A
female
age
,
*ady118
writes:Currently in a 4 month fwb with a guy who has been divorced twice. We are both in our 50's age wise. I originally agreed to this fwb, because I am in the process of moving to his town (decision to move to that town was made before I met my FWB)and thought it would be nice to have a friend already in my new town. We travel back and forth between the two towns. We go out alone or in one case with his best friend and his girl. (His best friend's girl calls me sometimes just to see how I am doing)When we are out he holds my hand, hugs me, is very protective of me like a boyfriend. He travels to my current location for sex and conversation. We listen to music, talk, eat together. He has revealed the story of his life to me. He answers any question that I ask him although he has few questions for me.I hear from for fwb on a daily basis via telephone call, text and he invites me on video chats. Sometimes he calls me during his breaks at work. He usually responds back right away to a text or call. If not, he apologizes for missing my communication. We discuss all types of subjects, laugh and tease each other a lot.Lately he has been less shy with me, more smiling video chats, he teases more and on one occasion when I didn't respond to his calls, had a fit kept calling, texting and attempting video chats until I responded.Mixed signals, he accuses me of having strong emotional feelings for him, not playing fairly as a friend and tells me I need to slow down. I got tired of the accusations, and told him just because I hug and kiss you doesn't mean I have strong emotional feelings. I stated I am not looking to marry you or tie you down. I mentioned if he should meet someone he wants to have a relationship with that's fine and I will do likewise.I am starting to wonder what benefits I'm getting out of this friendship. I mentioned just be friends without sex, he doesn't want that. I am currently talking to other men who are interested in relationship/dating.Does my fwb have feelings for me or is it just my imagination? Don't want to hurt his feelings, when I find someone I want to be in a relationship or date other than him. What do you think?
View related questions:
at work, best friend, divorce, shy, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 April 2017):
 There aren't any "set in stone" rules for how people do FWB. I have seen people do FWB and act like a married couple and some that act like f-buddies who occasionally text/call just enough so it's not awkward when meeting up for sex.
The thing is OP, ARE you OK with how he treats you? His accusations? He apparent "fear" of getting emotionally invested? He seems to invest a LOT of time and effort into this but for WHAT reason?
Is an FWB really what you want? Are your needs fulfilled?
FWB's are usually (but again there are no rules here) a sort term solution as one of the two people involved develop feelings and want more at some point. It becomes one sided.
As for WHY he spends so much time talking to you? It's because he enjoys it? And maybe to ensure yoy aren't looking elsewhere - at least for now.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 April 2017):
 Maybe. Bit also maybe ( probably ! )not .
FWB is not exact science, it's a mode of human interaction which allows for variations in individual behaviours.
It's a fallacy , therefore, that FBWs MUST just be about
sterile, mechanical encounters for the mere purpose of sexual relief. In fact, that would be best described as fuck buddies, or NSA sex, or whatnot- but not FWB. It's "friends with benefits", not "enemies with benefits"- even in a casual, uncommitted relationship there is, and there should be, abundant space for camaraderie , kindness and benevolence.
At the end of the day , though, - things tend to be quite simple, and simply readable. Whatever feelings of affection, appreciation, etc. he may have for you ( which are not inconsistent with an FWB ) they must be not very strong and not very deep.
Because if he really had feelings- you would be in a regular relationship. It does mean something that you are good enough for sharing good times , but not as girlfriend material.
FWBs means " great gal- or great guy- BUT...." There's always a "but", if two people like each other, and still either one puts a block on the chance of a more intimate and more official connection.
Therefore , personally I would not read too much into what he says and does, unless he offers exclusivity and committment. He might very well be trying to keep tabs on you, or to make sure that you don't go around having fun with other men... but that 's typical dog-in-the-manger syndrome. It happens very often that in a physical relationship, one partner wants to stay an uncommitted free agent, while hoping / expecting / demanding the other partner to stay, instead, monogamous. That's simply human nature- we don't like to share :). But we still like to keep our options open.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lady118 +, writes (14 April 2017):
Lady118 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses.This is a strange situation. My so-called FWB has asked for the day off on Saturday, so he can come to my town to see me.It's interesting, I receive a text every morning, if I don't respond, I receive another text or a call during his work break.When he doesn't hear from me, he calls, texts, attempts a video chat. It seems he has to make contact with me or else he becomes concerned. Sometimes, I feel he is trying to keep track of me. He always wants to know what I am doing each day. If I call him, and he doesn't respond the same day he apologies for missing my call. He always informs me of his whereabouts: out with the fellas, running errands, doing laundry, and even calls me while out doing these things. This is my first FWB...I don't know what's going on. I believe he has feelings for me. What do you think?He has even given me a nickname "Catwoman" or "Pussycat".Are FWB's supposed to do these things?
