A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for about 13 years now. I have two daughters which I love so much. I am an honest, hardworking husband and try to be the best father that I can. I hug my kids daily, tell them I love them, sit with them on the couch and watch American Idol, go to their soccer games, play games with them...but I am miserable at home.After my first child, my wife completely stopped having sex with me. 2 years after my first daughter's conception, we had sex and she immediately got pregnant with the second daughter during that one sexual encounter in nearly 3 years. Since the conception of my 2nd daughter, I have not had intercourse with my wife no more than 4 times in 8 years.I don't think I'm that bad looking...and dated a model and a fitness instructor before I got married. I'm only about 15 lbs overweight and that has really only happened in the past 3 years because I am "massively" depressed. However, I still get stares from woman.To me, intimacy is a requirement for a marriage or even a relationship with a woman. I feel like it is through intimacy that we grow together as one and can form a stronger relationship with god. It allows us to get "carnal" knowledge out of our brain. I have no sexual intimacy and it has made me very lonely and I am very depressed. I have tried to live my life with no sex for the sake of my children but it is too hard for me. I am weak. Virtually every woman I see now on the street looks sexy to me even if she is 20 years older than me and weighs over 200lbs. However, I'm an honest person and not good at lieing. I'm also shy and could never be good at cheating.I have tried talking to my wife and she just says "she doesn't need sex" any more. She has about 20 books on menopause...she doesn't have menopause but wants it really badly to happen to her. She also doesn't think its a problem for me to get intercourse once per year or two. She says I'm "lucky". I don't feel lucky. I feel miserable, lonely and wanting the affection of a woman. My wife is happy with a hug...to her that is all the affection she seems to need. There is nothing wrong with her body's capacity to orgasm or sexually perform. I have tried to get her help or buy things to help her sexually but she refuses to try them....and laughs it off.I don't know what to do. I love my kids so much. I don't want to hurt them. They will never forgive me for leaving my wife. On the other hand, I'm literly "dieing"....and on days, I would be happy just to die. I know that I could get another woman in a micro-second if I applied myself. The other thing is my wife is Jewish and I am a Christian. And, as I have gotten older, I have wanted a deeper relationship with god as well. She makes fun of Jesus to the kids. I have very little influence on my kids life. She asks me things, but then ignores them. Our house is a mess and you can't walk into any closet eventhough it is a gigantic 3000 square foot house with a pool. I do ok and own my own business.Can someone please help me. Must I give up my entire life and live in unhappiness so that I don't ruin my kids life. I know its easy for people to judge me and say "oh well, you said till death do you part". "For better or worse". I have tried for the past 3 or 4 years to do this with the goal of leaving the second the kids are out of school. But I am not "making it". I am loosing my will to live and work. As I said, I have gained 15lbs in the past 3 years. I am now always tired and just want to sleep. I am almost starting to sabotage my life it seems in the hopes that I get very sick, can't make a living, loose my job or anything to cause things to blow up and fall apart. Anything that will somehow get me out of this mistake that I have made for my entire life. My kids mean the world to me. I don't know how I can be separated from them when this lady even further takes control of their lives, tells them lies about me that I can't defend being out of the house or whatever else is bound to happen.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): One more thing, your daughters Love you. My husband has told lies about me to my 2 kids, and it burns me up, BUT I had to come to the conclusion, ONE DAY, the truth will all come out. You just have to reassure them it's a Lie (but not dwell on the issue). They see Actions speak Louder than words, and if their mother is being vindictive, they will see through it. Hold on to that truth. If your wife won't agree to get help on this Very Important issue with you, then I would tell her She is the one Choosing to end the marriage, not you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2009): I hope you're feeling better to 'get it all out'. If you are so sure the problem is about 'no sex', then a marriage counselor isn't as beneficial as a sex therapist. They get to the heart of specifice questions to/for your wife. I still see some hope for you, and I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses...I will answer some of the points and questions brought up.1. Why let this go on for years? Pretty simple...my daughters. Its easy for woman to say this because they win virtually all custody battles. So they know they will chances are see and raise the kids. However, divorce for a man means I probably will never have the relationship I currently have with my kids.2. Does your wife really know how you feel? Well I have told me wife and asked for sex and it represents fully 50% of all arguments. She knows...in some cases she says its not a problem and is normal. Other times she will say she is too busy. Still other times should would say, I'm not sure