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female
,
anonymous
writes: I met my boyfriend on the internet. He lives in India, and I live in the U.S. We have never met, but have communicated for 15 months, and we fell in love. He has been pressuring me relentlessly to marry him, almost from the beginning. It is NOT that he is a green card seeker. It is because he loves me that he wants to marry as soon as possible. However, I have a mother who not just suffers from poor health, but has come close to death many times within the past 2 years, and I am her main health caregiver. I am also having health problems;therefore,I have told him I am not yet ready for marriage, but that I DO love him. He says he cannot wait for me if I do not marry him within a few months, and that I am a "net player who does not love him."Am I wrong to not yet be ready for marriage?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (20 June 2006):
Now first thing I want you to know is that I know what its like to love somoene over the net, so I am not one of those people who don't beleive in it and therefor will be totaly against it.
Let me ask you this: a friined of yours was being pressured by her boyfriend to have sex but she was not ready and her boyfrined used the excuse that 'if you loved me you would have sex with me'...what would you tell her? to dump him? thats what i thought!!! You wooudlnt let your friend be manipulated by a guy who wants to have sex and says its for love, because its not. True love waits. And in this case its exactly the same.
That guy is taking advantage of your deep feelings for him. He knows you care about him and is using that love to make u feel guilty for not 'marrying him straight away because you are a net player'.
If he loves you enough to marry you and spend his ENTIRE life with you then what is waiting so many years going to do? If he is truly commited to spending his life with u like u do when u marry someone then waiting that time shoudlnt be a problem. If he is any decent guy he shouldnt understand how importnat it is that you stay and look after your mother.
A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell  +, writes (11 June 2006):
 Hi,
of course you're not wrong, Don't Get Married! You will find someone better in your own country! Dont' marry him, if he is pressuring you into things like that then what kind of looser is he?
Phoebe
xxx
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A
female
reader, Wendyg +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Well distance is always a hard thing where any relationship is concerned. Just because his culture have arranged marriages meaning in some cases not meeting the person until the day, doesnt mean that you have to carry on this way. Why is he being so demanding in that you marry him without seeing him ? You need to spend time with someone properly to see how you actually get on. Writing emails or chatting online or the odd telephone call, dont tell you anything about a person, you can grasp the basics and indeed fall in love, but you cant really tell if your are really going to get on. Say you took the plunge just got married and then a year down the line cant stand the way he critises people, or the way he cooks, or he has hygiene issues, or he has resentment to you because of his family, or he cant stand the time you want to spend with your family.. Or you argue over he earns more money, or silly little thing, what then ? What is it about in the next couple of months ? why the deadline ? If you love someone you wait for them no matter what until they are ready, he says he cant wait ? Why ? is there something he is not telling you ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): [laughs at the air] Yes, as Anja has put it, if you ahd given us that info in the first place...
Anyway as per my original comment for the A & B options, I'll add a "C". Actually no nevermind.
He seems like he wants everything under his control. If he is indeed very wealthy, he can do this: fly you and your mom over and take care of both of you. HOWEVER, there seems to be a problem here that I can see. Oh wait, I already mentioned it - control.
For some reason, that guy is angering me to be treating you like this. I want to throw papdi chaat in his face for being such a demanding and possibly controlling freak!
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A
female
reader, Anja +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Re: Your note...Well if you gave us the right info in the first place we could have given you the right advice dear eh?? Anyway still sticking to what I said below re: spending time with someone to LOVE them.
