A
female
age
30-35,
*rissyDig
writes:I'm a 21 year old fresh out of college female living with her mother. My moms fiancee lives with us. There's big issues going on in the house and frankly, I could care less for the guy (I don't really know him, we don't talk, we never have. I've always been away at college till recently) To give you all the gist. When I came back home it was sprung on me he was moving in. Again, didn't care for it. But I accepted it because I respect my mom and if he made her happy then good. Things were fine, I barely acknowledged the guy except for a polite Hi and bye and I'm ok with this. I mean I still say 'Mr.' In front of his name because my mom wants me to... Anyway One night I received a text from my mother saying he would be sleeping in the back room (next to mine) because he snored too loud. (The back room is my older brothers old room which has no bed but is messy and has a lounge couch in it, other than that its where they put their dirty clothes and other junk such as old books and dressers etc.) I responded by saying "Ok" thinking it would be a one time thing. I found it weird he had been living with us for a while already ( since October 2010) and early March 2011 is when she texted me that. I was in for a very rude awakening... His snoring kept me up. But I kept my mouth shut, again, believing it'd be a one time thing. They argue, a lot. I would say about once a week most of the time it's about something trivial and childish. But it's not my business. But when they argue I suffer. How you ask? He ends up sleeping in the room beside me for some reason. Ever since the night she sent him to the back room to sleep. I've looked at it this way. She sent him back so she didn't have to deal with his snoring with little disregard as to how his snoring would then affect me. The walls in this house are thin, so you can hear EVERYTHING regardless if a door is shut. Our internet router used to be in that back room but I moved it to my room for the fact I could never fix it if it messed up because I would find out he was sleeping back there without being told. To sum this up. Ever since that night my moms Fiance has slept on and off in the room next to me, (my bed is right against the wall and my room is not big enough for me to move it around) it's made me grow a high level of disdain for this man because I don't usually end up falling asleep until 3-5am forcing myself to stay up until I know they're off to work. I can hear him from time to time through my headset, and sometimes the walls do vibrate. I'm not over exaggerating. Before you ask, no I have not told my mom about this because there was a previous situation with him in which I mentioned he was talking loud on the phone in the morning (6-7am) while I was trying to sleep and she told me I was in the wrong for even saying something about it, because apparently I keep people up at night. I found it funny because every night I could hear that man snoring. It's gotten to a point to when I hear him snore I get mad. Moving out is not an option for now, but I am planning to when I get my money in order, I'm a college kid in debt, that will be a while though. Thing is, I don't know how much more of this I can take before I snap, I have my fathers quick temper unfortunately and I repress a lot. That's not my man, I shouldn't have to listen to his snoring every single minute of the night. And the more I do, the more I hate him. As strong of a word that is, is a true of a word it is. Staying up until 4-5am is what I do now. I don't even care that it affects my day. It's the only way I can get some sleep. I was thinking of turning to sleeping pills also. My question is, am I in the wrong for feeling the way I do about this situation?
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 May 2012):
Hi. The arguments they have are probably all stemming back to the fact they sleep separately.
This threatens their intimacy, not just sexually but also not being able to just lie in bed together and chat - like most couples do.
It's safe to say, that in a way they are a bit lonely, even though they are in the same house!
So this puts even more pressure on the relationship and hence, the arguments.
It seems that all of you are suffering the consequences of his loud snoring.
You all need to find a way to sort this mess out, so that everybody's happy.
It does seem that if it wasn't for the loud snoring, that everything would run pretty smoothly - don't you think?
If he is open to it, perhaps you, your mother and him could sit down and talk about it together and find some positive solution to the problem.
An Ear Nose and Throat specialist could help, and see if there is a medical problem.
There are also pillows that put the head at a certain angle so as to reduce snoring. They could be helpful, but no guarantees really.
There are appliances that go into the mouth to slightly hold the lower jaw forward to make more space between the back of the tongue and the soft pallet and therefore virtually eliminate the typical snoring sound altogether.
They are usually organised at a dental surgeon's office.
If not at his regular dentist, find one on the internet where he could get one of these appliances made.
