A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 25-year-old man who has Cerebral Palsy. I have been with my 26-year-old girlfriend, who also has Cerebral Palsy, for over 5 years. The relationship between ourselves is great and we really love each other. We are soul mates who met in our GNVQ Advanced IT class.However, we can never meet because her parents are very protective. This is because she is their only child, sex and pregnancy could potentially kill her (I don’t want sex from her), her parents are in their 60’s and high class, and they don’t particularly like other disabled people. In addition, her ex-boyfriend was a very insecure man who used to demand sex and used to bang on the family door.Because of the insecurities of being disabled, being unable to communicate and be assertive, and because she relies so much on her family, my girlfriend is unable to say what she wants if she feels it may upset somebody. Even I need to make sure she is telling me what she wants because she was brought up to accept what people say and not argue. She tried telling her parents that she wants to be my ‘friend’ but even when she mentions just friendship alone, her parents shout her down and she effectively has to hide in the corner. It is important to note that we are 3 foot high in our wheelchair and when somebody 6 foot tall is shouting at us, it’s very intimidating and scary.My girlfriend now lives in her own place with 24 hour Personal Assistance. Her PAs have been warned that if she has contact with men, they will be fired. We also live 150miles apart, which isn’t a problem within itself but does mean we can’t meet for a quick coffee. We can only communicate online.At the moment, we feel that our only options are to forfeit our relationship, take legal action against her parents, she moving to me, or to wait for a miracle. Taking legal action against her parents is not on our minds because she only has her parents to help her and it’ll be a strain on their health, for her to move will take a lot of work, a bigger home, and to get the support to do this. Which leaves the other 2 options.I guess what we really would like is to regularly meet for a few days with the aim of living together and have a loving, non-sexual relationship. At this time, this seems impossible. There is also a worry that she’ll have nobody in later life because her parents won’t be here forever. I hope there’s a solution out there. Anyone? I just want to be with her.
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disabled, her ex, insecure, soul mates, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 February 2007):
 Keep in touch and let me know how things go okay? Keep thinking positive always and things will change for you, you'll see!
Eve
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I'll do this.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 February 2007):
Then for now love the best way is to just continue being her friend in email. If her parents have such a big hold over her the way you say they do then there is no alternative. She can't just walk out and do her own thing unfortunately, which I'm sure is VERY frustrating for her. For now, as long as you can still communicate with her and her with you then that's as good as it's going to get until her parents are no longer here. (Sounds pretty pessimistic but I fear, true nevertheless.)
I wish you both the very best in your future and hope that you will continue to have the strong bond you have and one day, be able to meet and even be together.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has emailed them 3 times. I guess that they just do not treat her thoughts as equal. "We are your parents and you do what we say" kind of thing. She is very scared of conflict. She feels "if I say this then they will shout at me and hate me" kind of thing. I do encourage her to speak to me and say what's on her mind but even I need to say what I think she's thinking for her to say "your right".
She is mentally and physically a very fragile woman. This is because her parents shut her away from the community, she has no social or assertiveness skils. So, she is still "their child", unfortunately. She wants out but can't cope with the disruption this would cause.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 February 2007):
Then I suggest you keep at it and be her friend for now. I'm sure she'll be able to get through to her parents soon enough. They have to understand she is a grown woman now and she DESERVES to be happy. Can she not write them an email if that's the best way she can communicate with them? She needs to TELL them she's a grown woman and NOT a little child any more!
If you truly love one another then you WILL be together eventually, you just need to keep at it.
I wish you both all the best.
Eve
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, she didn't dump me for emailing, she dumped me because her parents made her. Also, where I mention child, she is 26. I meant her parents see her as their child.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes. I did an email, which kicked this off. She just dumped me because of it. Probably her dad shouting and scaring her until she gave up. I'm a man, they hate men, they don't listen to me, her daughter is just a child. However, my girlfriend has been digging them for over 5 years and taking major risks to meet me. So, I won't quit on her.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (4 February 2007):
Would you be able to move over there to be with her? Why don't you write a letter to her parents explaining to them that you don't want a sexual relationship with their daughter but you do have a lot of feelings for her and would love to be friends with her. You seem a very intelligent man with a good head on his shoulders. Explain to them that as a person with cerebal palsy, you can "connect" with their daughter. Tell them you have nothing but the utmost respect for her and would never do anything to hurt her but she (like you) deserves to have a close friend and companion to make her happy.
Writing a letter like this to her parents lets them see a lot about you. Remember, she had a boyfriend in the past who seemed very abusive to her and her parents only want to protect her. They may even see you as just another selfish male wanting to use her and have sex with her then dumping her and breaking her heart in the process.
I really commend you for wanting to work this out and I think a letter, worded carefully, explaining that you only have her happiness in mind would be an excellet way to show their parents that there ARE some gentlemen left in this world.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes.
Eve
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