A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:hey im 13.my mom has been in a relationship with this guy. over the years he has started getting more and more controling.they fight every single dayy...okay well last year we have bought a condo.. my mom cant afford it on her own and he helps her pay so he always argues.. my mom wants to let him go but shes waiting for the raise from her job...long story short..yesterday my mom went to her friends house and he called her, saying "where are you" and my mom lied that she is shopping because he wont allow her to see friends or family. so then he said "tell me where you are i want to see" so my mom got scared and she left quickly and she met him by a gas station and there was alot of people there.. and he got out the car yelling at my mom in front of everyone saying "you are a liar! now show me all the receipts where you were" and my mom got in the car and left home.then they were in the elevator and she was standing and he was mad he punched my mom in the stomach as hard as he can and my mom just fell on the floor and didnt wake up. then after maybe 25 minutes a man came in the elevator and found my mom. he brought my mom inside the house and my step dad was there and he acted like nothing happend.my sister is 23 both me and my sister talked to my mom. my mom wont contact the police in anyway or kick him out because she cant pay..i cnat contact the police either because she will get mad.i feel bad because my mom has a trauma as a kid she was always abused by her drunk dad.i am at my sisters house right now. im afraid to go home. because my step dad the other day looked at me and said "oh ____ your boobs are getting bigger" and he hugged me so tightly i couldnt breath. so i just left the house.im very sad i dont know how to deal with this iknow my mom loves me and shes trying to do anything for us but she wont kick him out untill she can pay and by then he can kill her.i keeep thinking when im older i will be in a relationship like this. im afraid.my whole life i have seen abusive relationships with even my real dad. please tell me what i can do to make myself feel better. please.im only 13 and im seeing all this stuff.i feel as if my mom should be a role model but shes setting a bad example because i look at her and say "i never want to be in this position", i told her everyting how i felt and now she calls me. i never pick up i have been ignoring her and im not speaking to her because im upset and angry.what should i do?? please help!i cant call the police or naything please dont suggest that..thx agony aunts ~ily all~
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Wow, well I am very sorry for your mother and everything you are going through.
Here is the thing, you are only a child of 13, and you shouldn't be feeling like you have to deal with adult problems. It is your Mom's responsibility to get rid of her abusive boyfriend...what you need to do is protect yourself if you can. Staying with your sister is a good idea until things get settled with the boyfriend. See if you can live with a relative who doesn't abuse you if and until your Mom gets the help she needs.
There are all kinds of help and shelters for battered women which your Mom could contact if she wants help.
I think you have shown a lot of courage standing up to your Mom and taking care of yourself...if you want to answer the phone and speak to her do so, unless you think she will force you back home. I believe that after the age of 10, you can actually contact the court and request emanicpation from your mother as long as you have another adult relative to take over your care...this is something you could look into with that particular relative...your first obligation is to yourself, to protect yourself if your parent is falling down on her job doing that.
After all, you are the child here and your Mom should be protecting YOU, not the other way around.
I hope things get better for you soon. I also think that you will not choose this kind of abusive relationship for yourself as an adult, you have already made a conscious choice that this is wrong and is not for you, I think you will be fine.
Keep us posted.
A
female
reader, Charlpop  +, writes (10 August 2009):
 First of all, stop ignoring your Mum, you need to speak to her!
It's awful you have to witness all this, and you don't feel like you can do anything about it.
I understand this is a really tricky situation, with the money and all, but something does need to happen.
It sounds like your step-dad is using the money situation to maintain control, and he's being inappropriate towards you, too.
If your Mum could get a loan for the condo (or, if it's a mortgage, she could talk to the bank and ask for smaller payments each month), that could be something that would help the money issue, and then she could leave your step-dad.
However, if she doesn't want to (I'd be surprised) then you need to tell her how much it worries you and anything that he has said to you that is inappropriate.
Also, about you being worried you will end up in an abusive relationship, it's unlikely as you've seen all this and you know the dangers of it, and the signs.
I hope this helps.
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