A
female
age
36-40,
*abeen
writes:I am originally from another country and married my husband at a very young age of 19. I was dependent on him for 8 years and had no skills or job to support myself. After 8 years of marriage I separated and moved back to live with my parents in Pakistan because he moved in another girl in the same house and emotionally tortured me alot along with his two siblings and my mother in law.They all called me names and mentally abused and tormented me day and night to the point that I became sick and had to go back home and get treatment for severe depression. After all this trauma and separation of few months I have still decided to go back to him as he says he has broken up with her now and she has moved out of the house. My parents are old and they are my ONLY family.After considering a lot of factors I have decided to go back to live with him but give myself a year or so to become independent and strong and see where the relationship goes. But my most important question is about my security when living in the same house with him. I know the house has my name on it so he can't kick me out legally but I no longer feel safe after all the trauma and abuse I went through. Can i TAKE any steps in advance for my safety so that she does not come into the house again? Should I be getting more in touch with neighbors about my situation or should I inform police in advance about my fears? If she comes again what is it that I can do to protect myself? I don't have any other option in the world as my parents are old, i don't have any siblings or any other family. What are the laws in US regarding my protection so that something like that does not happen again? Please help me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): As Cerberus has explained, you don't return to the source of abuse, and expect people to protect you. You have to divorce your husband.
First contact the following numbers for information:
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE- (800)799-7211
HEALTH RESOURCE CENTER ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE- (800)313-1310
You are very naive about marriage, and you don't have a clue about your civil rights as a person. Perhaps where your husband comes from, men can behave like monsters toward women and their families. That's illegal here.
Unfortunately, the police don't stand guard over you, nor do they evict your husband's mistresses. You would be advised to stay away from him.
Through a divorce, you may split community property down the middle. You get half of everything your husband has. You are returning possibly; because you have no formal education, no job skills, and no other means of financial support. If you do have an education, focus on getting employment and your own apartment, and some means of transportation. He isn't going to change.
You seem no better off than when you left, or first arrived here.
What you should do, is find a shelter for battered and abused women. Get counseling, and apply for education grants for a college education, or career school. You have to learn to support yourself, and not live at the mercy of abusive men.
Too bad about your parents. If you're around 26, your parents can't be that old. Your mother would have to be in her sixties at the most. I suspect your parents are only in their late fifties or mid-sixties. So you might be exaggerating there.
You should not plan on returning home to your husband.
Instead you should find resources for counseling, mentoring from abused women's support groups, and a temporary source of income, until you are able to support yourself.
It is unfortunate that you are as naive as a child. You might have difficulty securing employment; if you have no job skills or experience. You may have to depend on social services for an extended period; because you came to this country totally unprepared. Totally dependent on your husband.
Use your time and energy getting yourself shelter, an income, and an education. Your parents will have to fend for themselves. They somehow seem to be surviving while you're going through hell on your own.
You might be better off remaining where you are, and just learning to support yourself and managing your depression.
You can't come back as unprepared as you left.
Becoming an American woman means learning to fend for yourself, knowing your rights, being strong, and not taking abuse from anybody. Once you have accomplished all this,
you will never have to suffer at anyone's hands again.
The opportunities are here, women have survived and become successful starting from where you are. God bless you, and may your find your way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2014): OP maybe I'm not understanding your question properly but you were abused to point of being so depressed you needed treatment and now you want to go back to the guy that did that?
OP there is nothing you can do to "prevent" that happening again except not going back.
OP there are no laws in the US that can protect you from abuse if you willingly chose to go back to the abuser, and I doubt neighbours really want to be dragged into a domestic issue either. They can only punish abuse after it has happened and prevent it happening by removing the woman.
The domestic abuse laws in the US all centre around removing the source of abuse from your life, harassment orders, restraining orders, sheltered accommodation etc. they don't work for women who go willingly back into that situation. Every mechanism surrounding this kind of thing is about getting the woman out of the situation because that's the only way. OP you're free now. Just because you don't have much family doesn't mean you have to go live in a situation of abuse for some kind of security because you're at greater risk from this guy than if you were alone.
OP take your year of independence and instead of focusing on how to go back to him, research all the options available to you to divorce and start a fresh life. Yes I have a bit of an idea of how important marriage and family are in Pakistan, I have some Pakistani friends. But you have access to America and can do things that way, and be an independent woman who makes her friends her family.
The house in your name at least partially, so you'd get a nice bit of money for selling it or your half. A divorce in America may also give you extra financial security with which to start afresh.
You're living there long enough to know being independent there is very possible and frankly I don't see why you'd go back to a situation of abuse that may well have nearly killed you and next time might be too much for you. OP no one can build themselves up enough to be able to withstand abuse, you'll just be ground down again.
You do have other options OP, it's time you started thinking like an American and started researching all the benefits of independence and how you can build a better life for yourself.
Also get in contact with American domestic abuse charities and things like that. They deal with women who have no family and set them up with accommodation and a support network of friends and other women who faced the same difficulties. They regularly help women set up a new life for themselves and help them not be alone.
Sabeen, you may not survive the second time so what's the point? Life is too short and marriage is not a prison you have to endure, at least in America it's not. You have a better chance at an independent life that most women in your situation, you really should look into taking that more than spending a year in fear of what's going to happen in the nightmare you call a marriage.
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