A
female
age
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*uglet
writes:I rang my Mom on Tuesday and was told by my sister on Tuesday that my mom had six weeks left to live. My sister had contacted everyone else in the family but me. My mom is in the US and I live in Ireland. I gathered up my resources and rang my Mom on Wednesday saying I would be there Saturday morning (It takes a while to get from the west of Ireland to California). I wanted to surprise her by walking in the door. As I turned the corner to her house, I saw my sister's car coming down the road. I waved her down. "Mom's dead", she tells me. "She died at 6:30 this morning". I was shocked. Is she at home, I asked. No, the funeral home picked her up about 9am. Our brother's in the house. I'll be back later. I gave my brother a hug and we had a little cry. He was tired, so he went to bed. I quietly went around the house, seeing my mom's robe, her bed, grieving and remembering. There were open boxes all over her bed. My sister had been looking for the will and any assets Mom had. I sat in my Mom's bedroom, looking at the cards she had collected through the years. I needed some time. My sister barged in with all her family. She came in where I was. We walked around the house together. She told me what she and my other sister are going to do with the house; how there are things to be fixed up before they can sell it for the best price. She told me how she's glad the receipts for my mom's Christmas presents are in the boxes so they can get their money back for them. I ask if there is anything I can do. She has it all taken care of, even though my Mom had nothing in her will regarding her final wishes for burial.I asked if Mom could wear the blouse I bought her for her burial. She tells me no; she has decided that Mom will wear a yellow sweatshirt that her and my other sister have. I ask if there is to be a Catholic mass or if a priest were called. She looks at me and shrugs her shoulders. I asked if there is anything I can do. She says I can clean out the outdated food in the fridge. She asks me if I loved Dad (who died). My father tried to kill me and tormented my mother with his affairs. I said I didn't really love him. She says she loved Dad. Fine, I said, we don't have to feel the same way about him. I sit down in the dining room. I asked if we should try to contact our Japanese half-sister (My mom just told me about her a couple of years ago and I found some correspondence regarding her). My sister went ballistic. She tells me I am insulting Mom and Dad and that I am being cruel and vindictive and that I hadn't been around for 20 years and that I should f*** off and get out of the house.I was so hurt, I went into my mom's room. I got the phone and asked my husband to get me home to Ireland. I am the eldest daughter, I am severely bi-polar, had a stroke two years ago, and am insulin-dependent diabetic. If I had stayed there I am afraid what I would have done to her. Instead, I took my things and left. I had barely any money and no ticket home. I lived in the airport for four days, eating from bins, sleeping on the floor. I finally got some money for my ticket home. When my sister was told, she says "she can stay in the f***ing airport" then told my husband he should leave me, that I am vindictive, spiteful, a bitch. When I got back to Ireland, the first thing I did was to have a mass said for my mother, she was mentioned at all masses during the week and in the parish newsletter. I also had a mass card sent to my sister to aid in her healing, and a rosary. I apologized for my tactless comments to all of my family in emails, but stated my reason for not loving my dad. I told them I was disgusted by the insensitivity regarding wills and money, and told them that mass was being said in my country for my mother to be received into heaven. I know that I feel bad and lonely, but I can't stay when I'm not wanted. No one in my family has contacted me to see if I am alive or dead. I don't know what else to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): Your family is the one that you create, with your husband and friends and those around you. The family that your parents created is special too, for your parents, and for you because it is part of your childhood and part of what made you who you are. Don't worry about your siblings having different attitudes. You are all individuals. You don't need to criticise each other for that. It is natural. Don't feel bad that they criticised you - it is their mistake. You have done what you think and feel is right. Well done. Carry on.
A
female
reader, puglet +, writes (28 January 2008):
puglet is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your advice. I realise I was probably wrong in some ways; I did apologize for my tactless words by email to every member of my family I could. I also realize emotions are running high.
My sisters have ignored me for years, refusing to call me regarding important family business (like my mom's cancer or my dad's death), refusing to speak to me while visiting Ireland (but I did talk to Mom a lot), never acknowledging my daughter, never sending a Christmas or birthday card to me or my family ( I sent them cards), never asking about me when I had a stroke and had to be resusitated 7 times. To them I never really existed. I'm 3 years older than one sister and 10 years older than the other.
