A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone.I need some advice please.Last year I had breast cancer, and recieved an insurance payout. Thankfully I have just been given the all clear. My partner was mostly very suportive at the time, although we were having financial difficulty's, and argued a bit about that.Since I had the all clear last week, he seems obsessed with spending the money I recieved. Its not that I'm mean, I helped him buy a boat and also lots of other stuff he wanted. I have never had any spare money before, and wanted to save some incase I get the cancer back and need time off work. He says I'm being stupid, and really sulks when I dont hand it over. I know I should make a stand and say "No" and I do up to a point, but he wears me down, and I cant cope with any upset after last year.We are supposed to be getting married this year, but I am wondering if he really loves me now.Just one thing, he has nevy been mean to me. He would give me the shirt off his back...or would have. He seems to have changed so much.Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all, for the support.
I have spoken to him, and I think he understands my fears now. He has said he wont ask for anything again, and just wants us to be happy. He says the money is not important, and that my health is most important thing.
I have decided to put a lump sum away so that I cant even spend it, and also do some building work to our house and garden, that will benifit us both.
I have been straight with him and said there will be no more wasting it.
Thank you again so much xxx
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 March 2011):
On the spot, ditch him. You're being screwed by him. My mother inherited £40,000 from her uncle once. My Dad spent the lot and we have struggled since. My mother has resented not having been stronger with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): First of all, not only is your boyfriend being unreasonable, he's behaving like a spoiled four year old! Sulking is just not on in anyone over the age of 10. Second of all, this isn't about this particular parcel of money. It's about the pair of you being financially compatible. This means having a broad agreement about your life goals and what you need to do to reach them. How much money do you need to save in accounts? How much do you need to put aside for housing? How much should go into pensions? How much do you spend, and what do you spend it on? You need to agree on these things before you get married, because otherwise there is every chance that you will be entering that most important contact with incompatible goals - which can destroy a relationship.What you've said suggests to me that you're a saver. You like to have a prudent chunk of money squirreled away in the event of something going wrong. That is a very adult, responsible attitude to take, but it's probably also emotionally necessary for you, given that you've just been through a period of great instability and worry wiht your illness. Knowing that you have that money there, for you, isn't just about the practical implications of having a nest egg. It's about you feeling like you can cope emotionally and practically if you need to.Your partner, by contrast, wants to throw caution to the wind. That's not a very responsible attitude, but it is understandable when you think how worried and concerned he must have been for your wellbeing. He probably feared losing you, and now wants to celebrate lightheartedly with you and forget all about the illness. Unfortunately, what he's not seeing is that keeping that money for you isn't about your being preoccupied with your sickness - it's about you feeling safe and secure, and that you can cope with the future. I suggest you sit him down and try to explain the emotional situation. Tell him that, emotionally, you need to have that money there - it's a part of your recovery, part of getting back to a position where you feel in control and able to cope. Explain that it's not about hanging on to the experience of being sick, but about moving on from it. Suggest that you sit down and plan a budget for when you are married, so you can be sure that you have financially compatible life plans.Be prepared to compromise, but just a little. Maybe instead of going on a massive holiday that costs thousands, use a much smaller proportion of the cash to go away for a cheaper weekend that costs a few hundred, or even just have a nice celebratory meal somewhere together! If he insists on spending this money after you've told him that you have an emotional need to keep it, I would think carefully about whether he really has your best interests at heart. But I think he will probably come around when he realizes what this really means to you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): hi i hope this helpsim in the same boat a little different but similarlet me explain short n brief so you get an ideai recently recieved a payout for being sexually abused, it was a biggish amount now i have a car loan but i decided i would use the money for my future not right now. my partner went n wanted a new car he didn want to get a loan n instead wanted me to pay it so he wont get into debt. we got into a fight over it and nearly broke up.i went to my best friend who also went through the same thing now this is the advice she gave me, it helped me so i hope it helps uthe payout is for your suffering, u didn suffer so your partner could get his hands on it. it is yours and only yours so if u want to blow it u can if u want to save it then u can do that aswell but at the end of the day he has no right to ask for even a cent. they gave u the payout cos u suffered so dont feel mean or guilty for not handing him any of it. thats nt wat it was there for. and he should respect that and u when u say no. trust me tho i use to think the worse thing that ever happened was gettin a payout.hope this helps
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