A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am just new to living with my boyfriend in a house that he owns. Recently while discussing contributions towards household expenses he told me that he expects me to pay half his mortgage and that he is not interested in putting me on the title. He says that only after we have been together for many years would he consider that. I am wondering at this point if it is just me or does this seem off to anyone else? I know I should be contributing, that is not in question but I feel like something is off about the situation when he wants me to pay for half of his mortgage. I am also questioning the security in this relationship because to me this says that he is not looking at a future with me in a long term sense. Just thought I would put my mixed up thoughts out there in the hopes of some advice.Thank you for your time, Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2010): I'm sorry- I find this question slightly worrying.If you're not that committed to him, why should you leave a 12 month relationship with any claims on his house?? And if you're so committed to him, what does it matter who's name is on the house in the long run anyway??I can't help feeling that this question would have very different responces if the gender roles were reversed!The point is, YOU shouldn't be going into this relationship to MAKE MONEY, just as HE- or either of you- shouldn't be going into a relationship to LOSE MONEY. Consider how much it would cost you to rent this place sharing with one other, and negoitiate from there. It's cheaper to share accommodation and bills anyway, and if this man already has substantial investment in this house, you could end up actually paying less than you would have to to rent anyway- depending how you arrange this.You say that you're concerned that he's not committed enough, even though he's just invited you to move in with him after only a year. If you demand shares in his house immediately I think he might be wise NOT to get further committed to you anyway!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 December 2009):
 Well if you two were renting you would pay 50% of the rent correct? This is basically the same, however, the mortgage is also a kind of an investment.
If you don't agree live on your own.
At least that is how I see it.
I would not put a guy I was dating on my loan/title until I felt truly sure that that was the guy who I was going to live in that house with for a long long time.
Call me jaded.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): I personally don't see any problem with living together without a solid commitment if the financial arrangement is fair. Even though my wife and I didn't decide to live together until we had been dating for 4 years, we were still not ready for the commitment of marriage. We were not yet completely sure that we should commit for life, which is what a marriage should be if thought out carefully. It doesn't always work, but it has more chance of success if the parties take the time to make sure. We had both been previously married and divorced, so we wanted to get it right the second time. We both believe that living together is the best way to know if the partners are compatible. Too many people jump into marriage too quickly.
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A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (17 December 2009):
 If there is not a solid future for you in this relationship I cant see why you would want to live with him.
Taking on shared financial responsibility in a relationship is absolutely normal when there is definite commitment. With out a solid foundation of shared trust and respect you are entering a very precarious situation in my opinion.
You would have a rather poor exit strategy if it came to that, and you don't appear to have the level of faith in this relationship that would make it a safe and sound idea.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 Difficult one, but really one of those things you should have discussed BEFORE moving in.
But if you lived on your own before, then you are now saving those housing costs aren't you? So can't this simply be seen as paying rent?
On the other hand, it ain't rent, it is a mortgage and the whole point of the higher costs of a mortgage is that you end up with a house at the end. And you wouldn't... but then, should he pay for your housing?
And if your name goes on the deed, do you then own half despite him having paid for years on his own?
This is why pre-nups exists.
I would say that this is more being practical on his part then not being willing to commit.
But your update that you make less then him makes things a bit unfair indeed. I would take a step back and closely examine the relationship and his attitude about it without the rose colored glasses. Is all the housework equally shared? Then does he pay for your housekeeping services?
Money can be a big issue in a relationship but it is often only an indication of deeper problems. Personally, I think he is taking the wrong attitude. He payed the mortgage on his own, so why not continue that and just ask for sharing other expenses if he doesn't want to risk giving up the house?
He doesn't just sound like he wants his cake and eat it too, frankly he sounds mean (as in cheap) as well.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 December 2009):
 Another thing is not to purchase any large ticket items together. Keeping finances separate is very important, also if you keep good books there will never be any confusion over who owes what.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Here is what my wife and I did many years ago when she moved in with me before we got married. We had been dating for about 4 years when she moved in with me. We split the utilities 50-50. We split the food costs 60-40 because I ate more than she did. She paid me 1/2 of what she had been paying in rent. Actually, she thought the rent was too little to have a nice house to live in, but I thought if was fair because she did most of the housework after she moved in.
