A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for advice on what to do about a relationship which seems to have become very complicated due to mental illness/trust issues.The main thing is that I love him a lot and it would have been 8 years together this year and to me it seems a terrible waste.We broke up a year ago beacause six months before, I found out that he had taken an 18 year old out on a date a couple of times but nothing happened he said. At that time we we looking for houses etc and I wasnt seeing him so much because I was working on a course....I realise that this was someone my younger sister knew of which made it worse..I tried to carry on with things for 6 months but became insecure ( and I had never had these feelings before!) Then, this time last year it all became stressful and I had to decide whether to move and live in the new house with him which meant finding a new job etc...all that for someone who had done that to me.Then, he went away for a week with work and I had time to think and I decided that I really wanted to try and make things work. But when he came back he was like a different person ad said he felt like he had gone 'mad'.We were meant to talk and work things out one night and I tried to talk and he just carried on typing on his computer as if it was nothing, bearing in mind that this could be the last time he ever saw me!So, the next day he asked for a month's break and I didnt want to- I would rather sort things out. I reluctantly agreed but the next day i went to call him and he completely ignored me...then after a week i fet like i was prepapred to let it all go. I said 'is there someone else' and he said 'no' but to be honest there is a girl at work that likes me.So i thought right, i am going to let all of this go....then two weeks later he was emailing desperately trying to get me back and i was having none of it. Weeks later he suddenly got depression, ocd and anxiety and never left the house for 3 months and was suidical...then i had to worry day by day if he was ok.I managed to get on with my life the best i could. He had got better at the beginning fo the year and had called me a few times and i had been resistant and angry at him over and over saying it wont work out.I did finally meet up wit him a couple of weeks ago and realised i loved him a lot. Then we met up a couple more times when my feelings started to get mixed up.It turned out that he slept with the other girl from work during the break, now that is painful on top of the 18 year old thing AND having to address the concept of him not being himself because of his mental illness.He also said he slept with the girl because he was ill. Its hard because he cries so easily i find it hard to be straight with him about my feelings.He has always had self esteem issues and looking back he must have shown false confidence, but deep down I always thought I really knew the true him.If I try to walk away then I know that I will still love him and it feels a waste, but the thought of trying to work this out completely panicks me to. Advise please??
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male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (26 April 2009):
 Here's a hypothesis for you: in the time that you were seeing each other, you could have been the "mental glue" that held him together. Assuming that's true, I would ask if you would want to assume that role for your future? ...because, it's indeed possible that's what could happen. Notice how you said he more or less fell apart when you weren't around. Perhaps he realized that you are the key to keeping himself "normal" and he's desperately trying to get back to that place again.
I have more comments for you, but I don't want to air them publicly. If you are so inclined, I invite you to send me a private message.
Best of luck in whichever path you choose.
A
female
reader, b.rye +, writes (26 April 2009):
 I have to agree with the previous advice entry about the counseling. It never, ever hurts to get a third party perspective, particularly with a professional. There are a couple of possibilities I see:1 - He is really suffering from these mental disorders and needs to seek medical and psychological attention immediately. There do exist proper medications to pull a person out from the downward spiral so they can begin to participate in the world again as a normal person. I have to disagree with the OCD. It sounds more like severe depression, if initial mental illness is the case, and there are treatment options for this including hospitalization if he is suicidal. 2 - He didn't suffer mental illness to start with, but stepped outside of the relationship and begin having mental health issues because he felt horridly guilty. Guilt at a high magnitude can lead to severe anxiety and panic disorder which can ultimately lead to a very severe and deadly depression. He might have very well induced his health condition by his 'sin' instead of the health condition making him do it. If I might be frank: It sounds to me that this is the more likely situation, and I would like to call his b.s. when he tells you that his further transgressions were a result of being mentally ill. If he was so concerned about his state of mind, he would have sought out help instead of perpetrating the situation. He was making excuses, and now feels so badly about what he has done that he has shoved himself into this dark hole.Either way, the both of you would find counseling to be extremely beneficial. I think you need some explanation that a professional could provide after getting an assessment of him and his mental condition. When you begin dealing with psychological disorders, your best bet is to get help from someone who is professionally trained to handle psychological disorders. When the pipes under your house burst or start to leak, you hire a plumber. If you break out in a rash, you go to the doctor. This is the same thing, just a different kind of problem.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (26 April 2009):
 OCD is not associated with depression, but in its self can lead to it, but depression doesn't precede it. Not leaving the house for 3 months, with depressions sounds like "major depressive disorder"
To sleep with someone because of mental illness, has to include not knowing what he was doing, and not having the ability to decide other than the sexual encounter. He could have been doing it, in a way to self medicate, but it's not because of the issues its self.
If he's not in counseling,I'd recommend he begin, before you decide to enter back into a relationship with him. He now has issues you have no control over, nor can you personally medicate him and make everything alright. I don't see why you can't have a relationship, but counseling needs to be part of his treatment.
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