A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:do men always secretly want to have sex with other women when they are in a relationship/married...to be specific when they are in love with their partner. are the faithful men faithful because they are obliged to? is it that men have to control themselves in order to be faithful?i don't have anything against men ...but the way things happen around me..even some questions i see here by men makes me wonder.the practicality that men exhibit in comparison with women , so much so that they can completely separate love from sex, and have sex with someone else even while being deeply emotionally involved with one women ..it bothers me and has affected my psychology to some extent.i've had a lot of trust issues with my bf in too.he's not a very sensitive or attached guy and this really bothers me when it clearly shouldn't!please help Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2012): This idea that men are cheaters by nature and women being less prone to cheat is a fallacy. Women cheat just as much as men from my experience, especially when they reach the age around forty five when they get this urge because they don't know if they're "really happy", even when they have everything (kids, money, nice husband).
Monogamy is not natural, and humans were never programmed to be monogamous. The concept of marriage is deeply rooted in religious and cultural traditions, but that doesn't make it natural. That being said, if you make those marriage vows you should adhere to them, but if you feel this irresistible urge to find some "strange" then get a divorce.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Men can cheat, but women can also cheat, you shouldn't believe that all women are angels. In most relationships I know, it's the women who cheat (and hide it very successfully so nobody knows) rather than the men. Women can separate love from sex as well, it's just for a long time the world has said all women can do is stay at home, cook food and look after children. Now that women can work and have their own money, women do nearly everything that men do. It's only men that rape, does that mean that every man is a rapist. Your logic is faulty, you see a few examples and then decide that the whole planet must act in the same way, but you ignore the billions of decent people around you.
But yes, men can be absolutely faithful, and so can women. Some people will never cheat no matter what. Some people are so in love that no-one else can turn them on. You choose to only look at the stories about men who cheat on Dear Cupid, here take a look at this link, a lot of the women have husbands who don't have a single clue.. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html
If your boyfriend is not affectionate or loving and he gives you no reassurance, then don't stay with him. He's not the guy you want because he doesn't give you what you want. Leave him, with another guy you will probably not have this problem. But don't sit there frightened to live because of a few stories you've heard.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): if people are truly happy with their partners and their relationships and themselves, then they don't actually feel a desire to stray. People - men and women - who cherish their partners and the life they have together, find anything that threatens that abhorrent and thus they will not want to stray. people feel loyal to those whom they have a strong healthy bond with.
it's the people who are not happy with their partners or their relationships or themselves (or all three), who only stay faithful because they are obliged to and it's a drag to force themselves to stay faithful.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Men and women are exactly the same. I have had married women coming on to me and seen friends girlfriends with other guys too.
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A
male
reader, landomando  +, writes (22 February 2012):
Men do dream about secretly having sex with other woman. And girls do too. Faithful men are faithful because well they are in love. And they dont want to ruin that. So i think your bf is just using you for sex. It doesnt sound like he cares about you from that brief description but i can only assume he doesnt from what it sounds like. Hes the guy that is separating love from sex. and just in it for sex. If hes not attached to you he probably is not in love with you.
if you dont trust him, why are you with him? A relationship is built around trust. Without trust, it will never work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Men and women both have to control themselves to remain faithful.
It is called "self control", if you "don't think about it" and think that it won't happen if you don't think about it (infidelity), you may actually be at higher risk.
Why?
Because, one day someone comes on to you, tells you that you are "so hot" and "so smart" and "so desirable" and you are in a low point in your life, feeling down about yourself, and you have never thought about it and you honestly don't have any control or coping mechanism in your head to deal with the situation.
So, if you want to remain faithful, think about what it means to be faithful, and what it would really mean to be unfaithful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I had an ex who dedictated her life to finding men on the internet to have sex with behind my back. That does not mean every woman will do that, in fact hardly any will do that. I have not moved on under the belief it is going to happen again. If you carry on believing all men are the same, it will not lead to a peaceful life. If a man is well and truly in love with you, he will not want sex with other women.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): The best word to describe the male pursuit of sex is 'ruthless'.I have been deeply in love with one woman in my life, and am totally happy in every aspect of the marriage. However, one time when I was out and very drunk, I got chatting with a girl and spent the rest of the evening trying to get in her knickers. She wouldn't go any further than flirting and said things like, "if you weren't married I'd sh-g you senseless", "I fancy you but I respect your wife", but my primate brain refused to process what she was saying and continued trying it on regardless. In the end, she wound up screaming at me to get away from her.Needless to say, I felt more than a little remorseful the morning after. I'd say I'm fairly typically male, i.e. don't intend cheating and would feel terrible if I ever did, but also weak and VERY susceptible to being carried away by temptation in the heat of the moment.
