A
female
age
30-35,
*ymy
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for a few months, we get on very well and are very close but I have a bit of a problem with his ex. It's a bit of a long story so I'll try and put it in a nutshell.His ex and he were together for two years but she was incredibly high maintence, paranoid and possessive (of course I recognise I only have my boyfriend's side of the story, there is probably a lot more to it). He eventually broke up with her when they were at uni and she tried to kill herself, but he got her suicide note and got her to the hospital in time. Since then (this was about 2 years ago), they parted seperate ways and within months she got another boyfriend and moved in with him (she strikes me as the kind of girl who needs a boyfriend in order to be stable, she jumped into it very quickly) and moved in with him after a short period of 5 months. She got back in touch with my boyfriend simply to brag about her newfound relationship and chatting on about moving on etcetc. Now 4 months later she is having problems with this boyfriend and has been texting my boyfriend giving him updates of her daily life (getting a blood test, walking out on her bf twice, arguing with him) and it has been getting to me. My boyfriend told me about this because he didn't want me to find out further down the line and presume something else. I asked if he was still interested in her and he said no, in fact, he was frustrated with her. I bit my tongue because I didn't want him to think I was being possessive or anything but I feel like his ex is hustling back in because she wants to move back (the bf she just left was awful compared to my boyfriend and her ex). I don't want to tell my boyfriend to stop communicating with her because I think it will cause friction or create an argument, but I can't help feeling a bit worried because even though he's reassured me he's got no interest in her, I think she does- or she's just looking for attention.has been diagnosed as bi-polar I should also add the three of us are attending a convention next month and I'm assuming there's a likelihood of running into her which I'm scared of. Do you think I should let things play out or actually ask my boyfriend to ask her to back off?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): cool - you knew all that anyway - i have read your advice here. you didnt need me :) hope it works out, but watch for the psycho bunny steamer (more healthy than boiling).
Star.x.
A
female
reader, Mymy +, writes (13 March 2009):
Mymy is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks very much for your advice! I spoke to my boyfriend tonight and told him what was on my mind and why I saw her as a problem. I told him that I didn't have a problem with him speaking to her in itself, but the fact that he spoke about her so much- and he's promised he'll do his best to keep a lid on it. He said that the worst is most likely over, as she has supposedly finished with her boyfriend and is back to square one- she is an emotional wreck at the moment so obviously he needs to tread carefully, but he reassured me he's got no intention of carrying things on further with her. I'm feeling much better about this, I think the fact I'd bottled it up for so long had made it worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): hmm i think say to him - "look i appreciate what you are doing but i don't need constant news flashes of her life - its like having an ex shoved in my face all the time. Can we limit to things that will affect us.
or just give it to me in one small session as a sumamry.
I trust you so please do this for us."
ask if he txts back about the two of you?
Hugs star.x.
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A
female
reader, Mymy +, writes (12 March 2009):
Mymy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy main problem is that he seems to talk about her quite a bit. When she updates him on something, he passes it on to me. I understand that obviously a 2 year relationship that ended in such a way isn't something you forget so easily, but I feel he's telling me more than he needs to know, saying things like 'she really doesn't know what she wants in life right now' and 'she won't go to counselling but she's reading about it' etcetc. I spoke to my friend today and she was shocked that he'd been telling me all this, she said it was thoughtless of him and I'm starting to think that he might be picking up on it because when he was texting me today I wasn't as enthusiastic and bubbly as I usually am. It's had me really upset today- I feel bad for not being able to just assume everything is fine, I trust him but I think my problem is that I don't trust her to know when to stop, she's craving attention and sympathy but surely there's someone other than your ex you can turn to for that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): your bf is just being nice they had a relationship and then he found her when she tried to kill herself its not somthing you forget trust me. Its a tricky situation but you either trust him or you dont.
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A
female
reader, Mymy +, writes (11 March 2009):
Mymy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. Like you said, the last thing I want to do is come across as possessive by asking him to ask her to back off or anything. But I really do see her as a threat, he is too nice to tell her outright but I'm anxious she will have some tricks up her sleeve.
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A
female
reader, Jmo  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 I don't think you have reason to be worried. It sounds like this girl is a nuisance and an annoyance and it seems your boyfriend feels the same way. Even though he is still accepting her texts doesn't in any way show that he's still interested in her. There's something to be said about having past relationships with people who are unstable, they still remember the other person as their rock. As long as you trust your boy (and it seems you should) just let it play out and hopefully it will be over soon. Besides, SHE was possessive when they were dating, you don't want that to be you.
-Jmo
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): tricky - i think you are a key player here. (strange that) think you should support and re-enforce the boyfriend and suggest that he gets her to cut down - e.g. ask her why she is telling all this - could she save it for a txt 1 week etc.
think at the convention you have to be with him and tell him you need to show her that he is yours. e.g. make sure she doesn't separate you guys. that he is with you as much as is reasonable.
look on the bright side it could be like four weddings and a funeral at the first wedding!
Hugs.Star.x.
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