A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 22 year old, i use to have alot of confidence, was very bubbly, happy and had a close group of friends. Now i have a child and a boyfriend, and i am very happy with family life, but i just don't do nothing for myself anymore, i know being a mum means you have to always put yourself last, but i cant remember the last time i ever had a break or went out with friends. I have turned very shy and constantly worry what other people think of me, i constantly think people are looking at me because they think I'm ugly and maybe my clothes look scruffy. I'm not scruffy but i wouldn't say i wear the stuff i would like to wear as i always put my child first and like him to have nice clothes on him rather than me, and i also just cant afford to treat myself even though i work. I just feel stuck in a rut, i have no friends at all, they all drifted away. My boyfriend is not nasty to me but he don't like me going out with friends and if i do he falls out with me so in the end i stopped going out with friends to keep the peace. He also starts fights if i go to see my parents regularly, he says "i should be able to stand on my own two feet" i would like to get a hobby like go to the gym but i know my partner wouldn't like me to go and i just don't have the confidence to go. I have a hard time taking my son to school as i feel like the parents are looking at me and judging me and i don't know why i always feel this way. What can i do to get more confident? I just always feel so shy and find it difficult talking to people. I never use to be like this. What is wrong with me?
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female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (12 July 2014):
 It's not motherhood sapping your confidence, it's your relationship. Feeling isolated without friends or family makes you lose happiness. He shouldn't tell you who you can or can't talk to, that isn't healthy. It's equally unhealthy to try and keep the peace. Keeping the peace is just burying your wants and needs basically. It isn't solving the actual problems at the core. They don't go away. They get bottled up and you get depressed. Which is where you're at now. If your boyfriend gets upset by you having a life outside of him then you are going to continue to deny yourself happiness.
Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him what you need and how you are feeling. A relationship where you feel cut off and shut off from the world is a bad one... So when you start to do the things you want to do, you will get your confidence back from getting out more. Do some of the ideas from the other aunts, they are good suggestions. And work on yourself. Wear makeup and fix your hair nicely. Work out at home or walk around the block with your baby if trying to save money.
I think fixing this issue in your relationship will turn things around for you immediately. People underestimate how much someone can change you and bring you down. Especially when you feel trapped and controlled. I hope your boyfriend isn't as bad as he comes across in this post... and that he won't mind you needing to open your social pool and life more when you explain it makes you happy. You can't ignore your needs. And don't stay unhappy for someone else's sake because he is being selfish.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 July 2014):
 First off, I think you may need to start job hunting for a working environment that you enjoy more and that brings you a little more satisfaction.
Secondly, you need to start setting aside some of that spare change for you. The baby won't remember what the heck he wore when he was two. You, on the other hand, could use some sprucing up. To be the best Mom you can be, you need to feel good about yourself - that will make much more of an impact on your child then what brand clothes he's got on.
Your partner sounds controlling and manipulative. Wouldn't like you to go to the gym, so you don't? Listen sister, if you want to go to the gym - go. If you would rather save the money, you can always start working out at home. Doesn't like you socializing, so you quit? That's not cool! You are "keeping the peace" at your own expense, and sacrificing your happiness is NOT for the greater good. Your son needs to see his Mom enjoying her life, being ambitious, having her own goals, being an independent woman. Being in a relationship and being independent are NOT mutually exclusive.
When you are in a healthy relationship, your world should get bigger - not smaller.
I think checking out some Mom's groups could be a good way for you and your son to get out a bit. I also think that taking a good, hard look at your relationship is something you need to do.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2014):
 What is wrong with you? It sounds like you know that there is something off-balance and wrong about the relationship with your boyfriend. You are isolated from friends and family and seem to think that your needs don't matter.
How old is your child? Can you find a group of mums to meet up with and socialize with?
I would talk to your doctor about this and I would start taking small baby steps towards ending the social isolation you seem to be in.
Where do you work?
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