A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Thanks in advance for any advice given!I am in a sad place right now and really could do with some opinions from a mans point of view and also a womans if you have been in the same situation.Up until a couple of weeks ago I was dating a guy 6 years younger than me - we had been dating 6 months but nothing heavy because he didnt want a full on relationship only casual - I will admit, I struggled with that but accepted it as we said let it take its own path and take things slowly. (I must point out at this stage, I had been single 3 years, through choice, busy with work and comfortable with life without the need of a man, so was happy not to rush things).After a few times of going out for meals and to bars, I noticed a change in his behaviour when we were out in public, almost like he was wound up by something. I then decided to ask him why he acted this way, and his reply was, he didnt like men staring at me, he said its ok for a man to look, but when they stare, knowing you are with a guy, its disrespectful to another man.Now fast forward a few months and guess what? He has ended it, and the reason for it was that he didnt like the male attention I attracted and that it has just simply pushed him away! Thing is, I could understand if I wore hardly any clothing when I went out, or I flirted, but in actual fact I am a very quietly confident person who simply dresses classy and stylish and just basically takes pride in her appears and I have never given him any reason to doubt my trust. Its hard for me to admit this, because I am a very modest person, but yes, I do get men looking at me but that is all it is.He on the other hand is a very confident man, some would say arrogant with a huge ego too and he does appear to get a thrill from women fancying him - so why did he struggle to deal with this and choose to end it on that basis? I made it quite clear to him not so long ago that my feelings were growing stronger for him so at no point did he have any reason to feel I wasnt interested in him, but he still continued to say he only wanted casual and wasnt ready for a relationship. (he has only ever had one serious relationship which lasted 4 years and that was many many years ago), so I put it down to being set in his ways, or struggles with committment. When he finished it a few weeks ago, we agreed perhaps its best to have no contact for 7 days and see about trying again. After the 7 days I contacted him.... it killed me to leave it any longer because I really had fallen for him. Now this is where I am struggling again.... When I contacted him, he actually said, sorry, I have met someone else whilst we had no contact and I have started a relationship! But he never ever wanted casual so what is all that about??This has all had a huge impact on my confidence... I keep thinking, what did I do so wrong? Over the last week I have started having panic attacks and I am even struggling to make a simple visit to the shops. My confidence as hit rock bottom. I cant get him out of my head - we are still in touch too, and I know I need to cut him off completely but its hard. Apart of me also thinks he has made the new woman up, why? to knock my confidence, make me feel unattractive? I really don't know how I am going to get my confidence back and move on and forget him - I am hurting!
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Yes I'd say he had a huge ego and I'd be willing to bet you were more attractive than he was and that huge ego could not stand being in your shadow. It had nothing to do with anything you did wrong. In a sense he was competing with you. Here's something interesting I've learned about some male ego's (not all but some). When a man is "confident" as you say, it's usually arrogance. In every relationship there will always be one person that brings a certain "pouf" into the mix and the other one will always be in their shadow. My guess is, your b/f was used to being the "Pouf" in most of his former relationships so he felt in control. Suddenly you came along and you were the "pouf" and he couldn't handle it. His insecurity led him to believe if you were desired by other men, at some point it would probably go to your head and you would cheat on him. He felt like he'd have to "guard" you 24/7 to keep that from happening, and frankly that was just too exhausting. So he broke up and wasted no time finding another woman who would bask in his shadow. The male ego can be very complicated especially if you unaware of the imaginary game of chess that's going on in his head. You're better off anyhow. You would have had to spend hours and hours convincing him over and over there was nothing going on with that handsome man at the bar that suddenly decided to buy you a drink. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): The reason you broke up was because he got another bird. No analysis or looking for reasons will change that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): This is the same lame excuse my ex use to make he also dumped me but then i met a great guy whom i have been dating for 17 months i ended it with him as the ex came back in the picture that was short lived 3 weeks it lasted i contacted my new boyfriend explained how confused i had been and said i was sorry he forgave me and things have been great ever since this being because my current boyfriend is not insecure and loves that other men are looking at me when were out as he is the one who takes me home at night find yourself a man who isnt insecure problem solved
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): He had this lady lined up, its just the way he is,you just have to look at his relationship history to see that. He said he wanted casual with you,he meant it.
It isn't a refelection on you, you just wanted what he didn't want to give. You know your attractive,you know men look at you, you know you dress well, but that doesn't mean HE had to see you as long term.
