A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing my boyfriend for a while, and we're sexually active. We're both 16, it's legal, I'm on the pill and we use condoms. Until today, neither of us had issues with our parents because we just hadn't told them.Today, my mom saw that my facebook was still signed on downstairs. She went on, and was able to watch a conversation between myself and my boyfriend, where we essentially 'talked dirty' to each other for about 20 minutes. Shortly after, I got screamed at.I don't really see the issue. My boyfriend and I haven't rushed into anything. We love each other and we're being safe, so why is my mom so annoyed?Surely, if anyone's in the wrong, it's her for going on my facebook in the first place?We're both 16, and not breaking any laws!Does anyone have any advice about how I can calm my mom down and get her to talk about this maturely?!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 October 2011):
 maybe then if you weren't doing anything wrong you shouldn't have kept it a secret from your mum?
here in the USA it's not really legal for kids to have sex till they are 18... but smart parents know better.
at 15 my daughter came to me and asked to go on birth control pills.. and off we went to the doctor to get her on pills... she was mature and smart about it and while I wish she would have waited I was that age once too... and I supported her adult behavior.
You said you were legal and adult about it but keeping it from your mom and now panicking over this behavior is not adult.
You need to go to your mom as the adult you say you are and calmly talk to her and explain to her "i'm an adult and I"m legal and let's talk like adults"
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (30 October 2011):
OP you may want to get your mum to talk about things maturely, but I think you are being somewhat hypocritical.
You have not acted maturely yourself. Dirty-talk is supposed to be a very personal and private activity. If you are going to do it then you need to make all efforts to make sure other people don't have access to it. Secondly, I don't really think it is the adult thing to dirty-talk over Facebook. Texting maybe, or a personal message prog perhaps, but Facebook?
The thing is, by doing all this, although you say you're being safe, by leaving all this to be discovered by your mum, you seem to have shown that you aren't really equipped to deal with adult activity. I mean, do you think an adult would dirty-talk over facebook and leave their profile logged on so one of their kids could come by and read it? Of course not. A degree of maturity means that most people take special care not to do that sort of thing because they know how other people could find it upsetting or distasteful to find out about it. You seem to be oblivious to how people might react to this sort of thing or you would have shown more care and, I will add, more respect, towards your mum. Ok she probably shouldn't have read it, but you didn't even bother to log out and it was left there for anyone to see, you were careless. That is not adult or mature behaviour.
Imagine if you were in your mother's shoes. YOu wouldn't be happy. Would you believe your daughter would be capable of having safe sex when she couldn't even remember to shut down her dirty talk on the computer? Also please remember that as your mum she is protective and worried about you all the time- that's what mums do! Finding out that your daughter is sexually active by reading dirty-talk on Facebook must be, to be honest, pretty nasty and shocking.
Next time be more careful. Your mum needs time to calm down. You are right that you're not doing anything illegal, but there are ways of informing your parents which are a bit nicer than how your mum found out. SHe might well be hurt that you didn't come to her and tell her. Give her a day or two and then sit down for a chat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): Maybe what upset her wasn't the fact you are sexually active, but the dirty talk. Because lots of people, including myself, think that is nasty. I know one of my closest friends is into dirty talking, even on the first date, and for me that is horrible and I have lost all respect for her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (30 October 2011):
Look, if it wasn't such a big deal like you're making it out to be, don't you think you would have told your mom then?
I do agree that a parent should respect their child's privacy unless they suspect something is going on. Any parent is going to worry about their teenage daughter dating a boy--so she just wanted to see what you two were talking about. I don't necessarily think that she was wrong for looking--you are her child and she's responsible for your well-being.
In any case, your mom probably did fly off the handle and came at you the wrong way. She probably should have just talked to you once she cooled down. But you have to realize that regardless of whatever protection you may be using, she is still going to worry about you becoming pregnant. Guess who takes care of the baby if you became pregnant at 16? Her! Besides that, you're her child and you're still so young, she probably isn't too keen on the idea that her child is having sex.
She isn't in the wrong necessarily, but just give her some time to cool down then ask her if she wants to talk about it if she doesn't come to you first.
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A
female
reader, LMnieves +, writes (30 October 2011):
I don't have children, but i do have siblings who are around your age (i'm the oldest) thinking about them even having/thinking sex scares the crap out of me! I think if you went to your mother and talked to her about being sexual active, this situation wouldn't of been so harash. Your mother probably was clueless, and this caught her off guard. It almost makes it seem like you ARE doing something wrong, b/c..you kept it from her. She has probably lost trust in you. Although you are 16 years old, doesn't mean that she can be okay with it, I lost my virginity way before that, so i can't really judge. However- 16 is VERY young to be having sex. I am so thankful you are smart about being safe, and that would be one thing that can help you in this argument. The best advice I can give you, is to go up to your mom and be like "May I please talk to you? and promise not to yell at me, until i'm through?"And explain yourself, and have your speech ready and do it good! Is she going to be disappointed? Yes. Is she going to let your boyfriend come upstairs to your room alone? Probably not. Is she going to be a little angry for awhile? Yes! But...you gotta understand what its like in her shoes! Her daughter is having sex!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): You shocked your Mom with two uncomfortable facts. You are sexually active and you are textually active with your bf.Give her some time to process the realization and let her know that you are being safe to give her peace of mind.As far as your Mom looking a the computer at your chat-you are embarassed by what she saw. You are living in her home and you did not pay for that computer. Consider it a less to be more discreet.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 It’s a huge issue for many parents to find their babies have grown up and become sexually active. We know it’s going to happen at some point, but often we hope it’s later rather than sooner. The horror of the idea can overwhelm the knowledge that they’re at least being safe and sensible, as you describe.
How you deal with her depends in part on what messages she’s given you about her values. If she’s been a “wait until marriage” sort, that’s going to be hard. If she’s said “be safe”, that’s easier. If, like many, she hasn’t said anything at all, you still have something to work with.
I’m assuming that you’re in a relationship that you chose, that has been free of coercion, that you freely chose to become sexually active, and that you’re happy with how things have been going. Provided that’s the case, then tell your mother exactly that. Emphasize that you’re being safe (pill, condoms).
As parents we have to accept that our children will move toward becoming adults. And that at a certain point we’ve had as much influence as we can. By age 16 we’ve really had all the influence we can about our values, and can only hope that our children make the best choices about relationships given what we’ve told them about our values – by age 16, our children will begin to make their own choices. You’ve done that, and you’re being safe.
The best you can do is to talk to her frankly and explain that, as an emerging adult, you’ve made responsible adult choices.
As to her looking at the Facebook page you left open, you can’t blame her for that. As long as you’re living under her roof and are under-age, she’s completely within her rights to look out for you. Of course it’s an awkward situation, but nonetheless it’s her responsibility to parent you. Her learning about your sexual relationship is awkward, for sure, but it’s certainly within her right to make sure that you’re OK. So accept her right to look after you, and answer her questions frankly. If she’s a reasonable person, she’ll come to terms with the fact that you’re a sexually mature and responsible person. Just don’t expect the process to be easy.
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A
female
reader, heart245 +, writes (30 October 2011):
Actually i believe your mom is right because though it not breaking any laws its still not right. Do you honestly believe that you guys will be together forever?One day something might happen, the condom might break, birth control fails all the time, then where would you be? 16 pregnant and with a furious mom on your back. Im fifteen and do not think im gonna give up my virginity so soon. Its too risky i think. So yeah i understand where she is coming from.
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