A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have gotten myself into a huge mess and only keep digging myself deeper and deeper. my husband and i have been married for 6 yrs, we have 5 children (4 still very young) but there is no romance, i guess there has never really been.Here is the dilema..about 6 months before we were married I went out with my best friend on christmas night (b/c my fiance told me he wanted to be alone but ended up going out w/ some other people) my friend and I ran into my husban's best friend and another guy. We ended hanging out together and went dancing. by the end of the night my husband's friend and I found ourselves holding hands, which made us both freak out for a moment. later that night we kissed and spent the night together (no sex!) a week later on NYE i did end up spending the night w/ him and this time did have sex together. There was a little wierdness but time went on and I got married and soon after my husband's friend got married as well. there was the occasional flirting and sexy eye contact but that was it for a few years.About 3 or so years ago I became friends w/ his wife. Now I am probably her best friend. So 2 yrs ago she called and asked me to p/u her husband from a bar b/c he needed a ride, and so I did. From that night the flood gates just opened. We pretty much could not get our hands off each other. this happened one more time about a yr later. btw - no sex since we have been married. but within the past yr it has gotten pretty open between me and him. we have talked about having sex, he's leaned over and kisses me when his wife walks out of the room. I went over to their house to pick up a princess bed that their daughter was giving ours and once again we just went at it. just a couple weeks ago it went to the point of oral sex.I just don't know what to do anymore. I honestly do not want to stop messing around w/ him, there's just some kind of affection (or lust, i suppose) but we both feel it. But I can't leave my husband either w/ all the kids we have together and i do love him just not in love w/ him. but i do know he loves me. Now just last week my husband's friend left his wife and I feel terrible b/c she calls me crying but i am worried that I won't see him as often. I know I am a terrible wife and friend, i won't deny that in the least. but should I disclose information to my husband or my friend to give them the choice to choose their own future by knowing the truth? or should he and I continue the way we are? I really don't see this fling going away any time soon. btw still no sex!
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best friend, christmas, fiance, flirt, oral sex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MyButtHurts +, writes (1 May 2011):
The only reason you find his friend exciting is because it's taboo. If you fess up and get a divorce then you will ruin both your home life and your "love" life. His friend will then seem boring. Face it you have a thrill seeking personality, like me. As long as your husband won't get suspicious have your cake and eat it too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to sign in before I sent in the last post. So the last comment was made by me : ) thx again
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): thx everyone!! I will definitely take all this advice to heart. just to clear up a few things.... no i was not pregnant for 5yrs, I had a set of multiples and my husband brought in a child from a previous relationship. I am human and i have not taken the right steps by going outside my marriage but I have tried a lot things to make our marriage work. As far as sex life goes I like the kinky and exciting stuff but he's just not into it. I've tried getting him to do different things and he says he just feels silly. We also haven't slept in the same bed since we moved in together, and he refuses b/c the kids would wake him up. So it's me and four little ones upstairs who wake me up (which is fine) at all hours of the night but it brings resentment that he is downstairs sleeping sound and just leaves everything up to me.Another thing... I am a girly girl and love shopping and all that stuff but I am also a hard worker. my husband wks a ft job, as do I. But i also do all the inside cleaning and outside yard work ( all by myself) while taking care of 4 munchkins. I have also been to counseling for about 2yrs and have disclosed everything to her. I was having terrible panic attacks due to my anxiety and the amt of stress I am under trying to be super mom. My husband refused to go to marriage counseling b/c he doesn't believe it would do any good. Pretty much he's happy as long as I don't Bitch and complain for him to help me out. He's a decent dad, the kids love him but he is lazy in most aspects at home. and his friend at the beginning of our marriage saw that and still does and he will help me out as far as cleaning gutters and taking the trash out and so on. there's a bit more background but thx for the advice and I will definitely update as everything moves along!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 April 2011):
I suggest just leaving the marriage without disclosures. Believe me, you do not want a bitter husband telling your children you were having an affair with his best friend. They'll turn against you, and you won't get them back.