Put it down to experience,stop all contact he's not worth your time,and remember all the men that DO find you attractive...
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I think this guy is insecure as hell. Hes in a sense putting u down by making up the other woman and blaming u for men staring. He does not know how to deal with that so he backs out. Really thats petty. If some guy looked at my lady id walk up to him n confront n tell him calmly i feel disrespected. Yeah get him out of ur head. Move on. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Ignore what he's said. Look at his actions.
He ran from you because he didn't want a relationship, and you did. He got upset because he had feelings for you he was scared of. Of course, people looking at you shouldn't upset him if he's only being casual, wouldn't you think? (I'm being sarcastic). A guy who only wants a casual friends with benefits doesn't act like a dog guarding its bone.
He ran because he is immature. he hasn't dealt with the pain of his past breakup and wants to be in control. The moment his own feelings and yours started steering him towards exclusivity and a relationship, he bolted. Yet his fear at being alone urged him to re-start the cycle, hence his new girlfriend.
Give them 6 months or less, and he'll dump her too.
As for you, remember, if a guy says he only wants casual, take him at his word, move on, and find an adult.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 February 2012):
 I don't think it was men staring at you he couldn't handle, I think it was YOU being a beautiful confident women that he had a hard time dealing with.
You didn't do anything wrong.
Maybe he started seeing her before he broke up with you? But making the break up seem like it was ALL your fault. Could be the woman is a figment of his imagination, to make him seem irresistible and at the same time make you feel like crap. Either way honey, you need to let that one go, he seems like a tool.
Stop talking to him. If you keep in touche you are fooling yourself into thinking that MAYBE he will wake up and realize he made a mistake, but honey he won't, he just too dense to realize that.
Cut the contact 100%.
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A
female
reader, VaultKeeper22  +, writes (22 February 2012):
 This is hard but you really have to face the fact that he does not love or want you anymore. Seek out friends who can support you while going through the hurt. The hurt will soon pass,it always does.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 February 2012):
 Here's the skinny on your situation:
Your man thought you were hot... and that viewpoint was validated by the attention that you got from those other men.... HOWEVER, he was not being intimate with you... by HIS CHOICE, accorting to you....
THEN, he found a girl who was anxious to put out for him... and no self-respecting guy can resist that... so he made up the excuse to dump you and got on with this new girl....
Hope this clarifies this matter for you....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): Hi There,Sorry for the sad situation you find yourself in...The fact that he has had a 4 year relationship before shows that he does not necessarily have a fear of commitment, but maybe it's fear of being hurt again.His reason for ending your relationship are because of the attention you attract from other men? I wonder if this happened in the previous serious relationship? He can't handle it and would rather end it, than deal with it. He may need counselling.Also, it could also be that you may be PERFECT, but not perfect for HIM? Maybe he wasn't ready to settle into something serious, and being around you he began to change his thinking, and during the time you broke up, he met someone that is more his type? Don't let this dent your self esteem - there may be 1000 of men who would want you exactly as you are, but you may not want them either? It would be childish for him to lie and say he has someone else just to ensure you two don't continue in future. However, time will tell especially as you are still in contact.The best you can do for now is get back to who you were before he came along: the strong, confident, busy, comfortable single lady who was happy not to rush things. As you focus on your career (take on more projects if you must) and get job satisfaction, you will feel better. Be around true friends, and build your self esteem again. It's NOT YOU, it's him. Google articles on building self esteem and confidence again, and continue to be yourself because there was nothing wrong with you. He got scared, and he changed. If you love him and want to wait, be patient and see what unfolds. If you are too hurt and want to move on, then I would suggest cutting all contact so you can focus on YOU, and not allow him to hurt you further, and mess with your confidence, self esteem and who you are.You sounded like a happy single lady, and he has done a number on you - so we need to get you back to single and happy, so the RIGHT ONE FOR YOU can win you :) someone worthy of all you have to offer, just as you are!Wishing you Happiness with a real man.xxxx E
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2012): This aint another dating site disaster is it? Whatever, you have no choice but to forget him. He aint into you, whatever his excuses are. I think he met the girl while he was with you and then dumped you for her. He's full of shit and you surely can do better.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (22 February 2012):
 7 days and he`s with someone else? No, I think she will have been on the scene from time and is the reason for your break up.
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