A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm so confused. I have been dating my boyfriend for five years now. When we meet I knew he had a daughter. After the first six months everything was fine and his daughter and I got along great and his "baby mama" and I had figured out boundaries and all that. Well, after we had been dating about six months I was told that he may have a nother kid by another woman. When i asked him about it he said the mother was technically married and was with her husband on and off when they had a drunk two night stand. He said he knew he could be the father but the mother of the child said she thought it was her husbands and for him to "not worry about it" Since then this other woman and her husband are divorced and he was proven not the father of this kid. So, recently, five years later, my boyfriend was court ordered to take a paternity test. And he was proven the father! I'm so confused! I don't know what to do. I love him and his daughter so much and don't want to throw our relationship away, but at the same time I don't know if I could deal with another kid and another "baby mama". We've talked about it and as much as he doesn't like the mother of the child he feels he should be there for the kid. Which I agree. I could really use some advice! I think it might also bother me that we don't have children together. Oh and the fact that he has a almost seven year old daughter and now an almost five year old son and we've been together for five years.
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (27 November 2010):
You may scream as loud as you like, but the fact is your man is a cheater. When you sleep with another man wife it’s called cheating. You may have another name for it, yet it’s all the same (cheating). He probably was cheating on the previous girl that he was dating before you. I doubt he been faithful to you as well.
“And also he takes care of his daughter now and pays for EVERYTHING!” really, did you buy this because I don’t. I know you know the truth as well, or better than we do. Fact from you: “recently, five years later, my boyfriend was court ordered to take a paternity test. And he was proven the father!” he let someone shelter his responsibility for well over five years before they had to haul him into court. Let another man order him, having a judgment against this man before he would live up to his responsibilities. Joint custody to a man is like saying I want to pay as little as possible and they’re not staying with me.
Most of us start supporting the kid from day one, not 5 years later and call that support so I stand by my deadbeat dad statement. He left every woman that conceived a child with him with no regrets. You want to conceive a child with a man that has a history of abandon his kids? All I can say is good luck and man women have carry their guys burden alone. You will be the same.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo largentsgirl89 and Tante Victoire, Thanks so much for the advice. My boyfriend is really a good man and has a good heart. At one time and even now somewhat he questioned wanting to be a part of this kids life because he doesn't want to lose me. He feels bad that this is all of a sudden coming up, when it should have been taken care of almost five years ago when the child was born. I know in the long run he will decide to be a part of his sons life because he has said that he grew up with his father around and every kid deserves that no matter the circumstances. I told him I will support his decision and we will try and make it work. That's all we can do. I wouldn't want him to decide not to be a part of his sons life just because he thought I wouldn't stick around. Yeah it would maybe make our lives easier for now, but deep down I would feel like a horrible person and I know he would too. So, now all I can say is we'll see how it goes here in the near future! thanks again for the advice. Oh and we do eventually want children of our own, but were waiting until I get done with college next May to try and have our own and once we get this mess all straightened out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I should clarify some things. My boyfriend was with this woman six months before we were together. The baby was born like 2 or 3 months after we started dating.So he didn't cheat! And also he takes care of his daughter now and pays for EVERYTHING! The mother doesn't have a decent job and so he makes up for it. We also have her everyother week for a week at a time, so they have 50-50 joint custody. Oh and he went to court for his other kid and they gave him joint custody and he has to start paying child support now and they left it up to my boyfriend and his sons' mom to figure out when they will meet.
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A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (27 November 2010):
Not really drama, but a dead beat dad that pawn his own kid off to another man to raise. i beat he barley pays anything on the one he claims. You have a cheater and you want to stay with that. How many does he really have?
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (26 November 2010):
 That is a lot of baby mama drama. I think that if you love him enough you can potentially make this work. You figured out boundaries with the other mother of his child, why can't you do the same with this one?
I'm assuming the mother of the child wants him to have something to do with the child now that her and her husband aren't together anymore and its awesome that he (and you too) feel he should be there for the kid.
Have you two tried to have children? Is that something you two would want to do? If so, then talk to him about it. I think based on the fact that you have set boundaries with his first baby's mama, you shouldn't have any problems with this other one.
Court can also set some legal boundaries if she isn't willing to play ball here.
Good luck. Keep me updated ok?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): I think firstly you should appreciate the goodness there exists in this man you have, that he wants to be there for his own children. From what I've learned of the world, most fathers could not at all claim the same.
It is worrying that he seems to have been rather a playboy in his former life, but I think it seems that he has now settled into a different sort of life with you at its heart.
You have not outlined his character so thoroughly for us, but from what I see, he's just a guy doing the right thing, and you are a girl who has been supportive of his other child's wellbeing. If you are willing to let the other's presence in in the same way, I think your relationship with the father will remain more or less the same.
"Baby momma" drama is unfortunate and, yes, might prove mighty stressful and taxing if it errupts again in the future from either of the two women.
If so! you know where to vent...
Tante Victoire
P.S. Have children only if you truly want them, not because you feel you have to somehow "match" or compete with the moms of his other kids. He will not play favorites with any of his children and you are clearly his Favorite girl, else he is completely not the man you fell in love with! That he already has two is not an indicator that he's thrown in the towel... there's nothing to prove he wouldn't wish for any contribution You could help provide to this little family! :)
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