A
female
age
30-35,
*aturestrikes
writes:I don't know where to start...When I first got together with my guy, I knew his ex was having his baby, and I seemed alright with it. I was warned, when I first met her, that she wasn't actually a nice person, in fact, she was manipulative and has done a lot of awful things in the past, like hitting my boyfriend whilst they were dating and putting a brick through her parents' window because she they didn't get her a bottle of vodka.She's having his baby in 3 weeks or so, and it's starting to dawn on me that the man I love is going to be a father, and is having said baby with that girl... Am I wrong to feel... not a sense of jealousy but more confusion and ... probably envy. He doesn't want anything to do with his ex, but I know he's going to want to see his son. I'm petrified she'll make us two break up because she's already tried multiple times by planting doubts in my head about him. False accusations that got me worried and upset.He's working all day, and he said he's going to donate his evenings to his son. Weekends he'll be at band practice leaving one day to us... I can't see the baby because she won't want me to. A friend of her's told my boyfriend that she'd admitted that the only reason she was keeping this baby (she's had an abortion and a few miscarriages before this) is so that he's always there for him. She apparently still loves him... or something along those lines. She's using this baby to keep her claws well and truly dug into him.She's abusing the baby already. Smoking and drinking heavily throughout the pregnancy... my boyfriend's been trying to assure me that the baby will be dead soon so that we've nothing to worry about us, and he's assuring me that the baby won't do anything to our relationship...I'm not stupid... I am completely in love with this man... but I don't know if I can accept the fact that baby's coming... I'm scared he'll run off with her to be with his son... I feel guilty for wanting him to not love it and just leave it with her. Baby needs Daddy... It's tearing me up.I feel ashamed, confused and torn up because of this girl... Why did I allow myself to become so attached knowing that baby's coming? I just love him so much...
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abortion, his ex, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): hi i no u posted this 2 years ago but im in the same position now just wondering how u got though it x
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Yes my dear, you just let time tell. Take a little distance from the situation if you can. His talking about the baby being dead soon is a bit.... well, not great. But hey.. chill. He won't go back with her, he's doing his very best to reassure you so he obviously wants you. Question is: do you really want him? Think about that instead.Love.Tas
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): Believe me. I know what the baby mama drama is all about. My bf is accused of being the father of a 2 year old by one girl and I just found out a few days ago that he had gotten his ex pregnant and she had a miscarrage in September we started dateing in October but I just found all this out a few days ago and only cuz she told me first. I had to ask him. It kills me cuz he is my first relationship and I get to give him everything. But he could have already had a son with the person I hate most in this whole world. What's keeping me together is that it's his past. And he can't change that nomatter how much he loves me. It's got to be one of the most painful things a person can go through so I assure you my heart goes out to you and I hope for your future and happieness
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female
reader, Naturestrikes +, writes (12 August 2009):
Naturestrikes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSocial services isn't a bad idea. Though my guy's mum has already suggested us taking custody of the baby. I don't think I'm ready for a baby, nevermind anyone elses... I'm 16...
And about the dying-before-birth... It's not really reassurance is it. I guess it is in his eyes.
And she got pregnant because she was on the pill and began to take antibiotics, knowing that it could cancel the effects of the pill.
What a mess...
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 August 2009):
 and now I read your post again .. sorry, but I really don't like the idea that the baby dying would be great because then you'd have nothing to worry about ...??
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (11 August 2009):
I don't know about her but I find his comments about the baby being dead before birth pretty unsavoury. Also, how did she get pregnant? Obviously he was sleeping with her, unprotected, just a few months ago. Where does that put him?
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A
female
reader, Naturestrikes +, writes (11 August 2009):
Naturestrikes is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm petrified that she's going to sink her claws into him and demand more time with him at her house... "The baby needs this... the baby needs that..." Because she's the kind of person I see doing that.He keeps reassuring me, I feel guilty for worrying about this even after his reassurance... Like I'm not trusting or something. Mostly the reassurance is "I'll not see him" or "He'll be dead before birth I bet."I won't stop him, ever, from seeing the child. That'd be unfair, and I know what it's like to grow up without a biological father from personal experience.I might consider contacting social services. She was spending bits of money (£400) and bragging about income support whilst buying a double shot of Wray Nephews (64% per single I think?). Me and my guy were both disgusted about it... Even then, she was texting him later on saying "I am in love with you..." and then later in the text "Baby needs his daddy..." It damn near made me burst into tears.Do I just let time tell?
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reader, natasia +, writes (10 August 2009):
You are in an excruciating situation, and I can understand all of your feelings. I think this is how you should think about it:
1) There is NOTHING about having the baby that will make him want to go back to her, if she is that bad. I don't believe he will - I am sure he will stay with you. But yes, he will spend time in her company when he is with the baby, and unfortunately, because she won't let you see the baby, he won't be able to just bring the baby home and be with you and him. HOWEVER, and this is very important, you need to be patient and just wait and see how things pan out. Probably a routine will establish itself, and you will have to see whether you are happy with it or can live with it for now. Your guy will also need to try to keep you happy in all of this.
2) Don't blame the baby at all, and don't ever ever try to come between him and the baby. It would be wrong to do this, and he is only likely to split up with you if you do this, I think. You can never come between someone and their child - they will end up hating you for it.
3) She sounds very annoying and upsetting - just her existence, and the fact thta she is having his baby, would drive me insane with jealously and insecurity!! I think you're doing very well. However, ultimately you need to see how things arrange themselves. Be prepared to go elsewhere if his life really is too busy and complicated for you.
I don't think it will be, though. You sound a very reasonable person. If you love him, support him, trust him, and make your home together a haven for hi m. And maybe you'll have your own family together. But don't begrudge the baby his father. We all deserve one - you know that. And would you love your guy if he put his girlfriend before his child? Probably not. I know that's the paradox, as you also want and need his love, but you guys need to work out how to make space in your life for the little baby. Good luck.
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