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A
female
reader, Shesmylife517 +, writes (29 April 2011):
Wow thats deep.. Well my opinion is that it is just lust and and b/c you guys are sneaking around its more exciting.. U an i both know its wrong. How about if the tables were turned an it was your best friend your husband was having an affair with( because that is what you are doin). How would you feel.. The best thing you can do is have a talk with him do not let him know what u have been doin it will cause alot of problems.. Just let him know how you feel an you guys have to decide if u want to stay together or not. Now that ur lover has left his wife he will explore so dont be suprised if he starts sleeping around with multiple women.. I think the best thing to do is leave him alone an focus on ur husband, spice up the sex life get a little freaky :) even a little nasty in bed men like that.. Sex is very important in a relationship not the moat important aspect but if its not good you wull look elsewhere.. Well good luck :)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 April 2011):
 kids survive and adapt amazingly well to divorce and two households with two sets of rules. staying together "for the kids" is crazy and not even a good idea. my kids told me they were much happier after mommy and daddy split up...
btw they are now 27 and 24 and were 3 and 5 when we split.
kids are resilient
but you have betrayed yourself, your spouse and your best friend..... you need to right that wrong.
as usual caringguy and Cerbeus have NAILED the truth to the wall in plain sight... read what both of them said.
Oral is sex btw... technical virginity or abstinence is bs in my book
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 I won't be harsh on you. There is no excuse for cheating, for sure. I am trying to understand where you are from. You need to do some soul searching too. There is no romance in your marriage because needs aren't met on both sides and you didn't know how to communicate those needs. I have one kid and that's a handful for me. I can imagine 5 kids driving you crazy and you just desperately needed an escape, so there you go with this man who provided you that.
Did that guy leave his wife, like he went out of town, or did he divorce her?
It's too late to undo mistakes, and I think it's not helpful for you to beat yourself up for the rest of your life. The more proactive thing to do is to work on your marriage, like going to counselling. As you cut contact with this guy, you can also persuade him to go back to his wife. As you fix up this mess and become a good friend, wife and mother, you become a model for him to do the same, hopefully for other people who are tempted to cheat. I really don't want to see two broken families here when help is available, books, internet, therapists, etc. You just have to be willing. I want to see happy endings. I believe a mistake should not cost you your love, your children, and your integrity. I really do hope that in the future when you come to find yourself and love yourself you will give advice on dearcupid to people who are about to make the same mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): Yes I think your hb and best friend need to be told what you and his so called best friend is up to. At least give them a chance to get their lives in order and rid themselves from the toxic people in their lives (meaning you and so called best friend)As for your poor poor kids. Not a good role model for them I'm afraid. In fact I think you are more likely to corrupt their innocent lives than anything else.Caring Guy, has given you excellent advice. Stop this charade you call marriage and end it asap. This is best for all concerned.And Cerebus pointed out that u did have sex because oral sex is well sex. You have indicated that u do not want to stop cheating, so I will not advise you otherwise because you will not listen. What I want to recommend is that u cut yourself off your friends life. She doesn't deserve a friend like you. In fact how could you betray her in her own home? She was handing you a bed for your kid and you repay her by fooling around with her hb when she left the room.So in essence, divorce is the only solution.Your poor poor kids. My heart goes out to them.LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): From the very beginning, you were already cheating on him and developing new emotionally attachments to someone else- his best friend. Why would you ever get married when that was happening in the background!?6 years and 5 children. So for five of those years you were pregnant. How can you expect to share any moment of intimacy with your husband?Normally, there is some level of respect and certainly remorse when you develop a close friendship with the person you are cheating with wife! But you seem to not even express that much for her, let alone your husband, when you are kissing in the next room and having sex on your daughters bed.Honestly, if you came here looking for answers of understanding, expect to be given a lot of critism. I'm kind of disgusted by this behavior. Clearly, your not willing to end your relationship with this man, and its cost him his marriage and should soon cost you yours.Think about now what this means for your family life. You have a few options. Tell your husband that the last 6 years of your life together was based on a lie and now youve trapped him with 5 kids to a family life you dont even want because all along you were in love with his best friend. Did you ever consider that maybe once you destroy this for yourself and end up with this man, that it wont be anything like you thought it would be? Usually because the enticement of the affair is no longer there. Instead youll probably experience a lot of shame from mutual friends and family, dishonoring your new relationship.As for your kids, your husband will forever be in your life one way or another. What are the chances he makes this difficult for you? So that you can't see them or have as much involvement in their lives. Eventually, as they get older, they are going to know what split you guys up and trust me, they will not respect you.On the other hand, you could try to salvage your relationship by giving it an HONEST chance. Which you havent, because you are so sure about this affair- that like I said, may be nothing since it could be based off merely lust. I suggest moving. Pick up and move away. Start over. And if your still unhappy with your husband, then, only then, divorce him.That's just my two cents. Then again, your poor husband... he might be better off without you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): "but should I disclose information to my husband or my friend to give them the choice to choose their own future by knowing the truth?"