If you are paying much more than 1/2 of what a rent would be then you are paying him too much in my opinion. I also agree with him though that he should not put on the title. That is just too risky for him in case you split. However, it is taking advantage of you for you to pay 1/2 of the mortgage. Split the utilities and food and pay a reasonable amount in rent. By the way, I made somewhat less than double what my then girlfriend made in salary.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 December 2009):
 In essence, he's asking you to pay him rent, I guess. It's just that he gets the equity and you get a lousy return on your money.
It's reasonable to expect you to pay toward the cost of the household, I don't see a problem with that. I guess I question why you'd move in with him if you don't have a really solid commitment. If you're trying to save money, basically, you're taking the rent you'd be paying and giving it to him to use for his mortgage. If you two wind up together in the long run, well, you'll have that money back if the house appreciates. If you break up, the money you would have paid for rent elsewhere went as rent to him, and he reaps the financial benefits of it.
I would go to a financial advisor and ask this question, you may want to buy your own place and start to build your own equity. You could rent that place out and if your romance ends, you'd have a place to live that you own.
Having seen the messy end of the reverse situation in a break up of a male friend of mine (where she was on the deed but had never paid toward the mortgage), I can see his hesitation to put you on the deed.
I get back to why you'd move in with him if you aren't planning to be married. Seriously. I know lots of people live together without getting married, and it works great if things go well, but if you break up, someone winds up financially screwed. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, right? And it sounds like his best is that you're together for a while.
The number I'd question is the half the mortgage. He'd have to pay that, no matter who lives there. I think a more reasonable solution to this is for you to research what it would cost to rent a place like his and then pay half of THAT, not half of the mortgage, which is his own private issue between him and his bank. The active rent market is what you should be looking at, as the arrangement he's proposing is you renting from him if you are not on the mortgage or deed. You'd have to pay rent somewhere anyway, I think.
He has house maintenance responsibility, repairs, all the financial burden of owning a home goes to him. If the hot water heater goes, you don't have to pay toward the repair, as he is the homeowner and essentially the landlord.
If he doesn't see you long term, then I'd say you look upon him as a landlord if you move in with him. Draw up a rental agreement and work through the details, so that when the breakup comes, you both know your legal obligations.
My advice, reconsider the move in. If you do decide to stay, set up a formal rental agreement, based on fair market value of the place. Personally, I'd go off and find my own place, it makes better financial sense for you longterm.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (17 December 2009):
 In my opinion you shouldnt be living with a bf and you shouldnt be paying half a mortgage if your not on the title you can pay other expenses like electric etc if you and your bf split you will be on the street while hes livng in a house you put alot into this doesnt sound like the type of guy you should marry, In my opinion the man should by the house and have everything allready prepared for his wife if things get difficult along the way illness loss of job etc the wife can certainly help out but the foundation should allready be there
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 hi, if half the mortgage is more than a reasonable rent for where you are living, i'd tell him no way!
If you were renting from him, then the money would go towards the mortgage anyway, wouldn't it?
I sounds like you feel he is using you.
This isn't a good basis to be living together.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Hello, I do make less than him to answer your question. he does want everything split 50/50 and his name will be the only one on title. I should also clarify that when I say that this living relationship is new I mean that we have been together for a year now. I am looking towards any signs that would suggest that he is serious about something long term at this point and the fact that he is not interested in putting me on title but having me pay for his mortgage sounds very off to me.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 Hmm, this one is a little bit tough to answer, there are so many grey areas. Is he splitting all household costs 50%, is there a disparity in wages, ie does one of you earn much more, or less, than the other. I would feel very uneasy about paying 50% of the mortgage with no return, but I need more information please.
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