whats wrong with me I just don't have any sex drive anymore.3. Your wife is clinically depressed. No, my wife is not depressed at all. I'm depressed. My wife would love everything to stay as is forever.4. You and your wife need to see a counselor. Ok... It was actually on my instance before we got married that we had to see a "pre-marriage" counselor to avoid a divorce. Counselors really are there to help you "accept" reality. The first problem is I don't feel comfortable talking about sex with a stranger in the room. A couselor is also going to say that "is not the problem"...there is some other underlying problem. Nope. That is the problem. I have been living with this woman for 12 years. There is "no other" hidden problem. Even these comments are searching for something to explain this. There isn't. It is what it is. Secondly, my wife does not think most of the time its a problem...secondly when she admits it to herself...she just concludes "low sex" drive...oh well. Why do I need to talk with a counselor to get back to exactly where I am today. I am not ruling this out...I'm just trying to figure out how I can say the problem is sex and how she will not simply say there is no sex problem. She does that in all of our arguments. She manipulates everything to a non-issue...and looks at these sorts of discussions as "personal attacks" on her.5. You are starting to resent your wife. Well this is probably true. I feel like I was trapped into a non-sexual marriage and permantly trapped with kids into misery. A choice between my kids and living a celebate life. So yes, resentment is definetly there. I feel like she is self-absorbed and selfish as well and that also comes out...because she just ignores what I tell her I need. However, marriage is nothing but accomodations and doing other things for the other person....but I guess I have reached a limit now of what I can take and keep my sanity. I am close to a nervous breakdown on days. She things its work...I tell her the problem but she ignore what I say and thinks its an attack on her and continues to think what she wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2009): It really surprises me that men can let this go on for years without saying, this isn't acceptable. It's really not, and you're feelings are valid. You've been given great advice here. Also, don't let your wife 'make fun' of your Christianity. I would be insulted and hurt, and carry resentment. Resentment eats at your soul and makes a person hard. You don't want this for your daughters to see do you? Please take a step in the right direction, because the worst thing you can do is nothing at all.
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (13 March 2009):
You are in such a tight spot. You shouldn't feel bad for looking at other women or wanting sex. You've been a real trooper to make it this far.
If you're not going to leave then you need to be healthy and strong for yourself and your children. If your wife isn't interested in counseling maybe you should get some for yourself - as a hard issue like this needs some outlet and support.
Does your wife REALLY know how you feel and would she be concerned if she did? If you've been all gentlemanly about it then it could be time to be blunter and tell her how badly it is affecting you, much like you have done here.
Staying and hoping your life will derail itself won't do any good for your children. You getting sick and despressed won't be good for them either, or yourself for that matter.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 March 2009):
 What an awful situation to be in. You must be at the end of your rope.
I have a couple of thoughts for you: Get into marriage counseling with or without her. You make the appointment convenient for her to attend, tell her about it and go even if she doesn't.
Then doctor's appointments for both of you. Full checkup, full history, bloodwork, the works. Tell him or her about how you're feeling, it's important to your care!
This isn't a marriage, it's a dormitory. Part of marriage is the physical intimacy; it's hugely important for many people and obviously it is for you. So she's ignoring her marriage vows without any particular reason expressed.
You have to get to the bottom of the "not interested" part. There's something there. Medical, hormonal, depression, perhaps she's a closeted lesbian who married because society told her to, sexual abuse in her past by a trusted person, a sexual assault. There are many many reasons why this has happened to her. I'm guessing depression but that's just a guess. She doesn't want to face it because it's ugly and it's a pain and she just doesn't want to deal with whatever it is.
And that's what has to happen in order for you to stay in this marriage. I understand your frustration, your anger, your resentment, YOUR depression.
Look, put your girls' interests first. Having healthy, stable, balanced parents is probably THE most important part of a child's upbringing. You and your wife are neither at this point. So you have to start to work on getting balance in YOUR life, and hopefully your wife will come along with you.
If she doesn't, despite your and the marriage counselor's best efforts, then she doesn't. And she loses out on a wonderful family and the whole package. But you shouldn't feel doomed or helpless or hopeless. Start moving.
Take good care of your health. Eat right, don't drink too much, exercise, have some play time, not all work all the time.
Start planning. If you start to take charge of the misery, and take concrete steps to address the issues, you will start feeling better, I'm pretty sure.
