A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:'ve known my best friend since I was 13 (he was 14) and he has always been in love with me. I wasn't attracted to him initially and I would tell him that I wanted to just stay friends. As I grew older, I became curious about why I wasn't attracted to him because he is such a wonderful guy. I figured that because he loved me so unconditionally, something must be wrong with him because no one else in my life felt that way about me. Three years ago, we kissed (although I was in a relationship) and I was going to end my relationship so I could explore my feelings for him. But after seeing an explicit message in his phone from another girl (he says that she was only joking around), I told him to move on with his life and leave me alone. The funny thing is that every time I get into a relationship, I always think about him. When the guys act up, I always think that he would never do that to me. I trusted his love for me, but seeing the message was a big turn off. I continued me relationship with the other guy, but due to incompatibility, we broke up. Last year I visited my brother and my best friend came to visit me there. We hung out that evening, and ended up kissing. The next day, we made love. All the feelings I never knew I had for him came crashing into me all at once. Sadly, he has a long-distance girlfriend. Even while I was in my relationship, he and I would talk about how things were going and he expressed that the relationship with her was not heading towards anything permanent. I always tried to encourage him to work at it, and he'd encourage me to work at mine. In the back of mind, I've always felt that he and I would get married someday, but because I wasn't feeling the attraction, the thought made me cringe.Now though, it's been 6 months since we've been together, although we are no longer having sex. Last week, he and I got into an argument because she was visiting him at his house, and after we hung up, she asked him about the conversation. He confessed that he and I had been having relations. He has told me that she has always been insecure about me, because once when she asked him how come he never says that he loves her, he said that he has only ever loved one girl and that is me (he said this way before he even knew I was interested in him).We've spoken since the revelation, and he does not know where he stands with her but they are still together. He has always said that he will leave the relationship but that he is waiting for the right time, for example an argument or disagreement. I've told him that he needs to decide but he claims he does not know what he wants. I know he loved me back then, but his reluctance to just walk away from this is making me doubt his feelings. He says he knows he does not want to marry her and he wants to marry me, but he does not want to just end it with her and look like a bad guy. I know he just wants to save face with her.I've asked him what he will do now that the right time has presented itself, and he says he does not know. I've asked him if he is now mine and he says not yet, not completely.Do I stay with him? Do I walk away? I know you can't know if he will leave her...but based on what I have said, do you think he will? Do you think this love is worth waiting for? He's been waiting to be with me for 16 years, and now that I'm available, he's being uncertain. I love him deeply as my friend, but I am not in love with him as yet. I know, however, that if we should begin a committed relationship, it would be easy to fall in love because we are very compatible (have always been) and we complement each other.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, quarky  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 How long are you prepared to wait?
Do you know that you'll be together after 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years?
If he really wanted to be with you, maybe he would be more sure of wanting to be with you.
Maybe it's time to draw a line, stop hoping for something that may never happen?
There are plenty more guys out there-why waste time waiting for one?
It may be he's worth it, maybe not-try to look at it objectively and decide from there.
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