A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had an affair of the heart. I'm married and have been with my wife for 7 years, and we have a son. There is nothing wrong with our marriage in general, nothing I'm unhappy about. Anyway in February a woman came into my life. She works for the same company but not in the same branch, though visits my office every Friday. I always though she was attractive but nothing else. Then we started talking and feelings developed. I felt things I've never (or forgot) felt before and fell in love deeply. She told me she loved me too and we would spend hours emailing and online chatting as well as sexy texts. We did kiss a few times but nothing went further, but very easily could have, I was so happy when i was with her. To cut a long story short we decided we need to try with our partners because although we where in love, we where also still in love with our partners and they didn't deserve this. The one good thing that I thought would come out of this was we would be good friends. I'm pretty introverted and prefer to have intimate friends rather than many and I really opened up to her like I had with no other. So far so good right? Nah, almost straight away it felt like she was pushing me away. I approached her once about it and she agreed that we hadn't spoken much but she was really busy and tired all the time. I understand that she wants to move on and is the reason for pushing me away but it hurts because I still love and she seems to have flicked a switch and is over me. I though I wanted to be close to her still but now I'm thinking I should just let her go, not to spite her to get a reaction, but for me. I don't ever want to get intimate with her again because I'm honestly trying with my wife (which is going good), but I did want to be friends. But then again, am I just saying that to be close to her, will I eventually try and reach out to her again? I just don't know. To be honest I just want her out of my head, I want to be able to think straight again, to concentrate on my hobbies, my work, my family. To not feel jealousy or obsession. I want to be numb to her.But I work with her too, so its difficult to just cut her off and I don't want to be the villain. I've tried this week to keep my distance and she already asked if Im in a mood with her, fortunately I'm busy and so was able to use that as an excuse. But now I've got all week to get through and next Friday. I'm dying inside and i don;t want these feelings to turn to bitterness. Am I doing the right thing...am I on the right track? Will I ever get her out of my head? She mentioned she wants to find a new job, half of me says thank god, through her absence I can finally get over her, then the other side feels pain that I will never see her again :(I've so fed up and depressed about it. I just want to move on.
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female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (9 September 2011):
Thanks for the follow up.I am pleased for you :) hope it all goes well, and best of luck.x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday was a good day, we had lunch together and I think we both knew a 'talk' was on the way. It went well, I said all the things I needed to say, it came out jumbled up and totally out of the order I wanted it to come out in, and I probably went a little further about feelings than I should have but never mind it all out now. We both said some home truths and at the end of lunch things where more positive and friendly. I think I'm have closure now and ready to 'get over' her. I will always care but as you've said previously there could always be a bond. Its alot easier being on friendly terms and dealing with feelings than being on bad terms and wondering what the other person is doing/feeling/saying. And I think we both realize consideration and space is important. We're friends and I hope it stays that way.I feel I can concentrate on other areas of my life now, wife, family, friends, work, passtimes. these have all been affected. And especially my wife, she deserves a life time of attention over this. Thanks for the advice, hopefully I won't be back, well not over matters of the heart anyway.Cya x
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (7 September 2011):
Lol, if I listened to the advice I give, I wouldn't have ever had any relationship problems! It's a lot easier to give advice to others but harder when it's your own problems isn't it? ;-) Thank god I haven't got any problems relationship wise at the moment, but maybe if I do, you can help me out on here if I ever post any?!! lol
You seem a bit brighter tonight, since your email from her, and I hope you clear the air between you, just be careful to try n keep it just friendly. (You don't want to cause an atmosphere for colleagues!)
At least you have the evenings with your wife, and staying in is the new going out now isn't it? Hahaha! You can't go wrong with the M&S meals for a tenner imo!! Or watching a dvd together (something you know she'll like), give her a massage, run her a bath etc etc. Do post how it goes on Friday and after that, try not to be alone with her too much, just until you are fully sure you can guarantee nothing will happen! ;-)
I appreciate you don't want to abuse the Auntie's babysitting offers (but I'm sure she enjoys babysitting for you anyway) and if she knows you want to spoil your wife occasionally, I'm sure she would be glad to help out! Not sure how old your boy is, but maybe when/if he's school age, he might get a 'sleep over' at his friends occasionally giving you a free night together?
