A
male
age
41-50,
*ickT2012
writes:Between 2006 to 2009, I was dating this amazing and wonderful girl, due to the long distance of our relationship, she suggested we take a break from our relationship to finish our education, I was so hurt but I agreed. During this period, an old childhood friend of mine who had always wanted to be with me came to visit me, I don't know how to rationalize my decision but I decided to marry her and we were married within 4 months, my old girlfriend kept begging me not to do it, but I stupidly did.I worked away from my wife after we got married, as much as I absolutely do not love her, I have tried to see the best in her and make it work but our differences became clearer when we started living together, I just couldn't take it anymore, so I reached out to my former love to meet up again, we met and I finally felt like I was my real self again and promised I would do everything to be with her.Here's my problem: My wife is 6 months pregnant now and as much as I don't want to stay with her, I do not want to be an absentee Dad to this baby or make him think his father abandoned him at birth. If I stay, then I lose my one true love. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I feel so sorry for your wife. This should be such a special time in her life expecting a baby, instead she has a husband who is cheating and wants to leave her. You said you made a mistake, looks like you continue to make them and your wife and baby will be one who pays for it.
The grass isn't always greener. You never tried to make your marriage work and you used your wife as a rebound, and probably to hurt your girlfriend. So your going to leave the woman who loves you and your child for a woman who dumped you years ago. You don't know this yet, but the love of your life is going to be that little boy or girl.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I can't say it better then Auntie YouWish.
I feel sorry for your poor wife. She must feel like a TOTAL moron for having married a guy who didn't give a flying fart about her. Well, he obviously liked to have SEX with her and CREATE a child.
Have you no common sense? WHY WHY WHY not use birth control til you were BOTH sure that a baby was the right thing to do?
My advice, divorce your wife. SHE deserves better. She deserves a man who loves her, not just USE her as a bed-warmer while the husband is pining over an ex.
As for the baby? She/He deserves better. ANYONE can father a child, being a REAL dad is a whole other matter.
HELP your wife find a place she can afford, if she isn't working then I would suggest she finds a way to become independent of you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): vows vows vows! It is all about vows even if the relationship doesnt work, people prefer to keep the vows even there is no love and no quality to their relationship. Just be there because you signed the paper! The fact is you live with your partner and sometimes it just doesnt work not every one has a chance to live together before marriage. In your case you did a wrong thing because when you know you dont have a feeling for your wife you shouldnt have a child with her, that was your bigest mistake! but forcing yourself to stay in this marriage is also wrong, so please get divorce but be there for your child and support your soon to be ex wife and be with the one that you love. If you don't you will leave one day few years later I have seen that alot that people have stayed in a relationship just for vows!!! and many years later they have left while they have ruined their best years of their life and their partners life as well. good luck
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I all is in this I feel, I want, I need... Me, me,, me what about how your wife feels! What about the fact she is pregnant and naturally going to be going through all sorts of emotions, what about how your child will feel, just a heads up once you have kids u can't think about yourself anymore! what about stop being so selfish and remember the promise u made your wife! Relationships take time and work, now your childhood sweet heart has came back into your life, the same women u say dumped you, and the same women who knows your married now and your wife is pregnant but has no morals AT AlL that's your idea of the perfect women? If she will cheat with you, she will cheat on you, remember that! You would choose that over a women who has given u a home, marriage and now a child! You need to grow up and stop thinking about yourself, sorry to sound harsh but someone has to shake you, or I suggest you get a good lawyer because if u go through with this your wife will prob take you to the cleaners, she has a kid to provide for now, hasn't she? and you would deserve it,
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I would generally say stay in the marriage and make it work. But you clearly have already left this marriage. You told your wife you don't love her and you clearly have taken steps towards an exit. Be kind to your wife and continue to finance her as it will be a major challenge even when the baby comes. I am sure its worth giving her something after what you have done. Your wife deserves to be with someone that can love her and respect and that can only happen if you set her free. I hope the ex you are going after is worth it and its not a question of the grass looks greener but there is more manure.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 April 2014):
 So you promised your ex that you would do everything to be with her? And what about the promise that you made to your wife when you exchanged vows? And what about the promise that you have already made to your unborn child, the promise that was made the very second the baby was conceived? All conveniently out of the window?
