A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Its almost the end of 2010. In February of this year, my girlfriend admitted to me on a drunken night, two guys took advantage of her and they both had sex with her within minutes. Since she told me, I in returned confessed that I had cheated on her too, with two other people as well. If she didn't confess to me I probably still wouldn't have told her and might still be cheating now.So I kinda look at the situation as karma and a very serious lesson learned. The problem is, she so easily forgave me and gave me trust. But me, a year later am STILL having trouble dealing with this battle inside my head. I can't get the image out of my head of two guys screwing her doggy style. She went out to drink because "I never let her" "I'm controlling" Well, look what happens when you do go drink. Sorry I don't like a drunk mess. :( ugg its hard, we were best friends for two years before we started dating and on top of everything I know EVERYTHING about her. All 12 other guys she slept with before me. It's so hard. I know every little detail. I never opened up with her about my sexual activity when we were friends. But I know every detail, every guys shes had sex with. RUN into some of these guys are parties. It's so hard.Some days we are good and the next, horrible. The image of a SLUT just enters my head.She was sexualy abused as a child and I try to understand that, as a child that probably really messed her up in the head and confused a 7 year old girl with sex.UGGGGGGGGGGGGG any advice? :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): To the people that responded, it really means a lot that you read my problems and responded so fast.
I believe just reading some of the things you guys wrote, made me smile and I already feel better about the situations.
I was Sober when I did the two acts of cheating and each to his own, but thats worse then being drunk I guess.
AND YESS to just wanting to Protect Her! its a scary controlling factor that I NEVER had until I started dating. This protectiveness and worry about the one you love. Weather its a "controlling boyfriend" and there is no excuse but it is out of love.
Shes delt with the child molestion very well. I do agree with the random sex was a way of dealing with that, but when we were just friends she broke down to me and her family about it, and is such a strong person, because like she forgave me so easily about cheating, she forgave this uncle of hers for hurting her so bad in the past.
She's a very strong person and Im re-realizing that as Im writing this now.
Thank you guys so much, it means a lot that you read and wrote back :)
happy holidays!
A
female
reader, Princess Aunty  +, writes (23 December 2010):
So start with, let me tell you that your girlfriend love you a loads as she confessed it to you that she have had sex with two guys. Trust me, this is very difficult for a girl to tell this to her boy [as it was for you since maybe you would have never confessed to her that you had cheated on her if she has not confessed about hers] but she did it simply because she did not want to hide anything from you. I think you should appreciate this side of her.
Secondly i seriously think that you should not categorized this act of hers as cheating. Because she was not in her real state when she was doing this. In other words it is as if she was not herself at that moment and her full consent was not present. Also what would have been best to call that cheating is if she had not confessed that to you and has hidden it from you. This is what can be best described cheating.
Ok so she trusted you again because she has full faith in you and believe that you will never repeat the same mistake. I know that is kinda difficult for you to forget this but you should try by looking at how she loves you, how much she trusted you and so on.
And as for her being sexually abused, its not her mistake after all. If you does not support her in such a moment, she'll be lost..
You love her truly? Then you should see her as a perfect girl and forget her past because you are her future
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2010):
 You are viewing her as her past and not as the person you claim was your best friend and that you love. I see your issue from two angles, the first being the guys themselves and doing what they did with her, the second is of the protector and what when she was being hurt and taken advantage of, you weren't able to be there to stop it from happening. Does that sounds about right?
As guys, having our girl, from dating to marriage to having a daughter, we assumably should be protecting them from sexual harm. But in reality, we can't protect our gal from everything. I know how that is. I have daughters, and I've been with gals who have been raped and molested when they were young. I know how that hurts. Also when looking at her past experience with these other guys, that was before you, and the hurt comes from the same area of compassion, or desire, in other words wanting to have been the one experiencing with her, instead of the other guy.
Do you love her? Can you love her and not judge her for her past, but love her for who she is today, in this moment being there with you? You are being hard and unfair to her. Her forgiving you and trusting you is the right way to treat someone you want to be with. Open yourself up and realize shit happens, but she is with you. She has chosen you over these guys she's been with in the past. She forgave you, when she could have taken off and said see ya. As you said, you may have still been cheating if you hadn't come clean. In every moment you are with her, I want you to focus on her, and know the love you have for her. The time you spend focusing on her past, is time you take away from loving her. Act as if you two are the only ones that exist, and forget about the rest. She forgave you and you haven't left her, so consider yourself lucky that you two have this opportunity to have another chance.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): Well, first off you are a cheater so get off the judgment seat about "slut" definitions.
Secondly, she needs counseling if she was abused a child and is now drinking herself into oblivion and having random sex in such a manner.
She might want to take this quiz. http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm
She might also want to consider that this may get a lot worse if she doesn't get help now, and 12 partners may morph into 300 partners in a few years if she can't constructively deal with the childhood sex abuse. Sex, drugs, and alcohol are how a lot of people who have been abused deal with painful memories.
On the other hand, you took advantage of her and cheated on her more than once, you are part of the ongoing abuse she has entered into. The best thing is for her to get counseling, and probably for you to not be in the picture.
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