Look up - "Anti Snoring Device for mouth."
I was a loud snorer for many years and drove my husband almost to insanity. Even when he closed the bedroom door and was watching television across the hall, he could still hear me!
He used to get so angry, and I really don't blame him at all.
I first had CO2 lazer surgery, which removed as much of the soft pallet as possible, and that helped me for about 7 years.
After which time, I heard about the anti-snoring device which goes in the mouth.
I wear this device every night while I sleep, and I haven't snored since.
It is a true blessing!
I had my anti-snoring device made for me about 5 years ago.
At the time, it cost me $723 (Australian dollars), and I consider it to be money well spent.
I no longer get any complaints from my husband, because we both get a good night's sleep every single night.
The other reasons for the arguments between your mother and her fiance, are because she is tired most of the time. She might still be able to hear his snoring, even though he's a couple of rooms away from her.
And you feel tired too, because his room is behind yours!
So you get the noise all night long - worse than your mother does.
Please tell him about the anti-snoring device, and suggest he go see his dentist about it.
Once he does, there will be peace in your house once again.
When I organised this for myself, I think it was a couple of weeks from the first impressions taken, to the final fitting and taking the appliance home.
It's well worth that short wait, believe me.
A
female
reader, KrissyDig +, writes (10 May 2012):
KrissyDig is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read every single posters opinion here and I must say I feel much better just reading them alone. To answer one big question, I didn't mind this guy at all, before the snoring was keeping me up. If I were to be in my moms situation. I would myself talk to him about the snoring and going to the doctor. (Her previous husband, my biological father, snored.) Which I don't understand why my mother doesn't already. But I have read the consensus and will be sitting down to talk with her, as I don't want to continue feeling the way I do, in what is rightfully my home as well. @So_Very_Confused, I'm not sure why my mother wants me to refer to this man formally. I always have when I was in high school and he wasn't living with us. Part of it makes me still feel like a child, but again I do it because I want to respect my mothers wishes. For the anon male. I do partially agree, even though this man is in the room beside me, I find it too intimate to be normal. It was said to me before he was moving in, the reason why he was moving is was because "he didn't really have a home." I may be just 21 but I do also agree that what they have is not a stable relationship to be regularly sleeping separately(well I know some married couples do this to get normal sleep but that room isn't a bedroom, it's a bedroom turned storage room, now makeshift bedroom), but I know, it's none of my business, but whatever they're going through has gotten to the point where it has affected me as you can see. I have found some ear plugs I will be using, but I will also be discussing this with my mother. So thank you everyone that posted here so very much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): Approach it like you are concerned about the guy, even if you aren't. No one will listen to your concerns about snoring if you make it about you, but if you make it about him, your mom will probably listen.Here's the thing, snoring like you describe can be a sign of a serious, life-shortening and life threatening medical condition. The good thing is, most conditions that cause loud snoring, are easily treatable with non surgical interventions. He needs to see a doctor for a check-up and the snoring needs to be discussed. He may need to see an ear/nose/throat doctor or a sleep specialist for further assessment ( it depends on whether the snoring is from a physical problem like swollen tonsils, or whether it is more likely something like sleep apnea.)If you seem concerned, and your mom does like this guy, you should be able to encourage him to see a doctor about his snoring.Finally, before you go to bed tonight, visit your local supermarket or drug store. You should be able to buy earplugs (sometimes you can get dozens of disposable ones for cheap) and put them in before you sleep. It won't completely fix the problem, but it should reduce the snoring noise you hear drastically.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): The snoring man thing is a major issue in many relationships, and the older they get the worse it gets. (I do obviously realise that there are snoring women out there too)I haven't slept in the same room as my husband for 4 years because it became too much of an issue. Foam earplugs offer some help. Sleeping pills should be right out of the question.He sleeps separately from your mum because she cannot stand it. So it's perfectly understandable that you also cannot stand it.You must get the rest you need or it can be bad for your health. Speak up. There is no proper cure for snoring (in the main, unless caused by genuine health issues like sleep apnea etc)In Uk, 4 bedroom houses have surged in popularity in recent years even for families that do not need 4 bedrooms. In fact they do, because loads of couples sleep in different rooms to maintain the status quo.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I am with So_Very _Confused - Earplugs. At least so you can get some sleep.
