A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been married to my long term fiance for just a month. He treats me amazingly sweet. Especially in front of his family. Its been almost a decade and at first i can feel that they find it strange with how he treated me. I mean his mom and sister. But they used to it.Now we are married, his mom sarcasti ally told that its been a duty for a woman to service and treat their husband and not the other way round. I feel that she said that to let me know that she doesnt like it. My husband doesnt realise her intention. She has bad relationship with her husband. And i think shes jealous or maybe feel threatened to lose both his husband and son to me. Because they both sided to me. His dad loves me even since we are dating decade ago. And perhaps she just jealous that she cant have that kind of connection?Shes always talks sarcastically and tend to jealous to people above her. And she is such a drama queen. She can run from home anytime she got into argument with herhusband. I hate her. What should i do? We live together and i cant move out until next 2 years. Sister in law seems to influence her because she changed since she comes this several day for a visit. Although father in law still treat me nice. I think he knows about our cold war. He told me a story about his friend unintentionally when i help him to move his files. He shows me photo of his friends who got into trouble between mother in law and daughter in law. And he said we should do good to have good outcome. Karma exist. He said as a younger one must relented to the older. And the mother in law maybe did something wrong to her if she became so evil. I think he send a message to me? Or is it just a talk? What do you think?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 September 2017):
 Well done on the marriage but you need to remember you have married in to that family. It would drive me crazy to live under the same roof as my inlaws. You need to help around the house, I can see why your mother in law can interfere. It is great your husband treats you well but you are living in there house, so you should be helping out more with chores and bills. Also you should try harder with the sister, you might not see her often but she is now your sister in law. I think you should be more grateful they have you staying under there roof.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2017): First thing is first, congratulations on getting married!
1.) Your in a relationship, and the first discipline of a relationship is "putting your lover first". The first skill is also "heart felt understanding". I used to not do this with my partner and it caused ALL SORTS OF TENSION. Our case sounds very similar to yours: The issue was the relationship I had with my partners mother. This can be agonizing as you know and really put a hold on the level of passion your relationship has. When my partner and I implemented the skills I talk about above it almost instantly changed everything. We were able to openly communicate without fear of a negative outcome such as getting in a fight or arguing and creating even more tension while trying to fix it. She ended up really understanding why I had the issue I had with her mother and because she put me first (#1 discipline mentioned above) she talked to her mother for me and we came to a mutual understanding of how to move forward in a manner that created connection and growth for everybody in the family
2.) We all as humans have a need for CERTAINTY (along with 5 other needs) - that is we need to have a certain level of trust that we can gain pleasure and avoid pain. Right now your need for certainty is not being met because you know that this issue with your mother in law, if not fixed, could eventually cost you your marriage, which would equal A TON of pain.
If you would like help to get through this issue contact me at [email address blocked]
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984  +, writes (25 September 2017):
You're married but live with your husbands parents? Move out, get your own place and stop depending on his parents to put a roof over your head.
Then you won't have to deal with the remarks from his mum and sister.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2017):
 Uh-oh. There can't be two roosters in a chicken coop, and there can't be two ladies of the house in the same household. So I think what you are going through would be expectable and predictable, under some form or shape, even if your MIL had been the sweetest woman on earth.
I think this is another example ot trying to straddle the fence, culturally.
You have accepted, as per your tradition, to go live with your in - laws. You haven't put your foot down, you haven't decided to postpone your wedding until you were ready to stand on your own feet. But , what you do not accept is the cultural, social implications that come with following this tradition.
There's a hyerarchy in a multiple family establishment; and , traditionally, all in favour of the older woman. Like it or not, yes, she has more clout and authority than you.
That does not mean, of course, that you have to be servile or abjectly humble , or accept abuse. But I think it means taking as a given that you owe respect to your elders , and to deal with them with tact, diplomacy, patience and understanding.
That would not be for me, honestly; in your place, I'd probably try to strangle the MIL with my bare hands, lol. Then again, I 'd never ever have accepted to go live with my in laws.