OP you know the standard response to that would be a big fat yes. Basically everything CaringGuy said is what your *supposed* to do, it is the morally right thing to do but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. Because honestly your situation just isn't that cut and dry, 4 very young kids. No love for your husband, a guy you are having an affair with which you really don't know would develop into anything more if you were to give it a go, a best friend who needs you right now. You'd be surprized how the excitement and thrill of the affair can keep the flame burning, take that out of the equation and you could well be back to square one, you may find without that there's actually nothing there between you and this other guy. It's not unheard of, in fact it's the most common consequence.
Without the emotional love, financial support and the solid foundation of your family, your relationship with this other guy will probably just peter out once you realize all the things you've lost and you will lose a hell of a lot too, once you realize he's not going to provide you with any of those things. You see OP you're in the middle of an exciting affair, one with lots of passion but that doesn't last at all as you well know, when that's gone do you really think you can build a life with this guy, both of you complete pariahs to everyone else in your life including your own kids? You really think that could work?
You need to think about the future before you make any decision on this. You need to stop seeing this guy first and break all contact. Whether you want to or not, whether he gives you something that's missing, tough OP, it is your duty as a mother to try and make this right. All parents have to make sacrifices for the sake of their kids and giving up this other guy while you reassess your life is not that big of a sacrifice. It's the least they deserve isn't it?
Give him up for now, be there for your friend, take care of your kids and have a long hard think about the future. Assess everything, go over every single detail over and over again. The reason I'm telling you to get rid of him while you do this is because you need an objective view, you need to get rid of any emotion in this or it will go belly up. Because up until now you've been doing everything in the spur of the moment based on your emotions, there is absolutely no logic to it and it is the reason you are in this mess in the first place. If you want to make this right and you want to ensure your and your kids future, then you need to approach this with complete logic.
Eventually you will have to tell everyone, before he does or they find out. But you need a plan first, you need to figure out what it is you really want, only then can you approach this with a cool head and do what's best for everyone, not just for yourself. OP get rid of this guy for now and take a long hard look in the mirror. Your marriage will have to end because you can't trust yourself and you will just keep on cheating, so prepare for that.
Set everything out, have a solid idea of what you want and where your future lies. Just know that if this guys wife can't trust him then you know you can't and the possibility of any kind of long term future with a guy like that is incredibly low, I mean your husband thought that about you but he can never trust you again, can he? No, because you don't love him and you think with your clit and not with your head.
If you don't do this, if you don't set things in motion and prepare for this you're going to lose everything and you will have 5 kids that grow up to absolutely hate you because you couldn't keep your knickers on. Is that really why you brought them into this world? Is that really the kind of future you want for yourself?
Come back and let us know what happens.
You did have sex btw, oral is sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know eventually a divorce will happen. But I also know right now neither one of us could afford to live apart and be able to pay for 2 households instead of one. So you suggest to just leave the marriage w/o any disclosures. I know telling them would just hurt everyone involved, but I am truly trying to figure out if it is the right thing to do!?!?!?!?!
does it matter if i feel that i am in love w/ his friend?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (28 April 2011):
Let me ask you this - how do you think your 5 little children will act when they find out you're having sex/messing around with their Dad's best friend?
That's why you now need to get a divorce and live your own life. Please don't delay, and don't make excuses for not leaving such as "we have kids together" - if that truly meant something you'd never have cheated.
You have no choice but to get a divorce. You don't really love your husband, and the truth is you've done too much too early. Now what you have to do is damage control. You can't afford to continue this way, or you will be severely hated. Children do not forgive parents that easily, and if it comes out that you're doing this, believe me you will be in more pain that you know.
Stop with the charade of a marriage, and stop the worthless fling with a man who is laughing at you and your husband (his own friend). Instead, put your children first and save them the embarrassment and pain of knowing their mother and their father's best friend have been acting this way.
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A
female
reader, belize +, writes (28 April 2011):
 STOP AND THINK!! Would you like another woman to do that to you. What mess!! Step back and suppose her. You stepping on dangerous ground. You will mess a whole lot of life if you continue this 'need to satisfy your sexual craving'.This guy is a serial cheater and sounds like serial sex addict. If you go with him , he will do the same to you.If your so frustrated for sex - why invest in a good sex toy.
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