A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hey I've had bad breakup almost 5 to 6 months ago. I barely survived the first month of the breakup as my health got really bad and I was spending my nights in the hospital. We didn't get in touch and there was no asking about each other or anything, I was shocked as I thought this was the love of my life. The shock wasn't just it, losing my best friend was worst part. The cruelty and everything said to me was terrible, never expected from once loving partner of mine. The person whom I choose to give up many things for. The relationship was long distance relationship but it was my first everything, and I thought it would be last. Apologies came up and mere regret for what was said, I accepted adding each other on social media and everything.A month ago I was asked and I said yes to being in relationship with other person, this relationship still not being announced to anyone.Last night, I cried over my ex, my best friend that I lost. I don't quite know the feelings I'm having, but I don't think it's love, I miss the days we had and the made memories, the fact it took 2 years of my life growing up. Why does it still hurt when I'm already in relationship? Can I gain my friend back? Should I anyway? I don't feel the connection and amount of love I felt with my ex. Is it too soon to start judging? I'm sure it's not rebound because I love this other person but I don't think our relationship have quite developed to best friends/lovers or anything of that manner yet. I want this relationship to last, how can I do that? I simply hate how my ex apologised so we won't be strangers, yet I don't feel like I have my friend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): The problem is you're comparing two different relationships; and you're not really over the first one.
IT IS TOTALLY REBOUND!!! I beg to differ with your comments; if you claim it's not as fulfilling. Someone close, as opposed to some voice in the distance, a face on a screen; or some message on your phone?
Seriously?!!
You searched for a replacement to put a bandage over your broken-heart. You also put far too much of yourself into a relationship strained by distance. When you're in a long-distance relationship, you have to compensate for their absence. So you fill-in all the empty space with fantasies about your lover you've created in your mind. You create the perfect dream-like situation; so you can cope though the loneliness. There is no way to exchange real affection, without the help of a device to artificially connect you. Now you have to get used to the real thing.
It's harder, because it's more demanding on real emotions in real-time. The closeness is frightening, and it was easier when you could make-believe it was all perfect. He was all perfect; because his imperfections weren't there to see. The guy you have now is human and alive, not your dream-creation of a guy; but reality in the flesh. He can see your imperfections. You long for the other situation, when the man wasn't really there? It's not the other guy you miss, it's the dreamlike relationship you had.
Focus on the one who is in your life now. Repeat positive affirmations out-loud, over and over. "It's over, and I'm moving on!" If you've still got another guy in your head, it isn't true you are happy; nor are you really there for the person you've stolen precious time from. It's not fair to him that you're still ruminating and grieving over somebody else; while pretending your heart is for him. Maybe he's just there to babysit you through your loneliness; while you pine-away for somebody else?
You say one thing, but you're doing another. You are lying to the man who is risking his heart for you. Talking nonsense about gaining someone back; that you should let go of, so you can nurture what you have found.
Take one,or the other.
Let the man go that is trying to care for you, and go back to the make-believe relationship you spent so much of your time trying to create and maintain. You will not be happy.
Long-distance relationships are nothing but make-believe if they don't end with you actually being together, in-person, and sharing your life and space together as a committed couple. They are only supposed to be temporary conditions culminating in something real and tangible. The goal is, to close that distance and be together. That didn't happen. So let it go, and forget about that other guy. Yes, you can do it. You just haven't given yourself enough time.
Fight the feelings, suppress the thoughts, and force yourself to accept what you've got by giving-up the past. Be grateful someone else cares for you; and is giving you his precious time and his heart. Do that, or set him free.
Visiting each other like old-friends, isn't like what you have now. Someone to hold you, touch you, give you affection. You can feel his heartbeat against yours, hold his hand, and look lovingly into his eyes. Yet, you want that pretense of a relationship conducted long-distance and connected by digital devices. Living on the hope to see him someday; when you've got someone you can see anytime you want, right now.