Marriage counselor. Doctor's visit for you AND her, not negotiable. Lay out the varios scenarios--doesn't mean they're going to happen--but get some gameplans lined up for all of them. What happens if she doesn't go to marriage counseling. What happens if she does. What are the changes you need to make and you'd like her to make (realistic ones)?
Take back control of your life. I hope she comes with you on this journey, it would be a pity to throw it away for lack of effort or caring.
Chin up, breathe, and for heaven's sake TALK to a someone about this situation. I think the best person is a marriage counselor. (Don't go to one who is practicing out of a Christian perspective, that will flop with your wife.) A professional who has seen all kinds of things and can help guide you through the steps of discovery.
Now hold your head up and with this plan, you can make your way through the murky waters that lie ahead of you. Things are going to get worse before they get better, so be prepared for that.
I hope things work out for you and your family.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds a little like you are strating to resent your wife. That happened to my parents and the kind of damage that comes from resentment is almost impossible to repair. So if you want to stay together, be careful!
You said your quality of life is deteorating... don't your kids deserve a father who is at 100%? And also a strong male figure who is not disrespected by his wife. Her laughing off stuff that is important to you does not sound very good.
I would suggest outside help, but she doesn't seem very receptive from what you said correct? So I would tell her EXACTLY how I feel. Maybe she doesn't realize how serious this is to you and how its affecting you. Maybe even show her this post or some form of it at least. If after she fully understands your struggles and she still refuses to compromise, I think you have your answer. Stay miserable or do something that is incredibly hard but needed and rebuild from there. If you were to split up, of course it would be awful for the kids, but that is something that with time eases as everyone realizes it was for the best.
Stop hoping for a disaster. Take back control of what you want in life. Everyone deserves respect and happiness!
PS I am not advising you to leave! But more saying you do what you feel you have to do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Sun Tzu remarked that it is better to lose a battle to win a war. If your existence is a metaphor for a kingdom, then to win this war, you may need to relinquish this battle with your wife without demoralizing your troops (your self esteem).
There are a two points in your comment: 1. your kids are already influenced by their mother and 2. you are leading a miserable life. Diplomacy has failed and your soldiers are now wailing in misery. Do you continue this battle or do you retreat and redefine your purpose?
Indeed, your children will be affected by this and there is a possibility that they may be affected negatively if you leave, but they will be affected negatively if your relationship gets worst.
You will need to choose the path of the least resistance to make this work for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): First of all, I absolutely understand your pain, and no, I don't think you're a bad person for feeling the way you do. I've had glimpses of where you are, and it ain't pretty.
OK, take a deep breath. I think you can count on getting some reasonable input from others here.
First, have you suggested counselling. It sounds like you've told your wife what's going on with you, but she hasn't heard you. A skilled facilitator might be able to bridge the communication gap between you.
That's assuming it is indeed a communication gap, and not something more profound, like her being completely selfish. There's amazing variation in peoples' sex drives, but the apparent mismatch between you and your wife is unsustainable. It's almost as if she used you to obtain children. For what it's worth, if she's not willing or able to compromise in any way, you would be quite justified in leaving.
If it comes to that, I would strongly advise you to sit down with a lawyer *before* you even intimate to her that you're going to do it. Know what assets she's entitled to, what visitation you can expect, etc. It sounds like a clean, friendly break from her would not be in the cards.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2009):
 I'm sorry :(
I think your wife is going thru something, but obviously she isn't going to doctor. It's NOT normal for a woman to totally lose their sex drive. There is usually a deeper or underlying cause for it.
It could have to do with depression ( even postpartum after baby #1) it can linger if ignored.
It's not you. I think.
Focus some of that energy into yourself. Find something you are passionate about ( and no, not another women ok?) Sports, cars.. don't matter but find something YOU enjoy to do. Maybe even have the kids join you in this.
Another thing. I learned this in my own marriage. If you want something from you spouse, then start my giving them what YOU want. They will pick up on it. She might need to see a doctor ( anti depressants might work or even have a complete hormonal panel done, they can be totally out of whack) She can be having LOW self esteem and be more busy beating herself & you up instead of working on making the marriage work.
You need to get some counseling. If that fails I think you need to concentrate on you. I rather be happy and divorced then miserable and married. Your kids deserve a happy MOM & DAD. If you can't be that together maybe you can apart.
There are dad who get custody. Your kids are old enough to be able to pick.
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