A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I am stuck in a desperate situation with my current boyfriend. We have been together for 3 years on and off but we have been stable for the last 8months and there months ago he moved in with me. we have always have issues with me checking his phone and reading his text messages and I finally stopped that until a month or so ago when he forgot.his phone at my place and went to work and he received a private message from an application on his phone. To my surprise it was a dating.gay application where he had posted naked pictures of himself and had been messaging WIth other gay men. I did not know how to react because I love him so much and so he says too. and I couldn't believe what it was before my eyes. He is one of those tough guys that "dislike" gay men and I came to find this out. And recently I checked his phone again and he has another gay app on his phone. Please I need advice in how to approach this. I feel embarrassed to even talk about this WIth my.friends. :(((( I don't know what to say to him since the only way I found this out was by connecting his phone and he is going to get furious! Please.help me D
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (16 June 2012):
 "I don't know what to say to him since the only way I found this out was by connecting his phone and he is going to get furious! "
Umm, who cares how he feels? What do you think is more upsetting and more serious:
a. Snooping on your boyfriends phone OR
b. Your boyfriend posting naked pictures of himself on a gay site, talking to gay men and being dishonest about his sexual orientation
So do tell, why do you care if he is going to be angry? Don't you think you have more of a right to be angry? This man is lying to you about who HE is and he is cheating on you. And here you are worried about how he feels once he finds out that you have been snooping?
I hope you have been having protected sex because you could get STDs my dear.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (16 June 2012):
 this relationship has very little trust. that is not what is needed for a successful relationship.
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A
female
reader, mooh  +, writes (15 June 2012):
Do you really need to confront him specifically about this? It's time to rethink your relationship and if you think it's worth continuing on or not when you know your bf is attracted to men too.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Tell him and leave him!
Big tough guys that dont like gay peoeple but are on dating sites naked and are sending messages ARE GAY!
Dont you see this as cheating?!? I would! He is going behind your back and talking to men, for all you know he could be meeting up with these men, having sex with them you just dont know and you wont know until you talk to him about it as that is the only way ypu have of really finding out.
Yes you shouldnt have looked at his phone but what he is doing is much much worse.
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Tell him. Tell him tell him. You have to confront him about this. It does not matter that he knows you looked. You had every reason to look, and you were right as look what you found. I went through my BF;s emails two days ago and found out he was cheating on me. I printed them out and confronted him with them and ended it. End of. I had my suspicions and I was right. I don't care that he knows I looked. I had good reason to look, or else I would have been left in the dark and who knows how long it would have gone on .. years perhaps. I am glad you know. Cheating is also a health issue. If he asks you how you knew, tell him you got suspect. he cannot deny the evidence. Maybe you should consider leaving if it comes to it. .. PM me if you fancy a chat. xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 June 2012):
 Tell him. He is obviously interested in dating men, not you.
As for the snooping, it's never a good thing to invade a partners privacy, you are bound to find something. And these things you can't UN-SEE. So you NEED to fess up and talk to him.
If he is so busy checking out the gay scene maybe he's already "dived" into it? And where does that leave you?
Unless ... he put the app on his phone to CATCH you snooping. Catch 22, honey.
It's time to sit down and talk. Own your actions.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 June 2012):
 "We have always had issues" you said.. As if it is also HIS fault that YOU don't respect his privacy, or him for that matter. Oh no, that's entirely on you. You snoop = you are the one with the problem. Your relationship doesn't have this problem, YOU have this problem. And since the problem lies within YOU and not the relationship you will continue to snoop in other relationships as well. You failing to take responsibility for your actions however is the reason why you STILL have this annoying and disrespectful issue. You're not taking responsibility.
Come on, snooping isn't an addiction. It's a controlled action. Not being able to control your body physically, as in NOT picking up his phone and click through messages.. well, if you're not able to control yourself you belong in an institution. So I don't buy that you for over three years have this as an "issue". You deliberately do it, with intent, on purpose, because you just don't want to stop. No excuses. Take responsibility for your actions.
Curiosity killed the cat, and if you found something unpleasant then GOOD. Maybe now you'll learn what is your business and what isn't. If you had been a loving girlfriend like you say you are then your boyfriend would have told you about this himself, confessed to you, and you could have worked it out. Or if you had a relationship built on trust you'd not be in your position.
What should you do now? Stop snooping. For all you know he laid that out there to set up a trap for you to fall in, and you did didn't you? He "forgot" his phone at yours to test you I bet. Maybe it is all for the better if you start off by being honest. Talk to him. "I made a mistake. I snooped again. I am sorry."
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