A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried about my boyfriend's drinking buy I have no idea how to get it through to him that he may have a problem. He is 13 years older, making him 37 and myself 24. We have been together for two years and although both families had an issue with the age gap, we have had a great relationship until the beginning of the year when I noticed his drinking had started to get more then just a 'big' night. When he is at work, he doesn't drink at all. So Monday-Friday, he is the loving guy I fell for, but Friday-Sunday, I don't regonise him. He goes straight to the pub from work until closing time on the Friday and when he comes home he barely knows where he is. A few times he has called me by his ex girlfriend's name but I have let it go as the next day he can't remember.I'm constantly worrying about the amount of money he spends on alcohol and whether it's just alcohol he is spending it on. He has a 7 year old child who stays with us every other weekend and since all this started I'm the one who needs to make sure they are OK and I have to change my shifts around to make sure someone is home because their dad doesn't seem to care when he has had a drink.I know it seems easy to say just leave but when he doesn't drink during the week, he is a great partner and a brilliant dad. He wants us to have our own child but I have managed to convince him now isn't the time. He pays the mortgage as it was his home before we met and I pay most of the bills, but a few times I have had to help him out with money to pay the mortgage repayment as he hasn't had the money.He isn't violent when he has been drinking but he doesn't care about me or his child it feels and I have tried talking to him about it and he just says he won't go out if I don't want him to but it feels like he wants to start a row more then actually talk about it. I don't know what to do for the best. I love him and I know he loves me but I'm not sure if he loves going out all weekend more then he loves me and his child.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 September 2015):
 "HERE I come to save the day...." whenever my name gets mentioned I feel like I should reply too...
I'm not even going to go to potential at this point.
What you have is an alcoholic boyfriend. Just because he stays sober during the week and is working does not mean he's not an alcoholic.
The question is which love is more important to him. YOU or the booze.
My husband is in recovery. He stopped drinking on January 5, 2015. He was told by me that it was his ONLY option for saving our marriage. I was NOT going to stay married to him as he gets out of control and violent when he drinks.
Just because your bf does not get violent does not mean his drinking is unacceptable.
My husband gave up his first love (alcohol) for me. He had been drinking nearly daily since age 12. He could go a week or two by choice without drinking. It did not mean he didn't have an alcohol problem.
The issue with alcoholism is that it is a progressive disease that only gets worse.
I strongly urge you to read up on alcoholism including the genetic component. My husband is the son of an alcoholic and the grandson of an alcoholic. Alcohol killed his grandfather.
If you continue to pay his bills, and care for his children you are enabling him to drink.
I also strongly suggest you get a copy of the book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Al-Anon-Works-Families-Alcoholics/dp/0910034265 (the UK link)
also Al-anon is for people like you who has lives affected by Al-anon. Al-anon saved my marriage so far and my peace of mind.
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
Please feel free to PM me if you wish to discuss it in private.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (21 September 2015):
A drink problem becomes just that – a problem, when either the person is unable to control it or function without it, or when it starts to interfere with other aspects of life. He’s a classic binge drinker: able to go without drinking for regular periods, then consuming excessive quantities of drink in short sessions. This guy needs to be confronted. Sit him down (when sober, obviously) and explain to him that you’re not trying to stop him going out or enjoying himself, but ask him whether he has considered that might be drinking too much? Explain that you are already having to adjust your arrangements to ensure that his child is safely looked after because he is drinking and going out too much, and that this child is missing out on quality time with Dad. I would ask him why his drinking appears to have increased and let him know that he can talk to you if anything is worrying him and playing on his mind. If he doesn’t offer anything up, at least you’ve made the offer. If he is receptive, great. If he denies that it’s a problem, explain that you’ve already highlighted the ways in which it is now becoming a problem for the reasons outlined. If he gets petulant and says that he won’t go out in a tone that indicates he’s looking to pick a fight over the issue, calmly explain that you are not opposing his going out, but that you are not prepared to tolerate him ruining every weekend and bailing him out of his parental responsibilities because of his being drunk.
You said that it’s easy to just tell you to leave him, and I agree – ideally that’s what I’d advise you to do. Yet it’s obvious that you want to try and make this work and so I have advised you how to confront him. The trouble is, when it comes to addiction and problematic consumption of alcohol or other drugs, denial runs deep. Whether you say it to him straight away, I do think you need to have an idea in your head of how long you’re going to give it and how many chances before you take the difficult decision to leave, because I’m afraid this just might not be a battle you can win, especially if a lasting alcohol problem is developing.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 September 2015):
 Did he drink like this in his last relationship? Is that why he ex left him?
I mean, it would make sense.
One of our aunties (SVC) use the expression don't date a guy by his potential and she is right. YOU are dating a guy going by his potential his 5 days a week potential, the good caring guy he is 5 days a week. But... the thing is... you are with him 7 DAYS a week - so you need to "judge him" by how he is ALL 7 days, not just the good ones.
You are living with him and taking care of ALL the bills except the mortgage - but you also HAVE to take care of the mortgage bill occasionally because he doesn't have money.. because he drinks and piss his money away. Which means... you are ENABLING him.
YOU reschedule YOUR work around the week-ends where HE supposedly has his son, because you KNOW someone (you) needs to be there to supervise and be the caretaker of his son. HE can't even NOT drink the week-ends he has his son?! that is outrageous!
Seems to me he has like the the yolk in an egg. You pay for the majority of the bill, you walk on eggshells, you babysit (for free) HIS child - HIS responsibility.
I would say if you can see that he IS a fine man and you can see a future with him (without the booze) I'd move out. Set some boundaries and conditions for getting back together and/or moving back in.
These conditions should be something like:
1. He seeks help for the drinking. Doctor/AA meetings
IT is not normal to get so drunk EVERY week end that he can't recall what he did, who you are, or take care of himself and his child, his bills etc. He is 37 for crying out loud, not 20.
2. He stops drinking because he clearly can't handle alcohol. HE is ( I'm guess here) an alcoholic.
3. HE takes RESPONSIBILITY for his child when the child is there at HIS house. You are the GF, not the glorified babysitter.
4. He sits down with you and make a budget. And he STICKS to this budget. YOU should NOT have to cover for him because he drinks his money away. And you certainly should NOT pay the majority of the bills when you BOTH work and have an income.
Don't be his enabler.
Give him the change to get himself some help. And if he isn't willing then you know, he rather go out drinking EVERY weekend than be with you.
GOOD for you to decide not having kids with him just yet. What a mess that would be to bring a kid into this now.
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