Good luck with Friday! Hope it brings you closure, and your head is clearer after it! :-) x
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYour good at this :), I feel I owe you something in return, anything you'd like to share lol?Gparents aren't an option unfortunately, one grandparent suffers from depressions and has 8 dogs! And my dad is a widower and retired. We haven't really got many friends that would but an Auntie does occasionally, just don't want to abuse that option to much. Fortunately our son has regular like clock work sleep patterns and so we do have evenings together, and this week we've been getting on really well. I feel positive about it. Still plenty I can do though to make it even better.Well I had an interesting development today. As mentioned before it felt like the other woman was pushing me away and we haven't spoken in over 2 weeks apart from polite small talk. I though i was doing ok but today was difficult because we had a disagreement about something work related and to be honest from a friendship aspect the silence was deafening and I missed my old friend that I could just call up and vent. Then at 5pm, just when I was feeling totally fed up with the way the day had turned out she sent me an email simply saying 'Just wanted to so say thanks for everything and that I've been and still am a good friend'! Well I was taken aback, trust me when I say from this woman that is an apology! Turns out she acknowledges we haven't spoken and we agreed to talk on Friday. I feel better and not because of feelings because I definatly want them gone and buried, but purely because 1) shes recognized that we where good friends and 2) When Friday comes around there will be less of a dad air between us. We're going to talk on Friday to clear the air.She had a doctors appointment that was nearer where I work than where she works.:)
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (6 September 2011):
You did well today in work with her.
Remember she is also going through the same thing though (I mean trying to deal with getting over you so she is probably also finding it hard to know how to act towards you!!)
And you feel angry/sad/bitter (even hatred at times!) towards each other for quite a while (so better try and accept those feelings and deal with them as they arise!) | was in a similar situation to you once, and also worked with the person and saw them every day, and it was really hard, and tbh only really helped was when they left the company and moved away. Though we are still in occassional contact (he is not married anymore!) This was years ago, and still we still have something a bond or whatever I don't know why?! Some people just seem to permanently affect you in life I guess?!
It's a shame you can't get a baby sitter once in a while (no grandparents or friends you would trust?) Because I'm sure you would enjoy a night out together or weekend away very much.
How come she came into the office yesterday btw? I thought you only saw her on Friday's? Maybe it was an excuse on her part? I hope you have a nice time for your wife's birthday anyway, and when you find yourself thinking of the other woman, remind yourself of your wife and son and what you would have lost if you carried it on. Hope this Friday goes ok with seeing the other woman in work. Remember to smile, be polite and professional (even though you may be seething inside!! x ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Fate100Percent.
I'm trying, its difficult because my wife and I so busy with our jobs and we don't have anybody to babysit which makes time together limited, though i am planning something soon because her birthday is coming up :). Also after work, before I step through the front door I try and put myself in a good mood for my son (as hes so hyper at the moment) else I tend to be snappy when I'm tired, in a bad mood or distracted.
Still can't get this woman out of my head though, it didn't help that she came into the office yesterday. i was good, I only said hello and goodbye but it also made me angry because she didn't even attempt to make conversation. Probably proof that shes moved on. I guess Rome wasn't built in a day and I just have to keep on trying to forget though my thoughts are turning to anger and dislike towards her, if it helps move on them maybe its the way :)
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (5 September 2011):
Until you are fully over each other you can never be just friends...I think you should just be polite to her in work and if she comments you are being cold/in a mood with her etc, just state you are trying to make your marriage work and want to keep your relationship strictly professional from now on.Think about your wife and son, is it worth losing that for someone you shared a few 'kisses' with? Also you don't really know her like you know your wife do you? Yeah an 'affair' seems exciting, you think you are in love etc, but that's because you are only seeing/sharing part of that person. When you get together with them in the humdrum of 'normal' life, bills, work etc, they may not seem quite as exciting! If you really want to give your marriage ago, you need to make time for each other, and make each other still feel special, and forget about this other 'fling' and if you can't do that, you have to question whether you want to be married to who you are with? x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. Your right of course and I have been trying. Things are better but it is difficult. As you say Life does get in the way especially since our son is 2 and turning satanic hehe. We had our anniversary a few weeks ago and we went away for the weekend, just the two of us. And it was great, and I did start to feel those old feelings coming back. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife but its the cliche 'I love her but I'm not in love with her' kind of thing. While we where away I hardly though of this other woman at all, if I just keep it up I'll be out of this rut that I'm in :) Just got to get through this week now, I feel I'm almost there. Thanks
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A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (4 September 2011):
Yes, you're on the right track. It's painful and difficlut now, but this, too, shall pass!In the meantime, you need to direct your thoughts and energy into your marriage and family.Spark up the romance with your wife. Talk to her, laugh with her, spend time as a couple, not just as partners and cohabiting co parents!Spend time making yourself look good for her. Buy her flowers. Take her out (not to dinner, unless you're both really into good food) somewhere fun for the two of you to have a good time.As the two of you rekindle a real relationship out of the ashes of the courtship your marriage has left behind, you will find yourself falling in love with your wife all over again, like its the first time. It will take effort and time, but you and your wife can have the deep, passionate, fun, and meaningful relationship you both had envisioned before you both let life get in the way!
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