A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have 3 kids under the age of 7 and I work part time. I am pretty exhausted chasing the kids, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and have lost my sex drive for the past 9 months. I am concerned that it will never come back like it used to be. I am still pretty thin and in good shape, but I just don't feel sexy anymore.Since the recession hit, my husband works really long hours and I know that as a man he needs to release every day, so I help him take care of that each day. We haven't had intercourse in about 8 months. Instead I lay next to him and rub his testicles while he masturbates. Sometimes I will suck them too. He seems to be okay with this for now, but have other couples gone through this? Is this enough "sex" for a guy in his 20's? I know the old joke about how sex stops after marriage... only its not a joke. I don't want to be the frigid wife. Should I just lay down and let him go for a ride once in a while and just fake orgasms?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2009): i am a mother, a wife, a friend, take the kids to school and back, run errands, cook and entertain (no housework though). basically a full day BUT i make it a priority to still be intimate with my hb. as women we need to know what to prioritise, so what if there are dirty dishes to wash ,leave them, get down and dirty with your man. so what if the ironing is piling up, spend that time with your man. so what if the kids want your undivided attention. just put on a movie to keep them busy.
juggle your day so that you MAKE TIME for your man. you are lucky that he still comes home toyou (is faithful). you need to change your attitude. i know taking care of everything is exhausting but you need to fulfill your duties as a wife and that includes FULL SEX. you do not have to orgasm all the time, as long as you start enjoying it. slowly get in the swing of things. i am not telling you to abandone your duties as a mum but telling you to start prioritising your role as a wife.
good luck, you are young and healthy. make the changes .it will be worth it. when he comes home tonight let him have a surprise of his life. prepare yourself. have a bath, put on sexy clothes and make it a night to remember. he will say wow. you will also get pleasure and don't feel guilty about indulging. the rest of the chores will just have to wait.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): i couldnt have said it better than the previous aunties. As the mother of 7 i have been in your shoes. It is not enough for a man, because altho they arent as emotionally needy as we women, he still NEEDS the emotion. It is the diffence in making love and sex and there is a difference. I dreaded it so much at times but found that if i would just try, my body would respond in spite of myself and i would enjoy. The few times i didnt/wasnt able to enjoy it i didnt pretend. Looking back i deeply regret not making more of an effort. It was at this time in our lives, when we began date night. That did help. We didnt have much money but it was special couple time. Now the kids are growing up and leaving and my marriage is good. I would say it was well worth it. Hang in there, it gets better. I promise. ;)
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Also, if you feel overwhelmed by your workload, then you should cut down on your workload, reorganize all the chores and maybe quit your part-time job. Cut down on bills so you don't have to work part-time AND raise three little ones. Look what bills you have that you don't need or could go without. Cable bill? What about cutting that out, and using the time spent watching TV to spend together in the bedroom. Cell bill? Cut it out. It's really not necessary. Always buying brand names? Start buying generic. Always have to get designer fashions? Change your attitude. Shop goodwill, and be happy about your extra time together. I say all this because I think a lot of times people get lost in all the different details of their life and they forget to make a priority about what is important until it is too late. Don't let it happen to YOU. I think it is skating on thin ice to let your sex life get as slow as you've allowed yours to get.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (7 October 2009):
1) Don't ever fake an orgasm.
2) Sex is important in marriage. It is not good to not have sex for such a long time. You should have sex at least once a week even if you think you're not going to be that into it. You might get into it in the middle of it. Or not. Either way, I don't think that it is right to deprive your husband of sex for 9 months just because you don't particularly feel like it. Once a week is not too much to do something that you say you don't want to do, but which is important to your husband. Unless sex is hurting your or its painful or something, this 9 month cycle needs to stop. It will not be good for your marriage. And last but not least, you need to WORK on your sex life and make it a priority. Even though you have three children, it is a huge mistake to allow your sexlife to go on the backburner. Find things that turn you on, so that when you are having sex, you are doing it because you want to do it, not just for him. Get creative together. Dress up in costumes, use oils lotions, relax take your time, use lube, etc.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Find people to take the kids a couple of times a week. Baby-sitters, friends who will take them overnight and that you can "swap" and take their kids overnight.
Find relatives to watch then children. Whatever it takes to get some time so that the two of you can be alone and enjoy sex together rather than just masturbation.
It seems pretty clear that you're tired because of all the work you do, he's probably too tired to enjoy sex other than the quick release.
Just find a way to buy time and spend it in a way that's meaningful to both of you.
Kids can put an incredible strain on a relationship because they do take up a lot of time and energy. But if you can manage the children more efficiently, then you can manage to make more time for yourselves. That's all.
And by the way, your sex drive will come back.
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A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (7 October 2009):
 I agree wholeheartedly with Lola1's excellent advice. First, never ever ever fake an orgasm. It will come back to haunt you in the future in the form of broken trust and distance between you. But you sound like you need some couple's time.
Go on dates somehow, make some time for romance, and even consider exchanging things other than intercourse. You can do oral for each other, or use toys, or just get away and see if a night away from home, in a hotel outside of town after some time along the boardwalk spices anything up.
Fatigue and stress hurt libido, but the more you have sex, the more you want sex. Sounds like you're in a rut. Sometimes, you just have to start it and get in the middle of some sex before you really start to enjoy it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): The other respondant gave great advice. Don't fake orgasms.... it leads to distrust. Simply say that you are enjoying it but it just isn't wokring this time to get you off.
Texting dirty messages can be pretty hot too!
My wife put a different nude picture of her inside my sandwich each day for a week along with a note saying what we would do when I got home from work. (it was wrapped in plastic wrap). After the first day I didn't eat plastic again:)
Get your mind into it again and you'll find it will help a lot. You need to hire a baby sitter once in a while too like Lola1 suggested.
And sorry but no. A guy in his 20's need to cum at least twice a day.... and inside a vagina several times a week. Although you are massaging his balls and that feels great, there is a lack of intiamcy there that only comes with being inside a girl.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 Never fake an orgasm. ;-)
If you can feel sexy again, your sex drive will improve. Try shaking things up a bit. I know not everyone is interested in sex toys or porn, but they can help. Your husband may give you a massage or pour you a bath. You could take turns giving each other erotic massages and/or bathe together.
Do you have family or friends who could babysit once in a while? It's important for couples with children to have "grown-up time". Sex is not the only way to be intimate and if emotional intimacy and/or romance is gone, sex dries up, too.
Also, sometimes people have sex and don't orgasm. They can still enjoy the act. Sometimes I am tired, but once I get started I forget I was tired and have a good time.
Apply some creativity and see if you can get aroused. Why not let him masturbate you while you masturbate him. Why not put some porn on in the background while you start by playing with him, play with yourself or play with each other?
Send each other dirty text messages. You’d be surprised how SENDING the text can start to get you in the mood. If you don’t text, leave a dirty note in his lunch box or car. Something he’ll discover on his own that will get his imagination going.
The bottom line is keeping things interesting. How you define what works for you both is up to you.
Good luck.
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