A
female
age
30-35,
*ouisa43
writes:Long story so I'll try to shorten it as much as possible.So I matched with this guy on tinder 10 months ago. We messaged for 18 hours non stop, slept for 3 then started again. It was an incredible instant connection. If I could describe my perfect man it would be him to a T! This went on for 2 weeks and then he asked me out. Which presented a problem, I wasn't on tinder to find/hook up with anyone. I had an account as me and friends would stir people with random convos. So I had old pictures from a few months earlier on there. This presented a problem cause I had gained quite a bit of weight due to an illness(30kg) and looked completely different. So I put off this "date", used every excuse possible. He was really keen and kept asking for about 3 months. It's now 10 months later and he has given up pre much. We still occasionally send a snap pic and still have each other on social media. I've said so many times I'm going to forget about him cause it's been too long etc but I just can't I think about him all the time and I'm pretty sure the feelings mutual. What do I do? I'm the shyest person ever and have never been on a "date", previously engaged but we started as friend so no date as such. I don't think I could find the words to ask him out, and I feel like cause there's so much build up he will be expecting so much, I'm self conscious as it is and it's killing me.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 When I was on a dating site, I didn't post full body pictures (I never take any), but I did put in my bio that "if you're looking for someone slim, I'm not your girl" because I wanted people who wanted me for me, not under the default assumption that I'm X weight/shape/size. I found someone there a year and 8 months ago, met after 2 months and became a couple a month later. We're still together.I'm incredibly self-conscious, particularly about my weight, so I feel your discomfort, but that's why you need to make sure the people you talk to know who you are and what you look like, so that you know their interest in you is genuine, not based on false ideas.Have you lied to him or kept anything else from him about yourself? Does he know you were previously engaged? Does he know about the illness?This is your junction - go left and stop talking to him altogether, so that you can move on, or go right and ask him on a date. Make your decision by Friday night (19th August) and stick to it. Don't prolong it any more and don't have accounts to mess with people; you're old enough to know better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016): What an incredible nice guy to have waited that long to meet you! And he still hasnt. Basically he has been wooing you and has gotten nothing! Not even a date, a laugh in person, or the chance to see your pretty face.Its just not rude, its blatantly conniving and mean. It doesnt matter if youve gained weight, thats simply an excuse. Stop talking to him and start focusing on getting help on your self-esteem. You owe it to him to at least meet you and decide on his own whether he wants you. With all the text involved, IM pretty sure he doesnt care youve gained weight but that you are still YOU, funny, exciting, the same girl hes fallen for over textI think youve lead him long on. Sweetheart he wont stay that long waiting around for you to decide, hes wasted months. YOUVE WASTED HIS TIME! I would never talk to a man that long unless Ive met him and known there was an attraction (2 weeks max within talking online). And even within that 10 months you did nothing to lose weight or gain the self-confidence and integrity to be honest and meet him. Imagine if a guy did this to you. Youre mind would think of diff scenarios of why he was hiding himself (is he married? actually old, bald and over 60?, is he a murderer in hiding? actually a unemployed lowlife?).In all seriousness though sweetheart, you have to end this. NEver give someone false hope of being with you when you cant even be honest with yourself about who you are. Ive learned that lesson the hard way.Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2016): Hey hun,Sorry to hear the conundrum you're in. It seems to really play on your conscious to have kept something so physical to your chest while still investing what seems like a great deal of emotion into the connection you have with this guy.While I don't think it's the best thing to have with held the information from him regarding what you look like, you haven't catfished him in the greater sense of the word and still have the option of opening the dialogue a-fresh and investing in the relationship now.For the sake of being optimistic I would say reveal all to him honestly and hope that your integrity carries more weight than a series of photographs. Looks are merely the frost on the tip of the iceberg when it comes to building a profound and long lasting connection with someone.Rely on that good nature and the positives in the relationship you've built and go for it. If it goes wrong then he is a materialistic no-body whom you misjudged as being a bigger and better person and that it a much lesser fate than missing out on what could have been!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (18 August 2016):
 If he has talked to you for 10 months, do you really believe that he's only into you because of your looks when you've never met? I really kind of doubt it. The sad part is that you aren't being fair to yourself or to him. If you really care about him and want things to go further then you need to come clean and give the guy a chance to know you as you are RIGHT NOW.
Yes, its scary and maybe things won't go the way that you want them to, but you'll never know if you don't meet will you? As hurtful as it may be, if he doesn't wish to talk to you anymore after he sees what you look like now, then do you really want him? At least you will know.
Be brave sweetie. Believe in yourself. You must have a nice personality, be funny, intelligent..there has to be reasons why he keeps talking to. Find out what the reasons are. I know many people are focused on looks, but please believe me that not everyone is!
Please come clean. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he's really hurt and confused and just can't figure out why you won't meet?? He doesn't know and you certainly aren't helping his self esteem. Get it over with, come clean and go from there.
I won't judge and scold you but you know deep down inside that its not fair to be deceitful to him. Fess up!
I hope it turns out the way that you want it to. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 August 2016):
 I think you need to come clean or he will at some point presume that you cat-fished him, which... in a way you did. You went on Tindr to "have a stir with random people" - which to me means you were hoping to play games with people who were looking for someone. But you instead MET someone.
YOU have HAD 10 months to set the record straight. To send him a CURRENT picture of you and explain why you are 30 kg heavier and look nothing like that first picture. That way you could have met up MANY times already.
Unfortunately because you have spend 10 months AVOIDING meeting up you might have lost your chance with him. Because what it the point of all this chatting back and firth if it goes no where? You never met?
If he and you are on each other's social media HOW come he doesn't know what you look like now? To me.. that seems like you build a "fake" persona for HIM to see and like, and not yourself.
Why not BE honest with him? instead of stringing him along with all kind of lame excuses. You DO know you are HURTING him by playing these games, right?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 August 2016):
 There is a bigger problem here. What exactly are you sending as occasional snap pics? Are you sending old pictures there too? You can't hide 30 kilo just by sending neck up pictures. You can make a life commitment to a guy without a date, but you cant make a one day commitment after talking for a year? You don't have to come up with words. Start by sending an honest picture.
You can't build a relationship of trust on a lie.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (18 August 2016):
 If you don't at least try, you will spend the rest of your life thinking "what if". PLEASE don't do that.
Explain to him about your shyness (I think THAT is your major problem, not the weight gain). Then tell him about the weight gain.
If the weight gain is causing you to be so self conscious, can you do anything to get rid of some of the weight? Healthier eating, exercise, perhaps even different meds (assuming you are on meds from your post but could be wrong).
Don't give up on this guy just because you feel self conscious and shy.
Just a warning though: NOBODY is PERFECT.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (18 August 2016):
 talk to him...explain your situation. if hes such a good guy looks might not even matter to him.
im disabled and not picture perfect and i totally understand your insecurities. try talking to him about whats going on with your weight. dont miss out on him without atleast trying.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (18 August 2016):
talk to him...explain your situation. if hes such a good guy looks might not even matter to him.
im disabled and not picture perfect and i totally understand your insecurities. try talking to him about whats going on with your weight. dont miss out on him without atleast trying.
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