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female
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*atylouise
writes: My problem is a mixture and a build up of emotions and things that have happened in my life that I've not been able to come to terms with, I've tried my hardest over the years to forget the past but it's easier said than done, other things bad that happen just add to the problems already. I always feel down and upset. The problems are mainly due to men and they either try and use me and use sweet talking techniques or they say they want a relationship and then tell me a few weeks down the line that they actually just want fun. Every time a guy does this it makes my confidence lower and after each one I pick myself up but it feels like I'm on a downward spiral where men are concerned, I'm a nice girl and I'm genuine, why do guys do this? If I can find the answer to this then maybe everything will eventually fall into place......
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female
reader, Carina  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 The advice the answer below gives you is very true. The main problem you have is a lack of self-confidence, which may have started because of being treated badly by someone in the first place. It's difficult to break yourself out of this cycle but you need to focus on yourself first and not even think about men for a while.
When you have positive feelings about yourself it affects your behaviour and other people will respond to that behaviour positively. Start by thinking about who you really are in the core of yourself and what you really need and want from lfe. Write these things down. Then start setting yourself some goals, big or small, to achieve some of the things you want. Examples might be: getting fit, getting a more enjoyable job, learning something new, taking up a hobby etc. This will help you feel good about yourself.
Also write down all the positive qualities you have and all the things you've achieved. Look at this list every day. Start to realise what a great person you are and learn to love yourself. Realise your worth and that you deserve the best. You don't need these guys who treat you badly. They're not worth it. You're special and out there is someone who will recognise that too and who will be loving and caring. Don't settle for second best. Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): I think that when you've been through a lot of really hard stuff and haven't quite dealt with them and are in a messed up place you (you in general and not you specificly :) are more inclined to attract other messed up people and some of those messed up people will act out against others rather than acting out against themselves in the way that you seem to (with the low confidence and such).
It's easier said than done but a break from guys til you figure things out is the only way you'll find a decent guy that truly deserves you. I'm glad that even with all the crap from jerks you can still hold up your head and know that you're nice and genuine and that really you deserve better. Work on building up friendships with men for a while. It'll help you see that there are men who can really enjoy your personality and aren't out for the one thing and also that they aren't all jerks. Don't let any guy get anywhere with you in just a few weeks so that if he turns around and says he's only out for some fun it won't be such a harsh blow. Try not to let yourself care too strongly about someone you don't really know. Have reality checks with yourself regularly and accept that it takes time to build the kind of trust and respect between people that leads to good relationships and don't settle for anything less.
Good luck! xx
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