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (22 February 2012):
 as a "faithful man" i believe it is a choice. You either decide to be loyal or you dont.
I believe if you want to see someone else you end your current relationship before starting a new one. Sadly my ex did not think as i do. Its not just men that cheat it is women too both sexes are as bad as each other. You just have to hope you choose wisely when letting someone into your heart.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 February 2012):
 It's pretty much a matter of survival....
Men can spread their seed (have intercourse resulting in pregnancy) often.... To do so ensures that their DNA is carried in to future generations.... We do this spreading cheerfully.
Women must invest 9 months in to bringing a new life in to the world.... and - once they've got one bun cooking - they're not available for a while.... Then, they nuture their offspring in effort to assist in a happy, healthy upbringing....
Anything other than what I've described above is a personal matter....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): "do men always secretly want to have sex with other women when they are in a relationship/married...to be specific when they are in love with their partner."
Nope, I don't want to have sex with anyone but my partner. I have imagined what sex would be like with other girls but never wanted anyone else.
"are the faithful men faithful because they are obliged to?"
Nope most of us remain faithful because we want to and don't want anyone else. I suppose there are plenty of guys that do so out of a sense of obligation or morals though.
"is it that men have to control themselves in order to be faithful?"
Some guys yeah. Most of us no. It's very easy to remain faithful for us guys when we're in love. I can't speak for all guys of course. It helps that most guys don't get approached by girls too, we have to actively pursue or set up the conditions of cheating. My girlfriend gets propositioned on average by at least 2-3 guys every time she's out clubbing. I may get one girl a month who makes moves on me.
OP statistically women cheat more than guys do. Women are statically more likely to cheat with a person of the same gender too. They also represent the highest number of people that are willing to sleep with another person's spouse.
You have to move past that idea OP and not see things so bleakly. I've been dating and in relationships for the past 18 years. I have never once cheated nor kissed anyone else, I have never known any of the girls I've been with cheat on me either (of course that's not to say they never have, but if I don't know then I prefer to assume it's never happened).
Trust issues with your boyfriend are something else. You need to go into more detail. Is it due to your insecurity or has he given you concrete reason other than the fact he's closed-off and emotionally detached?
If it's a simple case of a mix between his lack of passion and your insecurities then you need to find a way of moving past your insecurities and finding a way to make him a bit more involved with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): All mens brains are down below. If a woman offers it and the man is attracted to her I believe almost all will take it. There may not be no love or emotional connection, just plain sex. The men who may not act upon their desires are those who will not be able to cope with the guilt of being unfaithful and the hurt it would cause the person they loved.
I personally do not trust any men. I believe that there maybe someone who loves me and we have a deep emotional connection but I will also believe if he has a chance he will take it. With this belief I protect myself from hurt. I just pray that he is sensible enough to use precaution.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Sadly, there's a lot of near-truth in your concerns. Men have sexual fantasy off and on all the time whereas women rarely think about sex. The deepness of love has little to do with the fantasy "machine" that just rolls on through the male brain. Aside from that though, men can still be monogomous and not actually act on their fantasys. Once we realize the fantasy for what it is we can conciously redirect our mind to more realistic goals. So that's the good news and bad news wrapped up in one old guy's opinion.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): I believe men have just as much ability to have self-control as women. It goes both ways and both sexes choose their infidelities. This whole notion of men needing to "spread their seed" is complete BS. If you truly love someone, you will do everything in your power to care for their heart. You would not have need to go looking to anyone else to fill you in those ways, sexually or emotionally. Sure, people look and fantasize, but when it comes down to it, it's about the care one person has for another. If you don't really love and care for that person, you're going to do what you want to fill the impulses you have. And again, it's simply a lack of self-control, and some people just refuse to use it.
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