A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts, I am in a bit of a mix here and I know I have complicated everything so much and would appreciate your candid advice. The issue is between my ex boyfriend who I refuse to let go and who loves me, refuses to let me go and an old acquaintance of mine who I've fallen for and claims to love me.My ex boyfriend and I have been on and off for the past 3 years. I'm currently off but almost switching on. I am always doing the break up whenever I meet a new guy I am interested in or just go all crazy when I get tired of him. I met him 5 years ago and he was everything I wanted in a man until he came to my house for the first time. I saw right through him and he was never what he boasted to be. He didn't lie about being rich but he lied about being independent and having his s**t together.Since the day I saw through him, I stopped loving him but still dated him anyway for my selfish desires. On our first date, he didn't want to pay for anything and had me pay but my scolding made him refund me later. I was always bailing him out financially. I felt used and insecure anytime we went out that I always had to bail him out every time. This and some other immaturaties killed whatever I had for him. I have disrespected him and called him names in the past and he has taken all in good strides but he is not without blemish. Within this three years, I didn't see him for more than 20 times. The only time we slept on the same bed was when he came to father's, mother's and my house. I am not allowed to visit him the way I would like or stay over because his father is very controlling and according to him he wants to keep his good boy image. Most time when I was fortunate to visit, he would hide me in the backyard. He is in his early 20s and was unemployed at the moment so money was a big issue between us. His father's attitude was the deal breaker for me. I am in my early 20s and I couldn't deal with this attitude. This is a time when guys are starting their lives and finding their own person but my ex bf was only concerned about his father's thought towards him.Anytime we were to have sex, it was always my house and it annoyed me. He would always lie to his parents about his whereabouts. There was no moment that passed without at least 3 calls from his dad asking him to return home. No matter how I mocked him about coming to mine to have sex, he would still come. His desires clouded his thinking. I was living with my mum at the moment and because he didn't want to see my mum due to shame, I always sneaked him into my room. It was so embarrassing but he saw nothing wrong in it. My sister goes to her bf's, mine sneaks into my home. I wanted a man but he refused to become one. I wanted to have sex in his house but he always had the excuse of his dad and always introduced me as his friend to his dad. We never went out. I always forced him, abused him and initiated all the outings. I don't even think he knew we needed to go out. The outings weren't special. It was riddled with one cheap meal after the other and I was tired of it. It was a daily 16 hour whatsapp chat. I got tired and anytime I complained, I was being insensitive. I know he didn't have money then but he didn't even make an effort unless I scolded him then he would jolt like an engine. I decided to look outside and did it twice. I didn't sleep with any of the guys but had a strong urge to. They were different from him and I was needy. It turned out I was unfortunate that they were hit and run guys so I was back again with my bf. I told him everything I did hoping he would see my needs but he only tagged me a cheat.I broke up with him more than 20 times but it never lasted for long. We have this natural affection towards each other. He knows everything about me to the extent that he knows when I am lying without seeing my face. We tell ourselves everything, there are no secrets. He started sending me some little money sometimes and we went out a few times. We slept in a hotel twice but he lied to his dad he was going to church (that is how controlling his dad is) the same way he lies when he visits my house. The outings and everything he did never made me feel good because my actions led to them and knowing how caged he was, I felt I was turning him to what he was not. I got tired and needy and tried to get out but I always missed him when I did. I was unhappy and resorted to my fate of being with him only but then decided I was done. According to my bf, as long as we still talked daily, we didn't break up. Someday I felt single and some days I didn't. It was whenever it suited me I said I was still dating him. Then came a guy called Mr E that I'd known for over 4 years. He is 30. There was no attraction at first but when we got acquainted to eachother, the attraction was powerful but I tried to fight it off because this was the exact way I felt when I met the other two bang and run guys. After a month of keeping contact and just one date, I ended up in his house. Mr E showed me how things are done. He treated me like a lady or I felt like one. I never wanted for anything or had to be his knight I shinning armour on dates. He is a man and who says I have to compromise. For the first time in my life, I felt the strongest urge ever to have sex with him and I knew I wouldn't regret it but I held myself because I wanted to know more about him. We kissed, cuddled and bathed together. I also told my boyfriend about him because I never expected I was going to like Mr. E. Months after my first meeting with E, I don't want my boyfriend anymore but I decided to use my head and not heart. How would I throw all what we built for 5 years just because I have butterfly feelings that would soon fade(when reality hits). I want to eat my cake and have it. I went to Mr E a second time and I gave him fellatio. Conflicted, I visited My ex boyfriend who was working in another state. He found my diary and read everything I did with Mr E and for the first time ever called me a bitch, whore, prostitute more than 20 times. I left angrily very early the next day but I deserved it. He apologised and I knew he was hurt. All he ever wanted was my honesty. He asked me how many times I wanted to forge a break up just to cheat on him. It was his past actions that made me fallout with him and nothing has changed but neither one of us wants out. We're addicted. I like Mr E but I feel I am delusional and only feel what I feel for him because he gives me the security my boyfriend has never given me and I have subconsciously wanted out for a long time. The main issue is my boyfriend is more caring than Mr E and listen to me and does anything I ask but I've lost the feeling. On the other hand, Mr E is mysterious and makes me feel like a woman but he is always too busy. My boyfriend is never too busy at work for me but cannot get over the fact I like Mr E. He is hurt and we both want to work out but he feels if I don't have butterfly feelings for him, there's no point. None of us are willing to let go. I know I am trying to play safe with my boyfriend in case I fall out with Mr. E and I hate everything I've put him through. I wish I could love him but I have no control over my heart and I cannot stand his dad. My boyfriend is mostly the side dish right now. My happiness with Mr. E determines my niceness to him. I don't want to make a good guy bad. Should I stick to my boyfriend or go with my childish feelings for Mr E?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2017): There are more man on this planet than your current boyfriend and the guy you're cheating on him with. So break up with the boyfriend stop seeing the cheater dude and get your shit together because life is too short to mess around with the guy that's not right for you. And it's obvious to everyone here that neither of them are right for you.
A
female
reader, mad stacey  +, writes (3 April 2017):
For goodness sake stop wasting your time with your off on bf he is just stringing you along why can he not tell his family your together after all this time !!! But I also feel you need counselling as you sound like you have issues to put up with this crap dumping your bloke to go date other men .... Mr E wont want to kno you if he knows you are someone who strings men along....no wonder he's not forthcoming with arranging dates with you ... Dump both get counselling and enjoy being single . Take care ,
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (3 April 2017):
Well, your current boyfriend doesn't sound like much of catch from the description you post so I reckon you should dump him.
But you don''t have to have your next relationship all lined up before you do.
TBH, Mr E doesn't sound like the right guy for you either - your just bowled over because he's so mysterious and completely unlike your boyfriend.
I'm with AuntyBimBim again - take the third option and be single for a little while. Take a couple of months and concentrate on pleasing yourself for a bit. It won't kill you
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 April 2017):
 There is a third choice, chose neither and spend some time contemplating what you want from life ... set some life goals that don't rely on any body else, determine if you want to travel or get your own home, if you need to study more or take a second job to achieve that. Consider if you have any talents or hobbies you would like to develop and look at what sort of support there is for that in your neighbourhood.
Consider that you don't have to have a man, any man, to be happy and fulfilled. Always be kind and thoughtful and the best YOU possible.
We attract what we give out, and it appears neither of these two are all that wonderful.
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