A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Over the years I have had some male friends/admirers who are interested in me romantically but either come across as introvert or lacking in confidence I'm not sure. I am an introvert but am confident. We will get on well and flirt but something holds them back from taking it further. It frustrates me as I know some of these guys use dating sites so they will interact with me in person but are back on the dating sites a few days later. I just find it offensive as though I am second best if they are looking elsewhere but not good enough to take things further with. I know they are interested as sometimes their friends will go behind their back and tell me. Most men always tell me how great I am and don't understand why I am single. I am quite pretty which I know can intimidate some of them as they cannot look me in the eye. What is the solution to all of this?
View related questions:
confidence, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): Sometimes guys just don't think you're taking them seriously; or they are simply awed by the attention of an attractive-woman. They're paralyzed with goofiness! As you've indicated in your post, they may lack confidence. Assuming good-looks automatically gives you many options and advantages. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. You're another human being like the rest of us!
Always remember, you've only met but so many men. That doesn't account for a consensus, or complete an accurate survey of how the majority of men are. Just the few you've been unfortunate to have encountered. All the same, you're gaining some knowledge about male-types. You're becoming more astute and discerning as you go. Hang in there, sweetheart! You've got this!
Seeking a good-match and someone looking for what you're looking for; can be a lengthy-search, and a long series of rejections and eliminations. We also live in a generation of men who think like teenage-boys; all they want is sex, and no responsibility thereafter. They want an extended-boyhood; and see commitment as a trap, or loss of freedom. Over-indulgence in porn-culture, and living in a society poisoned by social media and indifference; makes your search all the more difficult. Yet, you must never lose hope! Good-men are out there; and having the same amount of difficulty finding that right-woman. Both genders have our faults and disadvantages!
There are women, who will just settle for whatever they can get. Because they are cynical, were impatient, have been deeply hurt, or stuck on a type. They've become cynical and embittered, because they are unlucky in-love. Those who survive, know they have to push-on. It's a matter of timing! Being in the right-place, at the right-time. Learn from your mistakes! Allow your common-sense to work alongside your heart...the heart is foolish when it works solely on its own! Hence, cynicism and bitterness creates a habit of self-fulfilling prophecy; you'll sabotage every relationship with the preconception that it's going to end in ruin anyway! "Once-bitten, twice-shy," as the saying goes!
Resign yourself to the fact that finding treasure and seeking things of value may require patience, determination, and some time. You don't find diamonds and gold sprawled out on in the open for just anyone to find them; sometimes you have to search, work, and dig deep to find them. You may have to throw a bunch on the rejection-pile. You may get thrown on the rejection-pile! Such is life!
Fate may have it, that there is someone picked-out and designed to fit into your destiny; and he's making his way towards you. God's angels surround and protect you, until you find each-other. He's refining and polishing you as things progress in your life. Meanwhile, work on your weaknesses; and those things you feel could use tweaking or readjustment. Always be a work in-progress. Say a prayer, and ask for the guy best-suited for you. Stay positive in your outlook! Delay doesn't mean you'll never find him! It may take a little longer than you want it to; but when you find each-other, you will appreciate each-other all the more. That's usually God's plan. If fate feels, you aren't ready, the chemistry will not occur. There may be faults in these men you don't see; but divine-intervention won't allow it to go any further than necessary. You learn something!
I'm not saying all this, because I'm some kind of hopeless romantic; I only advise on topics I know something about. I know, because I've been there and I've done that! I once lost love to cancer, then got dumped; but I've found it again, even better than before! I went through hell and back, before I found it; so I know what I'm talking about. How do you think I ended up with DC? I came here to educate and comfort those losing hope, or who might give-up too soon!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 February 2020):
 Being quite pretty is certainly an asset, but , if those guys are looking for a relationship, it's not enough to make them pursue you , in case you do not coincide with with the kind of person they want. This does not mean that you aren't good enough !, of course, just that you may be different from what they look for in a long term partner. Like, you practice religion X and they don't, and they know they would only marry a correligionary ( or an atheist, as for that ). They love animals , or kids, or… drinks and drugs, whatever, but you don't ( or viceversa ). They want someone who is very sporty, or very; I don't know, family-oriented, very .. whatever , and you did not strike them as being the " very " they are looking for. Which does not mean that you are wrong or not good, just that you 'd be more ineteresting to other, different men.
OTH, you also have to consider that , if instead they are on dating sites, for a " browse ", i.e. for casual encounters , casting their lines and waiting to see if anyone bites , but basically looking for nothing serious... , you are not the right person , insofar you are already a sort of friend , and anyway you see them regularly in the course of these activities and hobbies that you share… and this has the potential to make things " complicated " and to get ugly , ruining a pleasant camaraderie.
Then again, it could also be , as you say, that they find you intimidating even if you never meant to come off this way. There's a fine line between reserved / introverted and standoffish, the two things may get confused, plus add very good looking to the combination and, it could be that you make these guys a bit nervous and they feel you are out of their league… That's not excluded. The solution would be, since you mention that you are a confident type, to take the initiative yourself, and ask one ( or more ) of these guys out. Why not ? What's the worst that can happen ? that they are not interested, and they turn you down, and you don't get to date them. What that be so terrible ? For a confident, attractive, well rounded woman who KNOWS she is a great catch regardless, it's a 5 minutes ego prick than can take the wind off your sails for the shortest time, then.. next.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2020):
 Do these guys KNOW you are looking for a partner?
It might also be that they think you are this outgoing and flirtatious woman who is just enjoying some flirt banter while doing insert hobby.
I'd say this if someone told me, I can't understand why you are still single, just say:" me neither, I just don't get asked out." That is a pretty strong hint to ask you out... IF they are REALLY interested maybe that can be a good icebreaker.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for reply. I think my post did not come across clearly. What it is, I meet these men in real life through hobbies - not through dating sites. So it frustrates me that I can't be the one if they go online for a browse after spending time with me in person. I think you could be right, maybe they think there isn't enough in common.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2020):
If you never get off the dating site to go on actual dates, you either have men who really aren't looking for anything serious contact you, or you come across in a manner that they like but don't want in a partner.
You say "we get on well and flirt"... well, MAYBE save the flirting for when you have meet and know there is chemistry going on.
I don't think you being pretty is what is holding them back. But if they are intimidated by your good looks, is that really a guy you want to date? No. Because that is pretty insecure or with absolute no confidence.
Are you second best? I doubt it but SOMETHING in (I'm guessing your manner, and behavior makes them think you are not a good fit for them. WHAT exactly that is, I don't know. And it might BE that some of these guys are talking to multiple women and one of these women have more in common with them so they go in that direction.
My advice? Don't spend too long talking to guys on a dating site before meeting in person, IF you feel he is someone you want to get to know.
You write :"I know they are interested as sometimes their friends will go behind their back and tell me."
Being interested in what? That is the question. If they have friends who are trying to make things happen, they might not have the confidence to ACTUALLY date, Talking to women online... THAT they can do.
I think IF a man (because given your age group the men approaching you are in their 30-40's too, I presume) so OLD enough to know that IF interested you ASK the person out on a date.
Maybe the site you are on is not the right one for you. That is another thought. Or you need to rework your profile.
I know rejection isn't fun or pleasant. But some guy not wanting to take things further doesn't automatically mean that YOU aren't "good enough". It might mean they didn't feel chemistry, or that you two shared anything in common, have the same values, or want the same things.
...............................
|