If you accept to play by the rules - then you play by the riles, within the limits of sanity, of course; you do not reinvent them.
Again, that does not mean that you have to take abuse by anybody. But I think you are not at liberty to show so openly your contempt and irritation , to be hornery and confrontational. I guess , until you live there, you have to learn and be able to be deaf some times to things you hear that you do not agree with , and let them slide over you. You do not have to become meek if meek is not your style, but you can chose to agree to disagree.
You MIL is who she is, by now, and in any case she would have the right to express her opinions, in HER own home, no matter how old fashioned and silly they sound to you. This does not mean you have to obey her blindly, - you can just do your thing, calmly and elegantly, and CHOOSE to not let every little thing get under your skin. Try to keep being polite no matter what she says and does, - and also try to not be so critical toward her and SIL. Yes , I believe that they are not perfect, that they may be difficult to deal with, at times. Guess what ? You did not HAVE to deal with them, at least at this level. You did not have to accept cohabitatation, or anyway such a "too close for comfort" closeness. You say that you " had " to ? ... because of expectations, society, people wagging their tongues ?...
That's what I mean by straddling the fence, culturally. You want to have your cake and eat it too. Make everybody happy, avoid gossips and confrontations, ( and save a lot of money ), by
going to live in a traditional multifamily household. But then, you do not want to follow the, implicit and explicit ,rules about roles, positions and duties within such an establishment.
Anyway... supposedly it's just for two years or so. Hang in there. Who knows, maybe one day you will have your own house , ... and your own live-in daughter in law to torment and annoy ! :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2017): I admit that i did the wrong things before being too sensitive and not helping them around enough. I know his mom wish that i can help more which i did now and things seems better now. His father is always kind to me. And its only his oldest sister that come occasionally that response cold to me. She doesnt respond much when i talk to her and ive tried to start a conversation with her but she still only answer what i ask without intention to chat with me. She isnt like this with the other. Just with me. Now im fed up and i ignore her and act like shes not around just like how she treat me. Am i wrong? We only meet once a year though. Maybe she just feel jealous that i got everythin better than her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2017): Okay, you laid-out the source of your problem in the last paragraph. You're living under your mother-in-law's roof.
Therefore; you are subject to her house-rules and opinions. Like it or not. You live at her mercy. Not to mention you are financially-dependent; and need shelter provided by your in-laws. Giving two years as your projected time-frame to find your own home. That's an awful long time. I hope you are both employed full-time.
You hate her?!! As I know women, they don't hide that very well. So she responds to it. Women see through each-other! You can't fool each-other like you fool us men. You won't walk my floors and sit at my table, and hate me.
You have the nerve to live in her house, and have a negative-attitude towards your husband's mother? Your husband should try to keep the peace like his dad. He should be diluting his mother's venom and asking her to be nicer to you. Provided you deserve it. We only get your side of this. Not hers!
Some people are naturally sarcastic. It's a defense mechanism they use out of insecurity. I take his mom is a passive-aggressive. She's wounded, and her sarcasm gives her power and authority. No one wants to cross her. I know the type. They are prickly and abrasive. Yet, they are over-protective when they love you. I think she wears the pants.
Why don't you live with your parents? One year with his, and another with yours? Do you get along with your own mother/parents? You don't mention your parents at all. Where are they?
Something tells me you're of a different culture or ethnicity from your husband and his family. That usually riles a mother-in-law. Feeling her culture will be mixed; or eradicated altogether, when kids come-along. That's racist, but you know how it goes with some people. I'm bi-racial. My dad's sisters were horrendous to my Native American mother.
Mom was tough, and smart. She took control of that situation. Dad stood by her. Only, they never lived with my grand-parents.
