A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:What to do if you can't let go of your grudge from that person. My ex-best friend asks for forgiveness and all my friends forgive her. Well, I stayed silent and didn't give any information. I know, I'm a bad person but how can I forgive someone who betrayed my trust? Please help! Honest comments are appreciated :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): If you can not let go of a grudge, that is entirely your choice and only you have the key. Life is short, time is quick and grudges demand time and energy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): No, sweetheart, it doesn't automatically make you a bad-person; because you haven't forgiven yet. If you're the one most directly affected; of course it will take you longer to get there than the others.
If you have decided you will never get past this; then it will keep you stuck with it indefinitely. Meanwhile, everyone else has moved-on. People are going to betray your trust throughout your life. In most cases, it's a warning and indication you've chosen the wrong person as a friend. You eliminate those who are proven untrustworthy or toxic; but holding-on to bitterness over what they've done is the part that is toxic. Nobody should have that much power over your feelings and emotions. You're young, and you have a lot of life still ahead of you. Now is the time to learn from this experience. Yes she took advantage, but aren't you bigger than that? She's young and has as much to learn as you do!!!
You would be within your rights to discontinue your friendship with this person, nothing wrong with that. It is perfectly fine to end the friendship, and still forgive the person. That's the ideal and mature way to handle it.
If you keep carrying the grudge, that may cost you all your other friends. They fear they'll make a mistake, and you won't forgive them either! You don't do it because they've done it; you do it because you know forgiveness will free you from the pain and allow you to take back control over your feelings. If you want to hold a grudge; then when someone refuses to forgive you for a mistake...remember this. You are subject to whatever you impose on other people. If you're perfect...then by all means, stick to your guns. Hate her, and see how good it feels as time passes; and she has forgotten all about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, guys. I really appreciate it. You know, it all happens when I thought she considered me a friend. It turns out that she was just using me and it hurt me because I don't like being used and all my intentions to her are true. No malice! So, she chatted one of my friends that she was sorry and she missed us all. So, she was added to our group chat and start typing the word "Hi" and then sent her apology to us. All my friends were okay. I was quite envious because of why it's easy for them to forgive and forget? Why am I left behind? Does that mean, I'm a bad person? So, for the sake of my other friends, I forgive her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 March 2020):
 Absolutely agree with CodeWarrior on the "can forgive, but not forget" which I may not have explained well enough in my answer.
I had a BEST friend stab me in the back, it was so sneaky and low and it hurt (this was AGES ago, in our 20's) I dropped her as a friend, she NEVER apologized to me, but she tried to gloss it over to all our friends, and since I didn't talk smack about her (I felt it was between HER and I - not Her, Them and I) they stayed friends with her, I did not. I did forgive her, but not to her face. I let it go, I said F it, WHY care? It was a setback and bump in the road, HOW to move forward?
She has tried MANY times to reach out and pretend that we somehow "just" lost contact and that she misses talking to me and I still ignore her e-mails. I don't see the point of pretending I care for her now, so many years later. I have been fine without her in my life for so long... Shrug, HER loss.
If she HAD taken responsibility for what she did, I would still have forgiven her, but never really trusted her enough to stay close friends, she would have been "down-graded" to an acquaintance, instead I chose to cut her lose. Funny enough, she apparently pulled a similar stunt with another mutual friend and that time she kinda lost the whole friend group's patience. Because the other person talked SO much smack and backed it up with "receipts". I actually felt a little bad for her, but... some people just don't learn. Some people are NOT good friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): Forgiving doesn't mean letting someone, who has really done you wrong, stay in your life.
You can forgive, truly forgive, and move on.
You can let go of the grudge. Let that person know that she's forgiven. Stop ignoring her or berating her... whatever you did to let her know that she had not been forgiven and just let go. Focus on other people and yourself.
Trust is tricky, because once we lose it, it's really hard to pretend that it is still there.
I don't know what this person did to you and how bad it was, but, whatever it is, grudge hurts only you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): It takes time to come to the point of forgiveness sometimes. It all depends on how someone has hurt or betrayed you. You also have to consider whether you're being petty; and if your grudge or misgivings rise to the level or withholding your forgiveness.
Withholding forgiveness over a grudge is like holding your breath. The longer you hold it, the more oxygen you deny your brain. If you don't take another breath, you could pass-out. Being an angry and unforgiving person is the same. You deny your inner-spirit the oxygen it needs; and you become stifled for the oxygen that refreshes the soul. Your soul becomes smothered by anger, and the light within you flickers out.
Forgiveness frees the soul and the mind to move-on to bigger and better things. God withholds His blessings from unforgiving-people. He won't forgive you, if you won't forgive others. That's pretty serious. He doesn't ask you to remain friends, it may also be His will you never have anything to do with them anymore. That's okay. He still wants you to let-go of any hard-feelings; so love flows through you again. He will reward you for it.
If you chose to hold-on to your bitterness towards a person, the anger starts to turn into poison. The poison starts to change you and can turn you into a very toxic person. Never-mind the fact that everyone else has already forgiven this person; that in itself will dilute or diffuse the toxicity of your venom. Everyone is moving-on and going forward, you're left behind stewing in your juices...the target of your anger will stop asking for forgiveness, and eventually move forward without it anyway.
You can't paralyze people by showing them your anger and animosity; you're the one caught in your web of anger, dangling there while everyone else is free. They will tire of you and your grudge, and will leave you alone with it.
