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age
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anonymous
writes: OK, I know this question is going to sound creepy to some of you. For the other, more open-minded married women, I’m interested in what you have to say.My wife and I have been together, exclusively, for 25+ years, married for 20+. We have kids, who are now teenagers. My wife is a professional at the top of her industry, so she’s a very busy lady, but she does her best (which is very good) to be an outstanding mother to our children.We take our marriage vows seriously, as in “forsaking all others.” So there’s no cheating, no internet flirting, or any other such stuff.We respect each other. But, between the fact that she’s tired from her work, and that our teenagers stay up later than she does, there’s seldom the combination of her being awake and interested, and us having enough privacy, so sex is at best a once-a-month thing.That’s not often enough for me, not by a long way. Sometimes it seems like the only way I can get into her panties is to take them from the hamper.We’re not people who talk about sex. I would have to imagine that she knows that once-a-month isn’t enough for me, and the logical next step is that I masturbate. It’s not discussed, which is fine. But I do on occasion take her used panties as a masturbation aid. I’m discreet – if I haven’t made them noticeably more crusty, I return them to the hamper much as how I found them. Otherwise I add them to other laundry, wash them, and return them clean and folded to her drawer. This is not an ‘in your face’ thing. I’m certainly not sending her a message. By no means do I want her to know about it.However, by the law of averages, eventually I’m going to get caught. My question is, under the circumstances, how freaked/creeped out would you be? Is this something you could live with?
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female
reader, Yawzah  +, writes (3 October 2009):
Honestly I can understand about communication issues. Sooo, I suggest you write her a heartfelt letter explaining your needs, and it's not about sex.It's easier and you can reread prior to letting her have it. Tell her how much you love her and your family, and that you are totally devoted but you have needs, and you want to be with only her.
Find a book also, there's so many of them out there that can help. Dr Phil has a good one.
She should read also. Yes she's tired, and perhaps you need to take the reins as far as your children go..lessening her stress level.
Just thoughts, best wishes!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your reassuring replies. I appreciate your sensitivity.
Should we be talking more? Yes. But our communication has always sucked. I doubt that's going to change after all these years. Trust me, she really doesn't want to hear about it. On stuff like this, she's very 'don't ask, don't tell.'
Yes, we should be doing better about getting away on our own. We do try, but only succeed once or twice a year. Our kids are a handful -- there aren't very many people willing to take them on, and to be honest I don't trust them (or at least their friends) to be home alone.
Again, thank you very much for taking the time to read and reply.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 October 2009):
 I seriously think this would depend on the woman. For me personally, I wouldn't get freaked out - provided you were washing them. I think I would be flattered, to be honest! But, I agree with the first poster, I think you need to do something about the big picture and the real issue.
I think you need to make more effort to get some time alone and some privacy... book a hotel room, get out of town, maybe send the kids out with money for pizza and a movie, or see if they can all spend the night elsewhere. You need to make time for you, your wife and your relationship! Your marriage is just as important as careers and kids, so you should be prioritizing it just as much. Why not make every other Friday "Date Night", and go out to a movie or to dinner or bowling together? Something fun so that you can enjoy just being with each other? Or even something as simple as locking the door and giving her a nice, long massage. If she's exhausted, she'll appreciate it.
Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah  +, writes (3 October 2009):
I'm not married but I guess it wouldn't freak me out if my husband used my undies that way unless he ruined my favourite pair!
I do think that you and your wife need to talk about this. You can't presume that she knows that once a month is not enough for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Tell her. Why not. She might even find it a turn on. Or she will throw away all her panties and buy fresh ones and lock them up, what do I know. What creeps me out isnt that you use her panties, but that you keep it a secret from her and that you feel unable to talk about sex with your wife. You should be comfortable enough with each other to openly discuss any matter. I hate it if my husband went behind my back with things and felt that he couldn't tell me (which of course, theres no way for me to say he isnt).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): I think you are doing what you can to maintain your loyalty to your wife which is to be looked upon positively - if doing this is your way then that is fine. You don't need to feel bad about it. However I do think you need to tackle the issue of not having sex enough. Its great you still want your wife in this way as many marriages go stale but if you cannot find the time you need to make the time or get out of the house. Book a hotel room for the night? Get away for the weekend? There are options but you need to take the lead and you need to discuss it with her and be proactive - tell her you want her but feel you want to be physically close more often.
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