A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for things that have happened in the past year, and it's starting to hold me back. With the new year coming up I'm hoping for some suggestions so I can let this all go. At the start of 2011 I was living with and engaged to a man that I loved more than anything. As time went by I started finding out more and more that I didn't like. He lied to me about his marriage (they actually got seperated about 6 months after he told me they did), he lied to me about being able to have kids (told me he could even when he knew he couldn't), and he lied to me about using drugs (he had in the past, told me he stopped but was using cocaine quite frequently). Needless to say we started fighting alot. I lost myself in the relationship, lost some of my friendships because of it, and it has taken awhile to get over it. At the end I still loved him but couldn't take it anymore. I told his mother about the drugs, and I became very emotional and cried alot. I embarrassed myself, but I hurt so deeply because I really loved him. He treated me horribly, taking my keys so I couldn't even go home, verbally abusive, and not supportive at all. But now I can't let go of how I reacted to all this. I know now that I didn't deserve it, but many of our friends don't even speak to me anymore. I told his mother because I was trying to help. And now I feel like I lost him, and all of my old friends. The girls that are still in my life are my true friends, but what about everyone else? I thought they were so close to me, and now some of them won't even speak to me! And won't tell me why! I keep blaming myself its because I was so emotional. The other night I ran into a couple of them at a concert and we talked. It was ok, but definately not the same. But I guess what it boils down to is how do I forgive myself for telling his mother, and being an all around mess? I've gotten my life back together, but sometimes I'll remember how much I cried and how deep my pain was, and I'll be embarrassed. How do you learn to let go completely so I can be fulfilled in my life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2011): Ciar is right OP. The best way to move beyond the past is to have a positive and enriching present. Can't live in the past when you have a great present and bright future so just go about setting up something positive in your life. A hobby, a college course, something good that will you give you focus.
As for friends, they come and go. You will have more friends come into your life that will also leave your life for lots of different reasons. We're not perfect and we can't please everyone so you have to get over that and not let it bother you.
As regards the way you handled your relationship,yeah you were an idiot but name one person in the history of the world who hasn't done something stupid in the name of love. You can't, because no such person exists.
Look in time you'll heal from this, just make sure you learn the lessons from it. Never get with a married man, separated is still married OP, never get involved with them. A divorced man maybe but definitely not a separated one they have too much baggage and are still married. Never date a "former" drug user either unless you yourself used to be one. You see I used to take a lot of drugs socially. I used to be a weekend warrior, it takes a certain kind of person to be able to handle a drug user, former or not.
Just remember OP, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, I had one really bad break up that took me months to get over. I was getting drunk and fighting, kicking random doors to pieces, punched a hole in the wall of my friends apartment and breaking down into fits of crying randomly. I literally fell to pieces for a while. I'm not embarrassed about it because that kind of abnormal behaviour is understandable after such a huge kick in the brain. It really does happen to us all, only a very lucky select few never have to go through it.
You don't need to forgive yourself OP, you didn't do anything wrong. You were a heartbroken woman that fell into despair and desperation and got over it. It happens, it's no big deal and once you've completely moved on from this then you'll be fine, just forget about those friends who got left behind, they're not worthy of friendship anyway.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (25 December 2011):
From what I'm reading here your actions are nothing to be ashamed of. You found out that the man you loved wasn't who he led you to believe he was, not by a long shot. Anyone in that situation would be emotional. If you hadn't been it would have been strange.
Telling his mom about the drugs was a good thing. The fact she couldn't take it is not your fault, nor something you should beat yourself up over.
As for the friends that won't speak to you, those are not real friends nor people that deserve your attention. Your guy probably spun a story about you to get them to side with him, just like he was able to charm his way into your life. Like ciar said, they belong to your old life, that life full of lies, not the new one.
I know this hurts, hurts a lot, but it'll get better. I was once in a situation similar to yours, where I lost a lot of friends and a lot of people didn't want to talk to me. I felt guilty about it too and wanted to make it better, while it wasn't me who was guilty. Making it better therefore won't work because it isn't your fault.
I think the first step to moving forward is to accept that none of this is your fault. It is HIS fault. But he's become so good at living this double life he has projected his mistakes onto you, blamed you for it and actually succeeded in making you look and feel guilty! You can undo some of that by realizing he was wrong and that those 'friends' you lost are probably still stuck in his web of charming lies.
The next girl he will come across will one day leave town with tail between legs as well, feeling just as shitty as you do now. Either that or she'll be in a marriage based on lies. Be happy that this man is not your future anymore!
The bad thing that happen in our lives shape us into the person we are going to be and in your case it has robbed your innocence but hopefully made you a wiser and more aware individual.
So now you're single once again, do those things you wanted to but couldn't while with him. Take on an odd sport, get a new job, have a movie marathon with your real friends, etc. The number of friends is not an indication of happiness. In fact, you just learned who your real friends are and that is always a valuable thing. Many people don't know until much later in life.
I hope that this ramble helps a bit and if you want to talk feel free to send me a PM, I'm a good listener.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 December 2011):
 You learn to let go of one thing by giving yourself something else to grab on to.
You became hung up on the past because you stopped living in the present and for the future. Not the other way round.
Do things that give you pride in yourself. Get in shape, take up a hobby, do volunteer work, learn a new skill, reconnect with distant relatives. You might not feel the effects right away, but you will over time. Fake it until you make it.
It's important to remember that you and your shortcomings are not at the forefront of everyone's thoughts. None of us are that special. Our time in the spotlight is fleeting. The details fade in people's memory with the passage of time.
People come and go from our lives. The fact that some are gone from your inner circle means you don't really need them. They don't fit into your new life the way they did in the old one and that is okay. You'll be fine. Those who do matter are still there and you'll make new friends.
Confident, happy, level headed people are not confident, happy and level headed all of the time. Even the best of us messes up. Your mistakes shape you. They don't define you.
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