If this is over some boy, gossip, or someone exposed something you told them in secret; unless this is something that rises to the level of causing you severe harm and distress, it will pass. Be careful that you don't become the toxic-person who tries to turn everyone else against someone over an issue you refuse to resolve and make peace over. You don't, and can't, determine the destiny or outcome of anyone's life but your own. I know you are young, and you have been deeply hurt; but teenagers (people in their early 20's) can be quite dramatic at times. Take a deep breath, step back, and measure how serious this really is. Is it as serious as you're making it out to be? Will it hospitalize you? Is it life-threatening? Will it make you unable to face the world again? Has it caused you a huge financial-loss, or publicly humiliated your family?
If not, then get-over it; and get-over yourself!!! Don't be a drama-queen!
When someone humbles themselves enough to beg for forgiveness, remember that someday you will need forgiveness yourself over something you've done. You will feel the same anguish and guilt as the person you're denying forgiveness. You can hurt a person with your non-forgiveness for only so long. Then they will just realize how narrow-minded and mean-spirited you are; and they will no longer feel any guilt for what they did to you. In-fact, they will feel that somehow you deserve to feel the pain they've inflicted. Not all things can be instantly forgiven; but you are still required to work towards regaining that freedom and power over your own feelings. You empower others to manipulate and control your emotions by letting them know how deep they can hurt you.
Forgiveness is hard sometimes; but from the point of giving it, you can free yourself from a problem to move forward. If you want to be stuck, go ahead. Harden your heart! If this person is as young as you are; remember that youth has resilience, and they will get-over you long before you get-over what happened to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): It takes time to come to the point of forgiveness sometimes. It all depends on how someone has hurt or betrayed you. You also have to consider whether you're being petty; and if your grudge or misgivings rise to the level or withholding your forgiveness.
Withholding forgiveness over a grudge is like holding your breath. The longer you hold it, the more oxygen you deny your brain. If you don't take another breath, you could pass-out. Being an angry and unforgiving person is the same. You deny your inner-spirit the oxygen it needs; and you become stifled for the oxygen that refreshes the soul. Your soul becomes smothered by anger, and the light within you flickers out.
Forgiveness frees the soul and the mind to move-on to bigger and better things. God withholds His blessings from unforgiving-people. He won't forgive you, if you won't forgive others. That's pretty serious. He doesn't ask you to remain friends, it may also be His will you never have anything to do with them anymore. That's okay. He still wants you to let-go of any hard-feelings; so love flows through you again. He will reward you for it.
If you chose to hold-on to your bitterness towards a person, the anger starts to turn into poison. The poison starts to change you and can turn you into a very toxic person. Never-mind the fact that everyone else has already forgiven this person; that in itself will dilute or diffuse the toxicity of your venom. Everyone is moving-on and going forward, you're left behind stewing in your juices...the target of your anger will stop asking for forgiveness, and eventually move forward without it anyway.
You can't paralyze people by showing them your anger and animosity; you're the one caught in your web of anger, dangling there while everyone else is free. They will tire of you and your grudge, and will leave you alone with it.
If this is over some boy, gossip, or someone exposed something you told them in secret; unless this is something that rises to the level of causing you severe harm and distress, it will pass. Be careful that you don't become the toxic-person who tries to turn everyone else against someone over an issue you refuse to resolve and make peace over. You don't, and can't, determine the destiny or outcome of anyone's life but your own. I know you are young, and you have been deeply hurt; but teenagers (people in their early 20's) can be quite dramatic at times. Take a deep breath, step back, and measure how serious this really is. Is it as serious as you're making it out to be? Will it hospitalize you? Is it life-threatening? Will it make you unable to face the world again? Has it caused you a huge financial-loss, or publicly humiliated your family?
If not, then get-over it; and get-over yourself!!! Don't be a drama-queen!
When someone humbles themselves enough to beg for forgiveness, remember that someday you will need forgiveness yourself over something you've done. You will feel the same anguish and guilt as the person you're denying forgiveness. You can hurt a person with your non-forgiveness for only so long. Then they will just realize how narrow-minded and mean-spirited you are; and they will no longer feel any guilt for what they did to you. In-fact, they will feel that somehow you deserve to feel the pain they've inflicted. Not all things can be instantly forgiven; but you are still required to work towards regaining that freedom and power over your own feelings. You empower others to manipulate and control your emotions by letting them know how deep they can hurt you.
Forgiveness is hard sometimes; but from the point of giving it, you can free yourself from a problem to move forward. If you want to be stuck, go ahead. Harden your heart! If this person is as young as you are; remember that youth has resilience, and they will get-over you long before you get-over what happened to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 February 2020):
It's OK to not want to forgive someone.
But in the long run, YOU are the one who ends up bitter with a grudge.
Sometimes forgiving someone cab help YOU move forward too. But sometimes getting to that point takes time.
It's EASY to say "Oh I forgive you" but another to TRULY forgive.
Personally? I would look at it this way, does being angry, bitter and holding a grudge towards her, HELP you in your daily life?
If not, ACCEPT that this person made a BAD choice that broke your trust in them, it IS what it is. You CAN forgive them, it doesn't mean you are OK with what they did or that you want to continue to be friends. It's more of a "personal cleanse" so to speak. YOU forgive her so YOU can let go what what she did to you.
She is no longer a friend, being angry with her is pointless.
And remember this, EVERYONE (that means you too) makes mistakes. You will at some point to make blunders that hurt other people. Would you not want forgiveness when you realized what you had done to people you cared about?
Holding on to a grudge, is about pride. And you have to decide if PRIDE is more important than peace of mind and heart.
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