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A
female
reader, Anja +, writes (31 May 2006):
DREAAAAMMMM world...WAKE UP and smell the coffee...I agree totally with martini. Yep he wants a free ride to the states...of course he does. How can you fall in love with someone who you've never met? I mean, you might THINK you love him...but in reality you can only really love someone if you have shared TIME together, like not behind a poxy computer screen, mmmmm great basis for a relationship...NOT!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): NO! These things take time and he just has to accept that. You can't just know each other for just over a year and get married!! He is literally forcing you through guilt to go through with this. All i say is get him to fly out to the U.S/U.s.A, have dinner in a restaurant, get to meet eachother, know each other a little better and then decide. Marry him even though you are not sure of what YOU want or Don't and tell him you need some time to sort it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): Hi Hopeful and MartiniI wrote the posted question. My BF and I are both in our forties. He is 5 years younger than me. I know he has no interest in a green card. He wants me to go to India to marry him and has repeatedly asked me to get a visa because he prefers to live over there, not here. I cannot leave my mother to go to India, as ill as she is. I earn below $20,000 a year, so there is nothing to gain monetarily from me. And I trust him. His family has tried to interest him in other women willing to marry him, including some Americans, and he has refused. He gave up his family for me, as they oppose me because they too believe I am "playing" with him. India has arranged marriages that require no dating and happen within less than a year once the families decide whom their son or daughter will marry. To him, 15 months is a long time during which time I have been telling him I am not yet ready. Furthermore, he was married before and has 2 children, so it is not true that he has never found a girlfriend. Of course, I would like to be with him in person before marriage, but it is not so easy for him to get a visa. He is financially very well-off in India, and would have to start all over in the U.S. where it is hard to have a productive business. I am not a "net player," and I don't appreciate being called one. His pressuring me for marriage is having a negative affect on our relationship as we are always arguing. I love and care for him and trust him, but both persons need to be ready for marriage. Yes, he is very, very demanding.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): He is emotionally blackmailing you. Personally I do believe you can fall in love with someone you have never met, but if he did love you he would wait until you were comfortable with the whole marriage thing. I would meet him before committing to anything.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (31 May 2006):
 Why can't he come over and meet you and then decide if marriage is the way to go?
I work for the Australian Government and am involved with Immigration. Like the USA, Australia is a very desirable place to live and as a result, many people try to marry an Australian to get here to live.
I mean, like Australia, the USA is an amazing place filled with money, opportunity, beauty, generous people, good resources etc etc etc and as a result a LOT of people from, especially, nations which don't have such good opportunities desperately want to move to either country.
I see cases like this all the time and unfortunately trusting and nice people are the ones who are taken advantage of.
I think that what you should do is tell him how you feel and that you want to know him better before you decide on a huge step like marriage. That is not unreasonable.
If he is genuine and really cares about you, he will be on a plane for a holiday quick smart because he will want to see you and get to know you better, not demand marriage.
BTW, if he is acting like this now, imagine what he would be like if you actually got married - pretty demanding.
Be careful with this one because as I have said, I see cases like this EVERY day. Yes there are genuine situations but there are also a lot of frauds who will do ANYTHING to get into a great country like the USA or Australia.
Don't let him pressure you! Actually meet him before you agree to marriage.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2006): Okay, I think a wake up call should be in order here... Anyone else disagree? No? Alright, then let me begin.
A) Your boyfriend wants to seek an American to marry and then possibly leech off of you
OR
B) He is extremely lonely and has never had a girlfriend in his entire life, and needs to secure a marriage with you, else he feels you're not serious about him.
I would think more towards option A. First of all you said that you've been corresponding with each other through the net for about 15 months, and from very early on in your friendship, he's been pressuring you to marry him. Why?
Secondly, how do you know he is NOT seeking a green card? Did he tell you? I can tell you the same thing. Come, fall in love with me. I'll tell you that I love you and I am not marrying you for your money, etc. It's SO EASY TO SAY THINGS, but acting on it and following through sincerely is totally a different thing. HOW HAS HE proved that he isn't seeking a green card? Further, if he indeed ISN'T SEEKING a green card, then he must be after something else.
Thirdly, HE KNOWS that you need to take care of your mother and of course, yourself. HE ACCUSES YOU of being a player. I MEAN... HELLO?!?! [bells ringing] DING, DING! His actions not only look suspicious, BUT IF HE IS INDEED IN LOVE WITH YOU, then why would he even accuse you for something like that AND PRESSURING you to do something like that, ESPECIALLY IN SUCH A SUPER SHORT PERIOD OF TIME?!?!
I believe he has to prove himself by actually doing more than yap some crap out, send you the occasional gift, and say "I love you" and "I've been thinking about you the entire day". ANYONE can say that. OMGOSH!
What he should do to prove to you that he indeed loves you, is FIRST, not pressure you into anything. SECOND, show his sincerity by finding a way to you. THIRD, be considerate of what you need to do here. FOURTH, WHAT THE HELL IS HE BASING his desires to marry you on?
Anyway, if you MUST trust him now for whatever reason, then go ahead. Do it. Otherwise, I advise you to be careful around someone who you've never met, AND never had the chance to experience day to day with in person. Without that sort of immediate interation, you will never know IF HE IS INDEED, right for you - this is the VERY BASIC of it.
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