A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I will quickly describe the situation, though I ask you to please not to condemn me harshly.I am in my upper 40s, never married. Met a woman two years younger, also never been married. We dated for two years. It has been my first long-term relationship. I know I have all the markings of a loser: I moved back in with my aging parents a few years ago for financial reasons (though I also help them out). I lost a job I had in an organization where I worked for the last 10 years. I am now retraining and working part-time.Yes, I know: you probably think I am a walking red flag.Anyway, the woman, who is actually successful and has her own apartment, still wanted to be with me. However, after dating for 2 years and after asking me repeatedly when I will propose or am I stringing her along. I told her I was just feeling low about my circumstances: the job loss, the loss of income. She asked why she was not enough. I told her she was the best thing that ever happened to me, but I did not know why I could not yet propose. I just had a lack of self-confidence about marriage. I told her that when I asked her out it was because I was doing well at my job and had a surge of self-confidence, which dried up once I lost it last year. But she felt it was not a valid excuse. She thought if I was really in love, none of that would matter.So finally, she left two days ago.I do not blame her, of course. She thought I would never ask her to marry me, and she did not want to be chained or treated so disrespectfully.My question:-If I do not right now feel good enough to marry her (i.e., that I feel like a loser) does it mean that we are not right for each other? Or could this feeling change when I am in a better life situation (employed, earning money, etc.)? Feeling Terribly Guilty and Sad,Guiltysad
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female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (29 February 2020):
 Women have diff mindset. We work on diff time frame ,so do men. Let me say this
What men desire more than anything: freedom, financial success, winning in life, fun, adventures
What women desire more than anything: commitment with man she loves (which for most women is marriage), amazing relationships, passion and love for life
Do you see diff here ? She liked you enough to date you for 2 years. She stayed loyal and hoped it would to her desire which is marriage. But because shes a woman, her desire is not met. So she left. Its very reasonable understandable
If after 2 years of dating and youre desires are not met. You have every right to leave as well
A woman Cannot commit to a man longterm if he cannot give her her desire. A man cannot marry unless he feels successful in life along with freedom with his woman.
There is no match here. Set her free to find herself a man who can marry her. And now youre free be who you are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): I'll spare you any harsh-judgement. I won't kick my fellow-man when he's down. I won't pander to your self-pity either!
I'm very sorry about the loss of both your job and your girlfriend. I think it was best that she did decide to move-on. I think she's being unfair to have total disregard for your present circumstances. You should be given the opportunity to recover before expecting a marriage proposal! Is it her mission to marry the first guy who asks???
There is an upside. It will take some of the pressure off. Maybe she's overlooking the point that you're a grown-man. You do have pride. You should be self-supporting, and gainfully-employed; before taking a huge step like marriage. For the sake of survival, you had to temporarily swallow your pride; and move back with your parents. Not ideal, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do! Your parents should hardly have to lift a finger; if you're doing right by them. If losing jobs is your usual habit, or a common-occurrence; you're far from marriage-material!
Losing a job can happen to anyone; even if you've always been a huge success, earning a six or seven-figure salary! It doesn't make you a loser, it makes you unemployed! Only until you find another job! If you're lazy between jobs; then the title "loser" sticks! Everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt! You're down on your luck!
Only a loser would marry a woman without a job, or a plan; finding himself financially-dependent on a woman. Maybe women think that's okay, but we men know that we should be man enough to support ourselves; and should generously contribute to the house-hold income. It's fine to be in-love; but not stupid in-love! Why would you expect a jobless-man to be ready to propose? He needs a job before he needs a wife!!!
It's important to show your woman that you have a good work-ethic; and you are able to start and support a family, or your household. Not helpless, and willing to be her dependent!!! You're too old to be a kept-man! That's for boy-toys and gigolos!
If you love each-other, you should be supporting each-other. Both morally and financially! It's not so much about who earns the most these days! The wage-disparagement between incomes shouldn't be too wide. The Bible states a couple should be "equally-yoked." Using this metaphor, it compares two oxen pulling a plow. One should be as strong and capable of carrying the load as the other. A well-matched couple should have the same outlook on life, the same level of understanding, and matching-values. Necessary, in order to be compatible. Mismatches occur when people can't relate to each other, share no comparable-experiences, and have little in-common. One comes from wealth, and the other is dirt-poor. One educated, the other uneducated. It gets complicated.
Kicking yourself when you're down is counterproductive and self-defeating; it clobbers your self-esteem, and destroys your self-confidence. Being sad is understandable; but tearing yourself down makes it harder to pull yourself back-up. Guilt is an unavoidable side-effect. Guilt feeds into self-pity; and it is also self-defeating. You did not intend to hurt her. She has her feelings to contend with; and she has the right to do what she feels to be best for herself. As do you!
Tagging yourself with negative-labels is just giving-up. You'll become hopeless, and that leads to despair. That's when people turn to self-destructive behavior. They often abuse drugs or alcohol; and they'll cease all efforts to find work. They'll fade from society into darkness, and surrender to failure. All ambition goes out the window!
DO NOT PROCLAIM YOURSELF A LOSER! IT IS a red-flag...as far as marriage is concerned.
An unemployed-man in his 40's, living with his parents, is not a good marriage-prospect. He has to recuperate and get his life in order first!
It's better to see this as just an unfortunate part of life; and a challenge everyone faces sooner or later. You get-up, dust yourself off, and you do everything you can to get back on that horse! You can't let self-pity, or bitterness, fill your head with nonsense. It will zap your energy and strength!
Concentrate on getting back to work. Being unemployed over an extended-period starts to get to you. That's normal. It's good she has faith in you, and knows you will recover. Even during a period of engagement, unemployment might become a relationship-issue; because you'd become ashamed and resentful. Always depending on her to pay the bills; and reaching for her purse, every-time the check for dinner comes. These are just examples, not a kick in gut! Take it easy!
It's best not to be financially-dependent on other people, regardless of your gender!
Dear sir, this is an unfortunate turn of events in your life. You must keep the faith, and press-on. It's only temporary! We all hit a snag now and then, and sometimes life sucks!
During a heated-argument, in anger, sometimes women verbally-attack your manhood and emasculate you. It's best to avoid being in situations that could lead you down that path! Your bruised male-pride and vulnerabilities are more exposed, when you feel at the mercy of another person. During a disagreement, it's not a good nerve to pluck! Unfortunately, many will go there!
It's painful for now; but she did you both a favor. Your highest priorities at the moment is getting a job, and moving out of your parent's house. You're both old enough to know the facts, and to face the reality.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): I would first ask yourself, WILL you be ready to propose in the foreseeable future? If yes, thenI think you need to have another discussion with her and be very clear about why you don't feel ready to propose.State very clearly that you love her and view her as your soulmate and life partner, and that you see the two of you definitely staying permanently together. However, I would explain that you also need her love and her patience while you get your life together enough to be in a position to move out of your parents house, financially support yourself, finance a wedding, and be a fully contributing partner before moving in together. If she states "don't worry about that", I would explain that it is important for your self-respect and for your respect for her. Then explain the steps you will be taking over the next year to get a job and get into a position of financial independence. Two years of dating really isn't THAT long to wait, especially since she is too old to have kids at this point anyway...so I don't see her huge rush. I do understand her fear though...but I think she should also be willing to wait for at least 1 more year while you figure things out.
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