A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:im 15. my parents caught me meeting my boyfriend twice at my house when my parents werent home. hes 19. the second time we got caught my dad beat him and slapped me twice and tied out heads together with a belt and almost threw us out together but my mom stopped him and they called his mom and told her everything. they're kicking me out of the house if i do anything or get in trouble again for anything. he cant call or come or see me ever again. if he does they're putting him in jail or something. it all happened in 3 hours last night. and im grounded for 2 years until i graduate from high school. help! what do i do? im thinking about moving out. and im 15!
View related questions:
in jail Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): I'm stunned at the lack of empathy some of our aunts have elected to display towards you. Your dad TIED YOUR HEADS TOGETHER WITH A BELT - how sick is that? Whatever about a slap or punch thrown in a moment of rage, his response is indefensible on every level.
I realise that moving out at age 15 is probably not practical. So you're stuck in a nasty situation for the time being, with a pair of (I assume 40-ish) parents, who as many teenagers can testify, often behave far more irrationally, insanely and unreasonably than most teenagers ever do.
I would implore you to ignore Hijacked-Dignity's assertion that your boyfriend 'deserved every hit he got from your dad'....you don't state in your post whether you were having sex, and even if you were, there's a right response and a wrong response.
If 'his house rules' permit him to tie two teenagers' heads together with a belt, then it's a house that you would do very well to get out of as soon as possible. Grounding you for two entire years while simultaneously threatening to kick you out of the house at age 15...yep, they sound like quite a few parents I can think of. Utterly, cluelessly ill-equipped for the 'teenage' part of the parenting gig.
'My mom stopped him'...I'd be curious to know how she felt about his actions. Parents often have a tendency to close ranks like career cops and unquestioningly back one another up on EVERYTHING, but if you suspect she may be a bit more sympathetic if approached on her own, it's maybe worth considering.
More generally, I'd be keen to know what the atmosphere is like at home now that the initial shock has subsided, how good your relationship with your parents is in general, and whether you reckon the situation has potential to improve. (A 'sorry for hitting you' from your dad might be a promising start.)
As for your boyfriend, it's a tricky one. At age 19, he would certainly seem to me to be too old to be going out with a 15-year-old girl (much here depends on your relative maturity levels) and if you're having sex, he IS breaking the law. We haven't got enough info to judge. But if you are in love, or think you are, please also ignore the poster who identified your boyfriend's ability to afford diamond rings and buy his own house as the salient factors in deciding whether he's right for you.
Best of luck, keep us posted, and take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionby the way..im not moving in with this boyfriend of mine. we are done with and i dont wanna go back and cuase more trouble
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Those who are saying that the guy could or should go to jail for statutory rape are making an assumption that sex was involved. Perhaps that is true, but where does anyone see that sex happened? As I see it from the legal end, the father has more chance of going to jail than the 19 year old boyfriend given what we know so far. He committed assault, while the boyfriend was just there. It is going to be a lot easier to prove assault than it is to prove rape if some time has passed before any investigation.
As I see it, everyone has made a mistake. The OP has made a mistake of dating a guy who is too old for someone who is 15. The boyfriend has made the same mistake and one that has the potential to get him into legal trouble if sex is ever involved. The father made the mistake of assaulting someone and perhaps child abuse, depending on the laws of that state. The only thing to do at the moment is to allow things to calm down and not to do anything that will aggravate any of the people involved. To the OP, don't see the boyfriend and don't think of moving out unless you want more than 2 years of misery. It is unlikely that you will be in a position to finish school. If your father continues to hit you then you need to tell someone in authority, like a guidance counselor.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 August 2009):
 Dear 15,
You have a bad situation here. One, in America you can't just beat people. It's assault in your boyfriends case, and child abuse in your case. What your parents can do, in some states, is file statutory rape charges against your boyfriend. A judge could put him in jail. That's the legal picture.
Now, the question is, What is Dad's goal. He wants you to be safe. Is he going to get that by his actions? No. If you move out you won't be safe. If he presses charges on the boy, you will likely rebel and want him more. If he grounds you, you will find a way around it. If he beats you, he is become the danger to your safety.
So what should he do? He can love you, teach you the correct principles, point out good and bad examples, and hope for the best.
It may seem that I am critical of your Father. I see that he has made a mistake. I am a father, I have teenage daughters. This kind of thing scares me. I don't want you to think I am excusing your actions. It is not good for 15 year old girls to date 19 year old boys. Bad things happen. Things much worse than being caught by dad. I am glad to see that you do see some of the limitations of your age.
It is my sincere belief that most American girls your age need to be told that they are not as mature as they think they are.
FA
I see on second review that I haven't answered your question. What do you do?
I would think that some long term thinking and planing are in order. Decide what your really want. Decide if your current Boy can really help you get it. Does he have his own place, without roommates. Can he buy you a nice diamond ring. Does he have a job with a future that will allow him to buy a house in the next 5 years or so. Moving in with him implies all this. As a guy I am very suspicious of 19 year old high school guys who are dating high school girls. I have to think about their motives, and why they don't have older girlfriends. I would not advise moving out and I would not advise your parents threatening kicking you out. Oh, I'm just worried for you. Worried that you will think I am just trying to split you up, and then you won't listen to any thing I've said. Take the long view before you make a move. please.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (19 August 2009):
 It's his house. You knew the rules. The guy is nineteen so he deserved every hit from your dad for messing around with a fifteen year old girl. To top it all off, he should go to jail. What he did is illegal, isn't it? As for you, you deserve to be grounded until you are legal. Then he can really kick you out of the house. As for you moving out? You have already messed up not once, but twice. You should stay at home and realize that your parents are right in the right in this situation. If you leave your house, chances are you'll drop out of school, and you'll really have no future.Unless it's your plan to end up pregnant, living with your boyfriend who you legally aren't supposed to be with, and working at fast food for the rest of your life. Your choice.
...............................
|