I'll wait and try again to contact my family. It is hard to be orphaned and let down by the survivors. It was only one sister who took care of my mother, and that was for 2 days. I spent the last two months (November and December) taking care of my mom, along with my daughter. It was the first time we were all together for a long time. This was before my mother's final diagnosis. They ignored my daughter and me, but I was most hurt by them acting if my little girl didn't exist. I had to come back to Ireland to put my daughter back in school. I was only gone a week before I was going back to take care of my mom.
Again, thanks for your comments and I'll take your advice.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Hello,
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It's hard to say goodbye to your last parent, regardless of the relationship that you have with them while you were together. It does feel a bit like being orphaned, all of a sudden, you are the adult and your parents have gone on.
Unfortunately, the scenario that you described is all too common. We all think that we'll all come together, but emotions are running high and a lot of hidden resentments come out during these times. Your sister has probably been doing the lion's share of the practical things, and as such, probably felt like she had a handle on it all. There wasn't much point of her bringing up your father and how you both felt about him, but that does happen when emotions are running high. I don't think that you were inappropriate to bring up contacting your step-sister, that's what most people do at funerals, contact family members.
I think that you did the right thing by leaving if you couldn't get along with your siblings. It's too bad that your husband had not been with you to offer YOU some support during all of this, perhaps he could have helped mediate between you, but that's a moot point now. Your siblings might have seemed a bit too concerned about wills and selling the house, but unfortunately, that's a part of what has to be done when a person passes. Unfortunately, the job has fallen to them as they are nearby. You should also consider that a lot of people go on auto-pilot and just keep busy as a way to cope in the early stages of grief. You did the right thing by apologizing and standing up for yourself about your own feelings, however. I can't say to you that I would have handled anything any differently than you did during all of this, I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I lost my Dad 4 months ago, and it was a mess in my family too, so I have given up trying to sort it out and feel rather orphaned.
I'm glad that you honored your Mother in the way that you wished to, lifting her up in prayer. I would continue doing things for yourself and in her memory that help you work through your grief. I would consider asking for your half-sister's address and send her a note, telling her of your Mother's passing. Perhaps you can keep in touch with her through correspondence. Send your siblings notes and cards every once in a while. All you can do is reach out. Even if they don't write back, you will have reached out and done the right thing. You have a husband who cares for you, concentrate on your own little family together. Again, my deepest condolences. So sorry about your Mother, Dear.
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Unfortunately I have known one too many families that fight over monies left by their mothers and fathers. I have even known people who talk about what they will or will not inherit once their parents are deceased. These are very difficult situations, but it is the effect of capitalism and putting money before feelings.
On one hand, maybe your sisters were just trying to be rational and they just wanted to do everything there was to be done for your mother to be buried and for her belongings to be disposed of. They had time to say their goodbyes to her and they might feel comfortable because she is not suffering anymore. Because they were at her side and caring for her all of this time, they might be a little uncomfortable when you come from the other side of the world and try to give suggestions on matters they might have already discussed. The thing is, no one did the wrong things on purpose. Even if they said some harsh things, they probably had to do with them also mourning your mom.
Now, on top of all of this, you bringing up difficult situations with your dad kinda upsets the whole situation a bit more. You are entitled to feel as you wish, but in such a difficult situation of your mothers passing, bringing this up could be the drop that filled the cup. You know what I mean? Is not that you can not feel as you do, it is just a really difficult time to bring it up. Was this half sister your moms? If she was not your moms daughter, there was no need to call her or bring her into the conversation. If she was, then you were right in bringing it up.
Nevertheless, what is done, is done. No regretting or what could have been will work now. I am glad you decided to do the religious services on your own as this will help you mourn your loss. As for your sisters, just give them some time. If they were wrong or you were wrong doesn't really matter. Try to forgive and ask for forgiveness for whatever you might have said or done. When you are at peace, give them a call and try to mend your relationships.
Brothers and sisters should be able to speak. Try to enjoy whatever relationship you can have with them!
Best of lucks.
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