I wouldn't believe you if you said you don't show your true-feelings to your MIL. If you don't now; there is no way you can put on a fake-face for as long as two years. You blame your sister-in-law? I think your mother-in-law is old enough to form her own opinions. Perhaps your sister-in-law likes to instigate trouble just for the sake of drama and molding you into shape. I think neither really care for you. It just goes like that sometimes; even if it isn't justified. People will be people. I hope you're helpful around the house, show courtesy to all your in-laws, and try to fit-into family-traditions. If you always act like a by-stander or outsider; that's offensive being a long-term guest. Relax and be family.
By all accounts. She's doing her best to push you two out of the nest. She doesn't want either of you to get too cozy or complacent. I gather you aren't her first-choice in daughter-in-laws. Guess what? That's her prerogative. If you don't like her, you can find elsewhere to live and save your money.
The remedy to all of this is to be diplomatic. Don't hide your hostility; while pretending to be phony-nice to her face. It's forced, and that makes it more irritating.
Be straight-forward, calm, and honest. Let it bounce off. You have to let her know that you appreciate their hospitality and generosity in allowing you and your husband to stay. Tell her that you'd rather get along and respect her. You also want her respect. Never stop trying. You're newly-weds and she's adjusting to the fact.
People aren't really direct unless they're pissed-off. They could save themselves a lot of trouble by opening a line of communication; and coming to an understanding. That doesn't mean you can turn someone into your best-friend, or make them nice; but you can negotiate a truce and cease-fire.
In her house, you have no choice. She's the queen-bee.
It's been difficult due to the sarcasm, I know. It makes you feel unwelcome. Maybe she'd like to get it off her chest and tell you what it is she doesn't like about you? Woman to woman. If you're snarky or showing a snide-attitude; she's going to lay it on you full-force. "Mother-in-law's Wrath" can be relentless and everlasting.
So YOU have to make the peace. You're in her house. In your house, you run the show. Just joke back a little. You don't have to sit and suck it up. Toss a few jokes back at her. Laugh it off. Use humor. Be brave. Banter with her, toss her back a few. Mind your tongue, keep it light! Don't slam your MIL; you may find yourself out-cold!
Husbands who let their mothers trample their wives have no balls. They're wimps. Your husband is not going out of his way to keep the peace and serenity between you three. He acts oblivious and he allows his mother to be a bitch. He's not sweet at all. He's kissing her ass to take advantage of his parents for two years, and giving her the upper-hand. He should ask his mom to get-off your back. Better yet, get yourselves a tiny apartment somewhere; and put some comfortable distance between you.
Just like living at home with your own parents. Regardless of your age; you show respect, use diplomacy, go out of your way to be helpful with chores, and household expenses. You always thank your hosts for their generosity. Even if you have total disdain for the ground they stand on. You take them out for dinner, offer them peace-offerings, and you constantly tell his mother to her face that you prefer to get along. Out loud! Like a grown-woman. Use your words!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 September 2017):
 Have you tried talking to her one-on-one?
Maybe what she needs to know is that you are NOT the competition but someone who loves her son. You are an "ally". A fellow woman.
If that doesn't work, I would tell her when she brings up the "women should service men" that you don't believe in that outdated view.
She might be a miserable woman - doesn't make her evil. She might have had a mother in law herself who was a miserable woman too and who took out all her upset and anger on her. Now she is continuing the cycle.
I think the SOONER you and your husband can get a place of your own, the better. SHE is not going to change.
Be KIND. That is what the FIL means. I do agree with Karma - and that what you GIVE is what you will get. So if you start being mean, rude, snotty, putting her down (and you sound a little bit like you are) then that is what you get back in return. BE kind. ACCEPT that shoe is of a different generation with a different attitude. Accept that she doesn't HAVE to like you. She just has to tolerate you living with them.
Try and do nice little things for her. Maybe even get her out of the house on occasion. Just the two of you. She is after all your MIL.
If it doesn't work, FIND a place to rent while you save up for your own home because there is no way this is going to end well for either of you if there is no CIVILITY between the two of you.
Now you might ask, WHY should I try and make the first move? Because you ARE the DIL. You ARE living in HER house.
Or you can live in this chaos.
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