A
female
age
41-50,
*olandarose78
writes:I spent 6 months studying in the UK January to July. I met this guy soon after I arrived (also Australian but settled in UK). I’m 33 and he’s 41. We were together for 4 mths and during this time he was very serious and wanted to commit, however as I was only in the UK temporarily, I was unsure (because of past hurt, I’m also very scared of commitment)About 2 months into our relationship, I asked for space and time however he was unable to give me this. We both weakened, he kept contacting me, and I kept opening my door to him as we had this connection, then would feel smothered, and push him away and so the cycle continued. Just before coming back to OZ, we spent an incredible 2 weeks together. My last week in the UK, he said he wanted to give up his life and follow me to Australia, I freaked me out and felt overwhelmed and I pushed him away again. While back in Australia, I had the time and space I needed to think about ‘us’. And also to think about what it is I want in life. We spoke regularly, and I knew he was coming out to Australia in December to see his family. In September I sent him an email saying how much I missed him, trying in my awkward way to tell him that I was ready to commit. He replied and said that he thought about me every day and that he missed me. We spoke on the phone and agreed that we’d spend some time together when he is in Australia and take it from there. So over the last couple of months (Oct/Nov) I felt so ready to commit to him, and so ready to settle down, I even started to plan our whole life together, I wanted desperately to move back to the village in the UK where we met, but my biggest mistake was I never told him any of this. During this time he met someone else and I just found out about it last week. I freaked out and told him how I felt, and he said that he was so sorry that he hurt me, that he didn’t realise I felt like this and he was confused. He’s back in Australia for Christmas and the other night went out to dinner to talk about what's happened. I asked him if it was serious, and he said “yes it is, but I’m not sure about it… she is serious, but I’m not sure how long it will last, I don’t know”. I said that I wanted to be with him and he said that he has made a commitment to her, even though he’s unsure about where that relationship will go with her and so he doesn’t want to hurt her. I respect that. But I love him and I felt that I’ve lost a great guy. She is 40. She is very threatened by me, and she is insecure, (he told me this) and he said that she didn’t want him to see me when he was here in Australia. She made him promise that he wouldn’t hurt her. She is unable to have children. I want children with him. I asked him the other night if he wanted children, he said yes, and looked quite sad. So we saw each other on last Thursday night, and I wrote him a letter which I gave to him at the end of the night basically saying that I’m sorry for not being able to commit to him earlier, explaining why that was (due to my past), saying that I had imagined a life with him, but I understand that it’s now over, and that I wish him well. It was basically a good-bye letter. The next day, on Friday I tried to contact him and he didn’t responded to my two messages, I realise now that I need to STOP contacting him. I know that she is in the UK, and I’m here. So for him it’s easier for him to choose her. And who knows, maybe he's falling in love with her but just didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying so. He did tell me over dinner, that the feelings he had for me were much stronger than they are for her. So I don’t know if that means that I still have a chance, or maybe he’s just letting me down gently. For study reasons, I plan to move back there in 18 months (although I haven’t told him this and not sure if I should tell him?). He wanted to stay friends and in touch, but I said that I couldn’t do that because it’s too hard, and because I want to be with him. I’m not sure if that was the right thing, because deep down I do want to stay in touch with him. I just wonder if I should wait out their relationship? I know I stuffed up because I waited too long, but wonder if there is still some hope.
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female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (25 December 2011):
 I think you've done too much damage to this relationship. I think he did love you, and you pushed him away too many times before realizing what you were doing, that it's really not healthy for either of you to get back into.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): I'm sorry but I don't think this man is in love with you. Maybe had you been more real and encouraging with him things may have taken a different course but he honestly sounds like someone who wasn't making you feel safe in the relationship in the first place and that's why you ran away from it. If he wanted to be with you, he would. He's with someone else and it doesn't sound like a new relationship, maybe he was with her longer than you knew or maybe you did know.You'll learn men are typically where they want to be and there are a lot of men out there married, in relationships that dip their toes in both ponds if you permit it, at your expense and well being. There is someone out there who will fall in love with you and be with you, not mess you about like this.
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