if the person you settle for is not really right for you.
You cannot buy loyalty.
Although you do not have children I will use the following saying about a man with children. In your case you are a man with ''friends'' who have let you down. And sometimes you have used gifts you have purchased to try to keep their friendship. So one could say that you seek out potential friends, people some years younger than yourself. And you tried to compensate your friend to buy his happiness (with you). Buying support and buying loyalty is no basis for a friendship. It will fail in the end. But you do that as you don't think that You alone are good enough to sustain the loyalty of the person who want to define as your friend
So the proverb is:
''A rich man is a man whose children will come willingly to him, when he has nothing in his hand to offer them''
Before you start looking for any other friends I think it is time that you learnt to put you first.
Explore a hobby or two that is inexpensive and you think might be enjoyable.
Yes you may or may not have a medical condition or conditions. Get that off the table with a visit to your Doctor and a referral to a specialist, if required.
DO ask your Doctor for a referral to a psychologist who can help you to start developing a healthy positive self esteem, rid you of your attitude that you are second best and not deserving of good things in your life.
Because before anyone can value, respect, like and show consideration towards you - then FIRST you have to value, respect, like and show consideration towards you.
Some change in your life is inevitable during every day of your life.
Your parents are deceased and since thet were older parents that loss was always going to happen eventually.
Though they were originally a big part of your life.
I wonder if what you felt about them meant that you didn't have a spontaneous joyful loving environment at home, as a child?
One way to start developing a stronger sense of worth in your life is to give yourself permission to be treated well by others, by first treating yourself well. Be kind to you.
Did you who that for good mental health you need to speak to at least seven people every day.
And you don't speak to them with a view to them being nice to you. No, no no.
Instead you say hello to them and then ask them how they've been doing. Then you listen carefully to their answer and respond with a response that demonstrates some empathy and shows that you were truly listening to them.
Finding true friends is about first loving and caring about and valuing you.
Then about empathy and good listening on your part towards others you deal with. And about learning to be Positive in your dealings with you and others.
And to potential new friends, if they ask about you, do have some hobbies or pastimes or activities that you enjoy. As subjects to talk about. Read the daily news on line. Read some books occasionally from the library.
Next add in volunteering as that can enrich your life and be something else that helps you to build your self esteem.
Find a local charity that needs volunteers. Offer your time and help others.
Also start a fitness routine. Maybe an early morning walk. It's free and will give you an opportunities to say hello to others. Maybe a shop keeper opening up for the morning. Maybe to a neighbor off to work. Maybe a jogger running past.
Once your life is filled with more positive experiences, more opportunities to connect with others. An improved self esteem and a heightened sense of you valuing you - then you will find it easier to attract real friends.
At that point you also have to expect to be treated well and are treated with respect. Spending time with friends does NOT mean that you buy into the friendship. Do not pay more than your own proportion of any account for a meal and drinks together. Do NOT buy expensive gifts for your new friend.
If you want to spend then spend it on you.
What you need to do is rebuild your self esteem from the ground up.
Put your negative experiences behind you. Do not discuss these negative things from the past with new potential friends.
And every day make use of Positive Affirmations - there are hundreds to choose from online.
An example might be:
''Good morning (your name) - today is a new day and you are a good person''
Say the affirmations out loud to yourself when you wake up and use an appropriate affirmation for just before you go to sleep.
Good luck with this. It may take a while and occasionally may be 3 steps forward and 1 step back.
Persistence will help you go forward with positivity.
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