It seems to me OP that you are still a teenager trapped in a man's body. You do things without even thinking of the consequences of your actions, you got married on a whim, you got your wife pregnant even though you "absolutely do not love her", now you're having an affair with your ex, who somehow chooses to ignore all your childishness and immaturity and is still willing to be you.
Your life is one big mess and you are solely responsible for it.
If you want to set things right, then for heaven's sake start acting like a grown-up and take a stand and some tough decisions and stop making promises rashly. As of now, you owe your presence, your support and your love to your wife whom YOU got pregnant, so man up and be there for her. Much as you dislike your wife, you have legally married her and you cannot just abandon her just because you suddenly decide your mistress means more to you. Your unborn child should be your utmost priority now; not your mistress, not your whims, not anything else. Once the child is born, you can see if you can work things out with your wife. If you feel that you still cant, then you need to take decisions keeping the child in mind.
Whatever you do, DO NOT continue seeing your mistress. I'm surprised she doesn't know better than to choose to be with you but that's her choice. Maybe she has nothing to lose but you, OP, have everything to lose.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 April 2014):
 I saw something glaringly obvious here:
You were all into this ex who dumped you because she was a long distance relationship.
You married this childhood girl because she salved your ego and you wanted to make your ex jealous. When your ex didn't bite, but merely asked you not to pursue her, you married this woman to spite your ex.
You basically destroyed your wife who never did anything wrong and is pregnant by cheating on her because your ex doesn't represent real life in its struggles and joys.
You're not in a pickle, you *are* the pickle.
Let's say you get what you want - you divorce your wife and get back with your ex you cheated on your wife with. Now, you have to start facing real life with your ex, and all of a sudden, it's not this idealistic fantasy anymore, but just as much work as it is with your wife.
What matters now is your son or daughter. You're in your 30's and teenagers have more sense than you do. You've never had to grow up and face the real world, so let me tell you straight up -
Do NOT let your child down. You can flake out on every woman who has ever had the misfortune of feeling something for you, but for the child whose life depends on you, you need to become a man and be a father. There *is* no "I should never have had you" when it comes to him.
As for these two women, I think the one who will come out of this the best is your wife. She will find a guy who loves her and can stick with her. As for your ex, I wouldn't be surprised if you ran to greener pastures within 6 months time of getting back with her.
Will you take until your 40's, 50's, or later until you actually see the world as it is?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2014):
 Hello? Counseling?
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A
male
reader, MickT2012 +, writes (4 April 2014):
MickT2012 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Guys,Thanks to everyone who has responded so far, I really appreciate your answers and I am taking notes accordingly. To answer some of the points so far:1. As regards my ex, we dated long enough for us to visit her parents home and spend 3 weeks with them, they gave me their blessing and said they would consent if I asked their daughter's hand in marriage, so it wasn't just some childhood fantasy, we reason the same on every level, it is simply amazing.2. Regarding my wife, I cannot really give a good reason why I married her, she is a good woman with a good heart, simply not the one for me, I know she loves me, but we're 2 very different people with very little in common, coming home from work is really not something I look forward to because we have absolutely no shared interests and no chemistry.3. I have spoken to my wife and discussed the fact that I made a mistake with her, I have apologized for the hurt I've caused but not mentioned the ex issue. I told her I would support her till the baby was here, I wasn't just going to abandon her, but she has no family around so wouldn't have a helper when the baby arrives, makes it even harder for me to walk away. I'm not that heartless.4. Wife knows I'm not happy but is not prepared for a divorce, she wants to keep to her vows, she said I could leave if I want, but I know she's just saying those words and doesn't mean them..Yes, a real pickle I'm in.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I agree with TasteofIndia... I also think you need to talk to you wife. She and your baby are your main priority- whether you like it or not. Your wife maybe just as unhappy. But honestly I dont think you are really in love with your ex... I question if you even know her that well. You knowcyour wife. You have differences... but there has to be a reason you married her in the first place. What made you decide to marry her? You must have loved her at some point if you made her your wife... you need to find a way to rekindle those feelings. Right now you are being selfish. You NEED yo be here for your wife and don FIRST. If your ex loves you as much as you say she does, she will wait until you talk things out with your wife and figure it out. That said marriage is a serious commitment... if she doesnt want to try, fine, but you need to give your wife the option. Marriage counseling works wonders. You will learn to understand each other and it will bring you closer. You borh took vows for better or worse, until death do you part... those are SERIOUS vows, thats a commitment you BOTH made in front of god. So you owe it to each other and to your son to at least talk to each other and try.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): If you aren't happy in your marriage, you don't reach out to an old flame, you reach out to your wife. Respect her enough to not cheat on her until you decide to separate.