Take some time away with your new lover. Go away together to strengthen your bond. Even if it's just a short romantic weekend. It doesn't have to be some expensive vacation. Just a nice quiet setting, with nice scenery. So your mind will be on someone other than someone you should have been over; before you committed to someone else. You need some healthy romantic-distraction.
You have to convince yourself you've got something better now. If you can't, give it up!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2015): It's interesting. I wonder if we all feel the same...This part:"We didn't get in touch and there was no asking about each other or anything, I was shocked as I thought this was the love of my life.The shock wasn't just it, losing my best friend was worst part. The cruelty and everything said to me was terrible, never expected from once loving partner of mine.The person whom I choose to give up many things for. The relationship was long distance relationship but it was my first everything, and I thought it would be last."It happened to me. But not after only 2 years. After much longer.You feel you "lost" 2 years? Well,I lost a lot more. You feeling like you lost a best friend? Yes,so did I. A person I thought I could trust in anything and forever even if our ways parted.I think (personally) you should NOT have accepted him back on social media etc.You don't have your friend back? You may never do. That is what I learned. For him, being so good to me lasted ONLY whilst we were together. As in maybe being good to me and other things (um-um) were linked in his head/heart? Not so in mine.Once that was OVER, a LOT of very CRUEL things were said to me too. Things that still jar... Because of those, I think I could never truly take him back (as a BEST friend I mean), but like you that would have been my ideal situation. And I really do miss that part of our relationship very much.BUT it is irretrievably LOST and hanging on to it did me more damage than you can ever imagine. LET GO.Find/make a best friend who is a girl.I just did not (and do not) understand why he had to create drama to sever ties. It could have been simply done by a grown-up,adult conversation and we could have continued being friends.You say you want this relationship to last yet you have not announced it to anyone?? WHY?It does NOT seem to me that you WANT a relationship with this guy. You were just asked, so you said "yes" in trying to move on, but you were not "in love" with him. Then you say: "I don't think our relationship have quite developed to best friends/lovers or anything of that manner yet."YES, true, BUT were you best friends/confidantes with your ex in the beginning? That kinda of TRUST needs to be built. And building it takes TIME.In my honest opinion, I don't think that what you are doing it's wise. Not because there is anything wrong with that guy, BUT because I think you need YOU, not him.I.e. I think you need to take the time to find yourself.Jumping from one relationship into another is NOT helpful and will NOT help you figure out what YOU want.It sounds like you are trying to mould yourself to fit into HIS personality to "make it work". Please don't.1) GET rid of any associations with your ex and ask him to respect that. For at least 3 months. If you wish,say you would like to be friends but with new relationship etc, that's difficult at the moment and you're finding your feet etc. That's an excuse of course, but plausible enough. 2) Current relationship-see if your heart is in it. If not-set him free. 3) Go find out WHAT it is YOU want from YOUR life. 4) then, if NO feelings remain for ex, then try and re-kindle the friendship. Be careful that he does NOT become toxic to you though.I wish you luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 April 2015):
 If you ask me, you're certainty not ready for a new relationship because you are in NO way over the ex.
Give yourself time. Heal. Develop a hobby. Go out and meet friends and stay in and watch re-runs of Modern Family. Do anything but date someone new because as of now, that's the last thing you need.
You allowed your ex to have a very strong hold over you and you cant even bear to think of a life without him. You cant go from being in a hospital after a break-up to being with someone else in just 5 months. Time is most definitely a factor because it takes time to heal and recover and 5 months is not enough, and especially not for you because you still seem very raw and hurting from the pain.
You don't love the other person. You are still hung up on the ex. Maybe you want to love the new guy but as of now you don't. You say that you're not best friends/lovers "or anything of that manner yet". So what are you then? And how can you say that you love him when you're neither friends nor lovers?
OP you don't feel that love or connection with the new guy because that love and connection is still with the ex. As long as its there, the new guy will always just be a person who you wish you could have feelings for but which just cant seem to develop. As long as you hold on to your past, there can be no present or future.
You shouldnt even try to be friends with your ex at this point of time. The goal is for you to move on, not to stagnate, and if you try to be friends with him, that's exactly what will happen.
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