A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m getting married next year and a few months ago I went bride dress shopping with my mum. Now initially I wanted to bring with me (in addition to my mum) my best friend (who is my MOH), my aunt (my mums sister who was never able to have children) and we have a really close bond, my cousin (a bridesmaid) and another friend of mine (another bridesmaid).However my mum got in a funny mood saying how it should just be me and her as I am her only daughter (I have an older brother) etc…. Now I’m not really close with my mum - never have been but she guilt tripped me in to it. I need you to note that she is a bit of a control freak and very opinionated. Also please note that it’s my grandmother (my dads mum) who is paying for my wedding dress (she lives 4 hours away) and as I’m her only granddaughter (she has 7 grandsons) she always told me she wanted to pay for my dress. The whole experience was a let down - my mum found 2 bride shops which she felt was the best one to go too- she kept bursting in to tears every time I tried a dress on (it was all an act to get the shop staff to fuss over her), she was so opinionated on what dress I should be having and kept picking out dresses that were not to my taste. The staff seemed to have sided with my mum saying I should make my mum happy!! In the end I didn’t find anything and my mum was really upset with me! About 2 weeks later my MOH knew someone opening up a bridal boutique so she took me along and I ended up finding my perfect dress. Now this was completely unplanned- I had no idea I’d find my dress and I didn’t even tell my mum as I figured I’d just be browsing but when we arrived I ended up trying on a few dresses.When I told my mum she got really upset as she wanted to be the first one to see me in the dress. She’s now barely taking to me. She came with me to my first fitting and decided she didn’t like the dress and has been off with me ever since. Obviously I feel guilty but I think she is exaggerating a little! How do I deal with this?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 November 2023):
 As you were not that close to your mother to start with, I would just carry on planning your wedding as you intended and let your mother come round - or not - in her own time. Worst case? She'll boycott the wedding. Will that really matter to you? She can only bother you if you allow it. Concentrate on what is important and leave this grown-ass woman to get over herself. And stop letting her guilt-trip you.
Hope you have a wonderful day.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2023): I was in this situation myself only a few months ago. However me and my only daughter are extremely close. For a very long time I was to be the one to walk her down the isle, but as it turns out she gets on very well with her husband’s grandfather, so he walked her down the aisle. My daughters now mother in law see her in a wedding dress first , ( not the one she ended up wearing) not going to lie I felt quite hurt. BUT it was my daughters wedding not mine, I was thrilled to have the honour of making their wedding cake, I also took my daughter to the church, so all In all a fantastic wedding. I don’t understand mothers taking over their daughters wedding like it’s theirs. But I do understand how it can hurt if things don’t go quite as you dreamed of as a mother. But you just have to remember she loves you, she might not show it how you’d like her too, but you get one mother in life, don’t let this come between you. Maybe speak to her regarding things, if she’s not one for listening maybe write her a letter. Maybe she never had the wedding she dreamed of, so wanted to make your wedding a priority, but unless you really talk about things you’ll never understand why. Slagging her off for wanting the best for you will only cause more rooted resentment, and other people including myself don’t know the full backstory. So our opinions are irrelevant really. I hope you find peace with your mother, and grow stronger together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2023): Omygod ! That sounded like an episode of Say yes to the dress " gone wrong !:).I feel your pain...maybe you thought this bridal gown hunting experience with your mom could be the occasion to strengthen a bond that not always has been all it could be ..but alas no such luck. So be it. You tried, you even changed your plans in order to make mum happy, it did not work. It's not your fault , and also, is no big deal after all. As you say, your relationship has never been so very close, so it's not that with a single faux-pas you have spoiled everything. Maybe your personalities are just not made to mix with each other. Now don't worry too much about it, and let this wedding dress fiasco slide over you. You know your mom, and you know that, apparently, she likes to have things her way, and she likes the attention. So, nothing new under this respect. Stay calm and collected, ignore your mom's moods, don't get succeed into her tantrums. Don't provoke her, don't argue , but if she wants to pout, let her, that's on her. She will get over this soon - or maybe she won't, in any case you cannot let your mom's antics spoil you the joy, the excitement and the fun of these months leading to your wedding day.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 November 2023):
 Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I'm very glad you found a dress you like, and that your mother wasn't there to ruin the day.The fact that she's barely speaking to you might actually be a blessing, so try to enjoy it while it lasts.Do you think your mother's behaviour will miraculously improve once your married and if/when you have children? I can see her muscling in between you and your husband (I'm assuming your fiancé is a 'he' but the same applies even if it's a 'she'), then between you and your kids.What is the worst that is likely to happen if you stand your ground and don't give in to her from this moment on? She's not paying for the dress, and I'm guessing not the wedding either. Don't make any declarations about how things are going to change. It will just provoke a debate and talk is cheap. Let her see that things have changed by how YOU behave. I know what it's like to have a self centred mother. Mine occasionally plays the teary eyed victim, but most of the time she is hostile and menacing when any of us disagree with her, or she doesn't get her way, and growing up she used to be very violent. Invest in your relationships with your fiancé, your friends and other family, and demote her to the bottom of the list. When she becomes too much, suspend (or cut completely if you think best) contact entirely. Your mother is a disgrace. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
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