I don't know if your wife knows that you don't love her and want to leave, but she doesn't need the added stress of finding out now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 April 2014):
The way I would think about this situation is how you would explain yourself, standing in front of a group of people, or better yet, explaining yourself to your child when that child is an adult and mature enough to look at you through experienced eyes.
What would you say if you gave up working on the marriage? "I rashly married your mother then I got her pregnant while I was starting an affair with the woman who dumped me several years ago. So then I dumped your mother while she was pregnant with you without trying to work it out." Gosh, how does that sound to that adult child? That Dad didn't have a whole lot of thinking going on? That Dad was led around by his penis and his fantasies? That Dad never really got it together and kept on making rash decisions?
What would you say if you actually tried to save the marriage? "I rashly married your mother, got her pregnant and then started an affair with the woman who dumped me several years ago. I was deeply conflicted, realized that I kept making stupid mistakes and decided it was time to man up and go figure out why I keep making absolutely idiotic and devastating life choices. I feel very sorry for hurting your mother so much while she was pregnant with you. I went to individual counseling and got us into marriage counseling and did my best to support her while she went through the pregnancy and delivery of the child we had created together. Things turned to be….." [that's the future that still has to be written, after you figure out what is best for you, your wife, your child and your affair partner.
Which one sounds like a grown-up, adult type of approach? Which one sounds more like you are flying by the seat of your pants and didn't really ever get your sh*t together?
Right now, I see your priorities in this order: your child, your wife, your affair, you. You said vows. You made promises. You either do your damnedest to work on them and solve them, or you do your damnedest to work on them and decide, with professional help, that they are not solvable and it's time to move on.
You do NOT leave your wife at this point in time because you are engaged in a full on affair. The affair can wait until after you have sorted through this like the grown up you are supposed to be.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Oh geez.
You've got yourself into a real pickle.
I really wish you had seen this coming and not gotten your wife pregnant. I wish you had been thinking with your head and not married her in the first place. But, here we are.
I assume that you are not the only one unhappy in this marriage. If you don't connect, you don't love her - she must feel that. How does she feel towards you? Maybe she's praying for you to just say, "I desperately want to be part of our baby's life. But I'm just not happy. If we were to separate, would I still be able to see him?" Maybe a separation or a divorce would be a great relief to her. Could you elaborate on how you think she's feeling about all of this?
Listen, to stay with someone you don't love for the kid, that won't in fact be the best thing for the baby. The baby needs two happy parents, and you won't be happy if you're together.
As for your childhood sweetheart, are you positive that she feels this way about you too? If she doesn't, would you have rather just stayed with your wife and found love with her?
I'm not sure what to tell you. Leaving your wife to go through the last trimester of pregnancy alone, that's just cruel. But, to stay with someone you don't love at all - that's cruel too.
A pickle. You're in a real pickle.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 April 2014):
How much in person time did you spend with your old girlfriend? Enough to know if she's really your ”one true love", or enough to fall in live without really getting to know her?
Whatever you decide, you can still be a good father.
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