But I don't think you are wrong for the feelings you are having.
Though it IS your MOM's house.
I see that moving out isn't an option, so I think you best bet is to get through to your mom. Why does she think it's OK for HER man to keep YOU up all night, if she can't even sleep in the same room with him?
And I DO think it would be worth bringing up that there are things that can help with snoring.
http://www.breatheright.com/benefits/snoring.aspx?google=b_&rotation=3079&banner=22263&kw=302386
Talk to them and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 May 2012):
Hi there. No, I don't believe you are in the wrong for saying something.
You have a right to a good night's sleep, just as much as everyone else in the house does.
When your mother's fiance is not there, you are going to have to sit down with your mum and just tell her how it makes you feel.
How difficult it is to sleep each night, and that you wait up till the wee hours of the morning till they both go to work, just so you can definitely get SOME sleep.
She needs to know that, she really does.
She may not realize just how much it does affect you and the magnitude of this situation.
There's no point in bottling your feelings up - just to keep the peace with your mother - because doing that might one day make you explode and go in there and become violent with him because of your frustration!
It's so preventable. The situation needs to be defused completely.
It does seem like now it's time to just be completely upfront and honest with your mother about exactly how you feel.
And say EVERYTHING that bothers you about the situation as it is now.
Also, mention the loud arguing.
And the main problem is just his snoring, isn't it?
Other than the snoring, there are no other real problems with him.
So in other words, if he didn't snore at all, you'd be fairly happy to have him living there. Does that sound about right?
As it is not possible - because of your student loans - to move elsewhere, well then you really do need to sort the situation out with your mother, once and for all - before it gets out of hand altogether and you do something you later very much regret.
There is nothing quite like having a heart to heart talk about any problems that exist.
Even if your mother isn't too keen on the idea, you really MUST express your opinion to her as soon as possible, to clear the air once and for all.
She may not realize just how much it does affect you, so all the more reason to fill her in on ALL the details - rather than keeping quiet.
Perhaps a lot of the arguments your mother and her fiance are having, are about the snoring problem and possibly his snoring keeps her awake also, so then she doesn't feel properly rested in the mornings, and is a bit grouchy because she's always partly tired.
It's quite possible.
And she can probably guess how it's affecting you by your not being happy yourself, and she can see the look on your face every time you see her fiance there, knowing what you are thinking - the snoring!
The sooner this mess is sorted out, the better off you will all be.
Please don't delay this discussion with your mother one single day longer.
Something needs to be done NOW, if she is to continue being in a relationship with him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
 One word: EARPLUGS... and a white noise machine.
Snoring that loudly however may indicate sleep apnea and he should be checked for that as it can be deadly and as much as I am sure you would love him to disappear I doubt you wish him dead... so maybe discuss with mom that LOUD snoring may indicate a health issue
I googled "loud snoring" and came up with this link:
http://www.soundsleeping.org/snoring/loud.htm
perhaps it can help open a discussion between you and the OTHER adults in the home.
I wonder if you liked this man, if you had a relationship with him, if it would be this bad for you?
I wonder also why your mother wants you to call the man she is going to marry by Mr. that seems a bit formal for family.... so is there more going on that is being said here?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): "am I in the wrong for feeling the way I do about this situation?"Absolutely NOT, and not just because of your mother's shack-up's snoring.Extremely selfish and unfair for your mother to have an unrelated male under the same roof as her daughter no matter your age. You shouldn't have to share intimate quarters with a guy to whom you are a legal stranger (not related by blood, marriage or adoption), and he shouldn't have unfettered access to your bedroom. If their relationship is so unstable they're regularly sleeping apart and in the process "fiance" (yeah, sure) is disturbing your sleep, then they need to be sleeping apart under separate roofs so she needs to give him the boot pronto.Major pet peeves of mine are mothers who choose boyfriends over their own children, incredibly selfish, clueless and small-minded. Shame on your mother for putting you in this situation and then finding a way to put it all on you, not him (natch).
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