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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My little brother is 17. About 3 weeks ago, he started dating a 16 year old who is 7 months pregnant. The baby's father left her when she told him. My brother has known the girl for about a year now and has told me that he intends to put his name on the childs birth certificate. I've tried telling him that it was a bad idea, but he won't listen.I need a little help, because I have no idea what to do.I don't want my brother ruining his life by taking responcibility for someone else's mishaps when he can't even take care of himself.Then, what if they break up and she decides to go after him for child support? Legally she can if he's named the father.How do I handle this? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): Given additional background, I suspect brother sees this as opportunity to have the type of family life he never had: father, mother, child. Desperate attempt to achieve "normalcy" any way possible.
I'd suggest see a lawyer to see if you can legally disprove paternity and a counsellor for him to start sorting out his issues.
He is completely incapable of being responsible parent, sees this is as a way to play house with live doll.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Actually, any decisions your brother makes from now on will affect you and your family. But if you told him that you won't help him support the baby, that would be a good thing.
Maybe your parents are just waiting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs I've already stated, our parents are useless. I've spoken to them both and they didn't care.
So implying that I'm not a "good daughter" or am lying to my parents is very insulting.
I've had my brother since he was 13. I've practically been his mother since he was born. He doesn't normally go against me which is why I have him and not my parents or sister.
I've been finacially responsible for him for 4 years and I'm not even 24.
Until he turns 18, any decision he makes also effects me and my family.
I asked him last night why he wanted to and he told me that his gf wants the baby to have his last name and that it would piss the baby's biological father off.
I told him that was a stupid reason and he just shrugged.
Don't get me wrong, I like his gf, just not this situation.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 July 2012):
 Look on the bright side! You'll become an aunt! Ask him to be godmother. Start going baby crazy with things you and the baby want. Adopt the entire concept. I'm fairly convinced that this is part of his "rebelling" actions as a teenager, an action he will soon regret. But once he sees that he's not going to get the reaction he hoped for he will just let it drop.
Tell him you take him seriously, and... then take him seriously. Sit down with him going over the budget he has. Then also, since he is old enough for a kids, tell him he needs to move out. Naturally, as you expect he will want to be part of this baby's life, you can't have him live with you. Oh no. He wants this life with a child, then that means he needs to go all the way. No halfways. He needs to move out. Help him with looking for places, and looking for a job, help him figure out how he can get money, if there is any support to get from the government for example.
Tell him that unfortunately you can't help him out with money, much as you wish you could. But this will be his child, not yours, and you can't afford to help pay for it.
Just take him seriously and I think that alone will give him a wake-up call in terms of what serious means. Right now I think he isn't thinking at all.
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (27 July 2012):
You need to get your parents attetion on this situation as soon as possible. This is very bad on all part. Theyre going to actually falsify documents stating untrues. Where is the bio-dad?
This child belongs to its mother in her bio-lover, not her brother. When this child is born the bio has right, her brther does not. He has no responisibilty towards that child and the way she moves from guy to guy...well.
I would be a good daughter and stop lying to your parents. When a person with hold information its the same as lying. I have a son in two daughters. If you were my child trust me all my confidence and truxt in you would disappear.
GO TELL!
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (27 July 2012):
I agree with the poster, and then I disagree.
I agree that the brother is too young to really know what he would be getting into, and I also agree that later into the relationship he could want to leave her and then she would want child support. Three weeks is like a second in terms of knowing the girl and what responsibilities are coming with her. If we look at things this way, then he must not take resonsibility for the baby. No one would blame him if he didn't.
On the other hand, if he wants the girl, he needs to take responsibility of the baby. Maybe he can avoid giving the baby his name and having a legal responsibility towards mother and child, but the fact is that this girl is having a baby and the baby needs to be part of their relationship.
I don't think the poster needs to take any action or get her parents involved. The parents will get involved if they think they need to, anyways.
He's not legally of full age, but he's not a child either, and he might resent that mom and dad and sis came to his "rescue". This is a gray area.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (26 July 2012):
Tell your mother and dad.
Other than that, if your brother doesn't have the street smarts to make it through this simple no brainer then too bad for him. It's not as if you can be there to protect him from everyone who might take advantage of him. He needs to learn on his own. This'll be a tough one, but why not. So he gets a kiddo without even having had sex, it's like the male version of the holy mother.
Yes, she can come after him for child support. But he can also come after her for visitation rights. And to be honest, your brother sounds like he'll make a better dad than the biological dad would ever be. So with the kids interest in mind: let your brother go through with it.
Besides, if you REALLY want your brother to change his mind about this you should support him. If you go against him he might do it anyway just to piss you off, even though he probably had doubts himself! I know a girl who married a man she didn't really want to marry, just because her entire family hated his guts and told her to leave him. Marrying him was her way of flipping her family the finger. She wouldn't want to admit that they were right! If only her family hadn't been so opposed to this boyfriend of hers she probably would have left him years and years ago, and never have married him.
So what I am saying is that you need to use reverse psychology! If you're against this, the worst you can do is say so. Instead, support him. Tell him how great it'll be once he moves out, gets to have the kid visit, be a dad, take the kid to games, watch it grow, bring it with him on ever vacation he ever wants to go to. That it'll be nice to see him mature, not going to parties with friends, but staying at home with the baby... Tell him you were shocked to hear it at first, but now that you've thought about it you think he'll make a fine dad. Seeing as he is willing to sacrifice so much for a child that isn't even biologically his. It takes a big heart to embrace that, and to not make this child feel any less like his own once he gets biological children.
Support him, and he'll freak out by the idea soon enough.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (26 July 2012):
Have you asked your brother to sit down with you and explained that you’re seriously concerned about him, and outlined the points you’ve made to him? If you have and he won’t listen, you’re not responsible for his choices, even if you don’t like them. It’s certainly a risky move putting his name on the birth certificate because of the legal implications which you refer to, not to mention that it’s a morally dubious thing to do: doesn’t the child have a right to know the truth about its paternity even if the father doesn’t intend to be a part of its life? The fact that your brother wants to play the daddy when he’s been dating the girl for just 3 weeks makes this all-the-more ridiculous and you shouldn’t hold back from telling him this. If he wants to support the girl and play a part in her child’s life, all well and good. But he can do this without taking on the father role. Even forgetting for a moment the rights and wrongs of doing that, their relationship is nowhere near sufficiently stable at this time for that to be a good thing.
The question is, what’s it going to take for him to realise how silly this is? Would he think twice if some-one explained to him that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing: he doesn’t have to be the father or nothing at all. You can only hope that if you pick the right time and tell him all the implications of his intentions, he’ll see sense. But if he doesn’t, don’t beat yourself up about it, you did all you could.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis girlfriend is all for it. I'm actually sure it was her idea. Though I don't have custody of him, he lives with me and doesn't see much of our parents, so they're really no help at all.
I spoke with her mother and she seems to think that my brother is old enough to make the decision on his own.
I feel like no one else sees it like I do even though I've tried to explain it.
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female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 July 2012):
 You alone can't handle this. Can you get your family involved? Can your family talk to her family? Can her family talk some sense into him? Can his girlfriend talk some sense into him?
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