A
female
age
41-50,
*erinity
writes:I just don't understand him anymore. I've have posted several questions pertaining to my relationship with my husband who is an alcoholic and has become verbally and physically abusive over the past 2 years. I have received some great advice and I have removed my children and myself from the home (approx. 1 month ago).Anyways, he basically gave me an ultimatum 2 days ago. He said he needs to know if I'm coming back to him or if it's over because he can't go on like this anymore. I told him that I could not answer that question until I see an effort on his part.He keeps promissing change and saying that he has made changes. He says that if I'm not there, how can I see the changes that he's made. Well, I've taken the kids to see him on several occasions and he has still been drinking, not a lot, but still drinking. The last time I went to see him he hid a beer in the bathroom medicine cabinet, because he "didn't want to deal with the argument".I didn't call him back and after 2 days he called me (last night) saying that I was cruel for not calling him back and he feels like I'm moving on without him. He keeps telling me that it's not fair to take the kids and myself from him when he needs us more than ever. I told him he needs to take some responsibility for the situation he's caused and he said "no, I won't" and hung up on me.Am I missing something here? How is it that I'm the bad guy here? I really think he truly believes that this is all my fault, and I'm to blame because I'm the one who left the situation. He said that if I really love him, I will come back and that I "shouldn't live in the past". I'm at a loss here, any help?
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Speaking from experience and totally relating to your story...from my past experience, the only way my alcoholic husband was to ever become sober was to divorce him. I heard the many promises he made, always to be broken and so was my heart. I used to find beer in his boots in the closet and behind the bed...I was quite the "detective" in my house. I feel so much better now and also because I did take time to go in to Alanon for my own sake and well being. Being married in this "type" of situation/relationship we are in, does play and affect us even though we may feel or think it does not...because we only see it as "he" has the problem. What we don't see is how it did/does affect us and will even in to a new relationship down the road.
When you speak, you mean what you say and never go back or give in. This is a must. In order for him to understand you mean business you must always be clear and not give in to his manipulative ways. They are quite good, actually excellent in this field to be quite honest. Also great in making you feel as the most wonderful woman in the world to get back with you, sex could even be "more" awesome, but then they go back to drinking when they promised not and here goes the cycle again. Now we are hurt even more so, and what did it do for us? Except add more pain to what we already feel.
We will always be the bad guy to them, merely because they have not accepted they have a problem. And even when they do, that still doesn't mean there cured. It is what they say in AA..one day at a time..because any day, even during sobriety they could always pick up a drink and start all over again. It's a disease, just as cancer..we should always be loving, yet firm. Always mean what we say, and we cannot take responsiblity for their wrong actions or doings.
May you find the strength to move on, because just from what you have stated, he is not ready to change...I can feel it. He is lonely, he needs you and if you still found and saw him drink and he is not accepting or getting help, he is not ready nor is ready to admit he has a problem. Who knows how long it could take...each are different.
God Bless and Good Luck
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
 Thank you. Your a good lady. I'm proud of you. We do look at our own situations differently. We know what the answer is, but it doesn't hurt to have what we all ready know validated by someone outside. That's why motivational speakers fill the stadium, and many of the audience members have been there before.
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A
female
reader, juls57 +, writes (28 September 2007):
My sister is going through the same thing right now. Only, she has not been able to leave the relationship. He says the exact same things to her to make her stay. You are doing the right thing. You are away from him. Do not blame yourself. You cannot control what he does. You can only control (or try to) what you do. You are very strong and courageous for leaving him. Stay strong and stay away. I have a friend that told me that it was over 1 year before her ex stopped giving her a hard time when she left him. (He was abusive and did drugs and drank a lot as well.) Hang in there. Reach out to your circle of support when you need it. Don't fall for his tricks. He is only trying to manipulate you.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Serinity +, writes (28 September 2007):
Serinity is verified as being by the original poster of the question You guys are right. I don't know why I keep questioning myself on this. If it were me giving someone else advice on this situation I would be saying the same things. I suppose when "your" the one who is actually going through the experience you tend to question things that you wouldn't normally question as a third party. RCN and Irish, you two have actually played a big role in helping me understand my situation and you have helped give me the motivation I need to move forward with my life, for me and my children. I feel a little better every day. God bless you both and thank you so much, again.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (28 September 2007):
I commend you. You're amazing, the strength you possessed and stood your ground. You are not the bad guy. Something I want you to really look at is "truth" or "fiction". You're the bad guy? FICTION, You're a caring mother looking out for your kids best interests? TRUTH You needed to leave the situation. You have the right to leave the situation.
He needs help before you even consider that situation. He hasn't changed. There are two different forms of changing (1) for ourselves, because we choose to be better people (2) to make someone else happy (never lasts).
Don't look down on yourself of the decisions you've made. You've been strong and when dealing with abusive asses, you need to be that way. Abuse should never be part of a relationship. Nobody had the right to physically lay a hand on you. It' not just the law that states that. It's part of having strong morals on how to treat others.
Love is suppose to be caring, sharing, comforting, loving someone. I see abuse as a form of love, but it's the love of control. I really don't see how someone could love being in control, be physically or mentally abusive, and actually claim that they love their partner.
He will place blame, if he can't take responsibility for his faults, he's not going to take responsibility for this. Please stay strong, taking your kids back there now would be putting there wellbeing in danger. Take care and have a good day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2007): Hi dear, I just answered your other posting but I wanted to also make some comments, in light of this recent posting you have put up, here on the site. Serinity, you have seen that he is not making the effort to get his drinking under control. He is calling you a bad guy to manipulate you back into his world and his nightmare. He is lonely and he's where he put himself. You are out of there. You have made the strong choice to control "your own" fate and future all on your own rather then having a bottle of liquor, do that for you. He may never be cured but allow yourself to be free and cured. You no longer want to be the wife of an alcoholic or have your children raised by such a man. Don't let him manipulate you into thinking otherwise. Stay on course and keep your goal in mind..to not tolerate his alcoholism anymore.
No one the means or ability to make him stop drinking. He needs rehab, intensive counseling and the strength to swear off booze, for the rest of his life. And even then, he may never change his behavior. He will always be an alcoholic. You don't know what future you have. He may be two years from sobriety or 20-30 years from sobriety. And then again, he may spend his entire life inside a bottle. No one knows for sure. You need to contact everyone you think could help you. That includes government services, AA, career counselors, women's centers, churches, and an attorney. Look into every possible type of assistance. Your goal is to get yourself and your children out from under the control of an abusive drunk...your husband. Don't go back to that simply because he calls you the bad guy. That's silly isn't it? You aren't..you are the one saving and protecting yourself and your children
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