A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I found out through old messages that my bf slept with a married woman before. It bothers me because I believe marriage is sacred. Also I never would have thought that my bf would do something like that. But in the messages he told his friend that it was his idea. It bothers me because I would never try to get involved with someone taken. Also it kinda says a lot if he was willing to be the other man then he could easily cheat on me. Should I talk to him about this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2017): I would be concerned about that too. To me it would show your boyfriend has no boundaries.It also shows what kind of character he has.My husband told me he had opportunities to sleep with married women when he was a young guy and before he met me. He said NO to every one of them because he felt it was wrong. And he did not want to go there. Period. And that is exactly why I trust my husband.Past actions mean something. It may not mean he might cross the line again. But it does certainly show he is capable of doing so under the right circumstances. I think this doubt about him will continue to nag at you... and I do not blame you.It is up to you to determine if this is something you can lay to rest or is it something that will constantly haunt you and in time cause rifts in your relationship, which will eventually cause it to fail.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 You should speak to him about it and let him know how it makes you feel. However just because he slept with a married woman doesn't mean he is a cheater. Although I do agree that he obviously didn't care about her marriage or husband.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 April 2017):
 Actually.... As hard as it may be, I think you need to follow your gut instinct about this one. You are absolutely correct, this speaks of his moral standing and of what he is capable of doing. He does not value marriage or hold it sacred. Nor does he value relationships and not cheating.
Will he cheat on you? I don't know, but he is more than likely to do it and not feel bad about it.
It is a difference in moral and in values. This is a deal breaker difference. But I know it will be very difficult to leave him because of this, because by now you already care about him. But eventually, this will be one of many things that will pile up, and will result in you leaving him one day or the other. Whether that day will be after he cheats on you, or before, who knows. He might never cheat on you. But if you and him marry, can you honestly say you would feel 100% secure in the marriage and in him?
This reminds me of my ex boyfriend. When we had been together for around 8-9 months, I remember we were laying in bed and talking. The topic of cheating came up in conversation, and I said it was a deal breaker and I would end the relationship right away. But he, on the other hand, said that he didn't see it so black and white, and that he felt there were some times causes for cheating that made it not so bad etc etc etc. I didn't agree at all, but we decided we were just of a different opinion and left it be. It still played on the back of my mind, but I thought to myself at least now he knew how I felt about it, so would know not to attempt cheating and thinking I'd take him back if he did. Or who knows, maybe he had a friend who cheated and thus needed to alter his own moral sense in order to still be friends.
Bottom line is, after we ended our relationship, he started an affair with a woman with kids and who still lived together with the father of the children (not married, but still). They carried on for at least half a year before the woman told her boyfriend and that relationship ended. So he played his part in breaking up a family. I was shocked, at first. But then I remembered our conversation... And I realized that I should have taken it more seriously when he said those words, when he said he didn't see cheating as such a terrible act. And I instantly went and got myself tested for STI's... Luckily I am healthy, but do I trust that he was faithful to me? Not really, no.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (10 April 2017):
 If you were snooping, then you have only yourself to blame for the worry and unrest you have caused yourself.
Did he REALLY have an affair with this woman, or was he just bragging to his friend? You have no way of knowing without asking him. Even then he may not necessarily tell you the truth.
Obviously you want to share your life with someone who has similar values to you but, even if what he told his mate is true, HE was not the married one. He did not force the married woman to have an affair; that was HER choice.
Now that you have found out this information, I don't think you will have any peace of mind until you find out the full details. Then you can make your decision on whether you want to stay with your boyfriend or not.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2017):
 I understand your dilemma to be honest as it shows a LACK of conscience and/or morals to not only sleep with a married person but to initiate and pursue it.
The thing is, you REALLY don't know the whole story. He might EASILY have embellished the whole event to his friend to make himself look more... studly or what not.
While I don't believe you should have snooped in his private conversations, you did and now you feel you need answers. Answers WE can't give you. So TALK to him.
If I were him though, I would be upset that you CHOSE to snoop.
Also, YOU might believe marriage is "sacred" he might not. At least not other people's marriage... He isn't you.
He can't trust you and you feel you can't trust him, either figure a way to talk it through and work through it or let it go or let HIM go.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 April 2017):
 There is a difference between sleeping with a married person and *being* the married person. As long as he was single at the time, anyway.
Don't get me wrong; it's very frustrating when people cheat and I wouldn't trust them, unless it was long in the past, but he's young enough that this would have been fairly recently.
That said, you know him and you have to either trust him or break up because there's no middle ground. If you don't trust him, you could ask him to go to therapy with you to talk it out and hopefully feel reassured.
Out of curiosity, how do you know what his messages said? If you snooped on his phone/computer, you can't be trusted either.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (10 April 2017):
 Your curiosity has opened a Pandora's box. You either have to trust that he will be true to you or else be haunted throughout your time together with the suspicion that he will cheat on you. It's your call.
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