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 April 2017):
Well, if he °accused ° you of having strong emotional feelings for him, ( as in : it's wrong , it's something you should not do ), and accused you of not playing fairly as a friend ( which I am not sure what it means exactly, anyway something that you should not do as the FRIEND you are supposed to be ) and told you that you need to slow down, I would not say that the signals are very mixed, they are more on the very clear side :
He is telling you- don't get any ideas. I am not your boyfriend, so don't treat me, or think of me, as one.
He is someone who obviously enjoys your conversations, your companionship, your intimacy, - someone who likes you as a person , not just as a sexual option BUT , he does not want that your mutual ease and camaraderie may turn romantic. Romantic is not even on the menu, so what he is saying is, do not get sentimental on me.
Actually, I'd say you are living the REAL FWB, the way FWB , in theory , is meant : two people that get each other and want to share good times , in bed and out , yet without exclusivity or committment to a shared future.
Then, for some reason , FWB has come to mean for many people , a fuck buddy, or a meaningless sex romp.
But it does not HAVE to be this way, and FWBs are not forbidden by law to show each other apptreciation and kindness, like this guy is doing.
You wonder where are the benefits for you ? It depends from your wishes and expectations. And it depends whom you ask to. I think that many women in your age bracket or older, with children out of equation because either they never had them, or they did and are now done with raising a family, would quite envy you. You get to do all the fun stuff : dates, sex, laughter, companionship- without the boring or unpleasant one. You do not have to share your living space or your valuable assets or hard earned savings with a man. You are neither morally nor legally responsible for whatever fix he may be in or whatever assistence he may need. You do not have to deal , if you don't choose to, with demanding in laws or problematic stepkids. You keep things going until things are simple, easy and pleasant , and as soon as they aren't anymore, you part ways and que sera sera.
It would be ideal for some people .
And of course, far from ideal , in fact fristrating, for others.
There's no right and wrong, you just need to be true to yourself and choose what makes YOU happy.
If you crave committment and stability, if you love domesticity and actually would prefer to live with a partner, if you don't do too well just being in the moment and not knowing what may come next gives you a lot of anxiety, if you want to get married again or find someone to get old with, if you want to fall in love again, if being together without a passionate romance feels empty to you- then I guess that you are not cut out for FWBs and / or for this particular guy, and perhaps you should let him go before it gets too difficult for you and YOU get your feelings hurt.
As for HIS feelings, he is a mature, experienced man who embarked voluntarily in an FWB, ( and who , apparently, intends to keep it FWBish ) - he knows how these things work, he knows the drill , and if he should lose you to another man , he'll regret it, sure, but - I think he can handle it allright.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2017):
I think this FWB has run its course. He has told you EXACTLY what he wants from you (sex and company but on HIS terms) and that he suspect you are getting attached thus he is pushing you away with his attitude.
He doesn't want friendship from you. He wants YOU to provide the "GF experience" but otherwise not make waves. So wish him well and get on with your life.
One thing though, I think he LIKES the idea that YOU are falling for him even if he doesn't WANT to be with you. So, all in all, he is full of self-serving motives.
You won't hurt his feelings by ending it. He is a grown man and will find a replacement soon enough.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2017): Why are you holding hands , going out with his friends and talking everyday on the phone that relationship stuff if you dont want a relationship stop doing relationship stuff have a serious talk to him and back away fbw is just a term for hooking up for a shag maybe a meal before to be polite he clearly likes you alot if you dont like him the same be kind and back off .. If you think you need to kno how much he likes you ..tell him your off on a date and see his reaction... Be kind good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 We can't tell you, but he's definitely sending mixed signals, whether he means to or not.
You have to sit with him over coffee, a non-romantic and non-sexual setting, and tell him you need to know if he wants to date you or not. If he doesn't want to date you, then you need to tell him your FWB is over because you're looking for a relationship. Don't let him backtrack and offer a relationship, when he's already said that's not what he wants.
If you want to start looking for a relationship, it would help to be unattached sexually too, as a lot of people are uncomfortable with starting a relationship with someone who was having sex with someone else a few days prior.
Good luck with dating!
...............................
|
