A
female
age
41-50,
*readawn
writes:Confused!I am 33 years old, been with my husband for 12 years- married for 5 years-no children. Our marriage is not good-we have not had sex for almost a year and before that is was twice a years-continually got less and less throughout the years. He always pushing me away and makes excuses as to why we cannot have sex-my back hurts, i;m tired, or just ignores my advances. we argue constantly over in-laws (he is a momma's boy)and money, or lack of sex. He is the only man i have ever slept with. Ok here we go i am depressed and unhappy-i feel my husband does not respect me or appreciate me. I went to a sports event-do not want to mention the sport- but i met someone there and there was an instant attraction on my part-and i think on his part as well- he sat at the table with me and asked me how old i was,etc.. and causually touhed my back as he went around me-he is a very quiet guy. i cannot stop thinking about him-i as wondering what is would be like to be intimate with him-would he hold me and be gentle with me? would he really like me once he got to know me? or does he just like the way I look? or am i just being desperate! My husband has never held me after sex or cuddled and does not even sleep in the bed with me-also due to his occupation he is only home on the weekends-about 36 hours. he has also hit me and grabbed me and been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. I am a stong woman and never thought i would be in this situation-i am seriously thinking of having an affair with this guy if it goes that way-but what would the guy think of me? I am deperate to be touched and meet someone who really loves me! anyways i am very confused- if any one could give me some advice if would be appreciated. i will be seeing this new quiet guy ina few weeks at another sport event-so sooner is better!
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affair, depressed, emotionally abusive, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 November 2017):
 Thank you for posting your response OP. You are an inspiration to everyone. It goes to show that no matter how dire the situation, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. So glad that you're happy and in a loving relationship and are trying for a baby! This is such a happy story! Cheers!!
A
female
reader, dreadawn +, writes (6 November 2017):
dreadawn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIts been 5 years since I have checked this site. To all who offered advice-Thank you. Long story short...I separated from my abusive husband in 2012 and had my own apartment. I did have a sexual relationship with another man (not the man I spoke of in the original post. This man showed me how a women should be made love to. We are still friends to this day. I told my husband I wanted a divorce. My fears were realized...he did just walk away from the mortgage etc.. he also put nails under my tires, tried to choke me, tried to block me with his car from going to the police station, cleaned out our business account, stalked me at my apartment and at work. I have never had to deal with police so much! Anyways I lost everything-house would not sell! However, the divorce was finalized in 2014. Leaving my abusive husband was the best decision of my life! I am a strong confident HAPPY woman!! I am back in my career field-food science. I have been in a healthy, respectful, affectionate, and loving relationship for 4 years and we bought a house together-both names on the mortgage. I now know what love is-he treats me like gold and I him. Our home is filled with love and laughs and we put each other first. We are planning to try for a baby in the next year. I have a few good girlfriends and have an active social life-always interacting with people-I am actually an extravert! I have found my true self again!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): I advise you to talk to a divorce lawyer. Maybe they can point you to more financial options.
You probably will have to take a loss somewhere when you get divorced, most people do. So it's more about minimizing your financial losses rather than avoiding any. (that's why the institution of marriage was set up in the first place - to make it more difficult for couples to end their relationship and be eligible to new people)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): Maybe you can deed the house back to the mortgage company (bank)if you let them know your situation and can't afford any longer to pay for it. In the state where I live, I've known people to deed the house back to the bank.
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (5 May 2012):
 I understand the pain and suffering you are experiencing. The little bit of physical affection you shared with this other man at the sporting event must have felt like heaven after all the pain and suffering you have dealt with over the years.
I am going to agree with most of the other answerers here. An affair would only compound your problems and ultimately solve none of them. Not only would you be risking your safety and well being -- you'd be jeopardizing his as well -- especially if your husband is prone to violent out bursts.
What you really need to do is make a decision for yourself on whether you have the courage to get out while you can and still young. Life is too short to be absolutely miserable and I think you need to take stock in the direction that your life is headed.
I hope you seek outside help -- via a counselor or a therapist -- for yourself so you can sort out what is exactly going on in your relationship and life. I think you've only given us a tiny sliver of information here and there is a LOT more going on. I hope you take the initiative to make positive and constructive changes in your life.
Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 May 2012):
 I see, you find yourself financially trapped here. If I were you, I'd quietly see a divorce attorney for help in devising a plan to leave. It's certainly worth one visit to see if there's a feasible way out of the situation. Your freedom and life is worth more than some cash, wouldn't you say? If you think about it, he is building back from a bankruptcy, I don't see any reason why you can't do it as well, if it goes that far.
Adding an affair to your situation will only be adding more complications and may weaken your case against your husband, should it come to that.
Get your financial plans organized so that you can separate from your husband and do it with a good lawyer, one with a financial planner would be even better. If it means you sneaking around, well, you were already planning to sneak around a bit with the crush, weren't you?
I think the crush is merely a distraction your mind is throwing at you to keep you locked in a trap. You need to think about where you want to be 5 years from now and get yourself there. How you do it will require a plan and I'm not qualified to do that planning for you. I'm not Canadian, I don't know the laws there. But there are people who do and who can help. You are not the only woman trapped in an abusive marriage due to finances and you will not be the last.
Canada: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-363-9010.
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/help-aide/index-eng.php
Those are two resources I googled for you. There will be help in your local phone book. Please get yourself out of there. With very best wishes.
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A
female
reader, dreadawn +, writes (4 May 2012):
dreadawn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Thank you all for your responses. I agree that having an affair is not the answer and i am desperate for affection-I know that I need a clean break and get back on my feet. Just to give more light to why my marriage has failed and why i haven't left yet:When i met my husband he was in bankrupcy-he was married before (i did not meet him until 2 years after he seperated from his wife)I finished my university degree and moved to a new province with him and things were good-I had a high-paying secure job I bought a house @ 24 years old(he could not qualify due to his bankruptcy)then about 4 years later we decided to buy an acreade for our business that we started so i quit my good paying job-we are in a rural area and there are no good paying jobs here-the mortgage is in my name only due to his bankrpcy-which he has finally taken care-so he is building his credit. also all the debt is in my name.-i am scared that if i go through with this he will just walk and i cannot afford to pay the mortgage and the bills and the bank will take the house and my credit will be ruined. I stay due to financial reasons- I am trying to convince him to sell (both spouses have to agree to sell the house no matter if the house is only in my name). I would be more than happy to give him half of everything-after all he is supporting me right now-which i hate I like making my own money. also if we put the house up for sale-due to the area and economy it may take years to sell-also if we break the mortage now there is a 40,000 penalty-i have really screwed up my life! the only option i see is to port the mortgage to the new place in a major city where i can hopefully get back into my career and then after a year or 2 the mortgage penalty should only be 5000 dollars if i choose to end the marriage and sell the house. anyways hope this answers your guys questions and any good advixe is appreciated-because i am in this situation i realize i may have tunnel vision and may not see other options. by the way-my husband has a very close realationship with his mother who hates me-almost inappropriate-she was wearing a t-shirt with a map on it and my husband was pointing at a plave on the map-her boob and they seemed to smile at each other- also he once ran me a milk and honey bath with rose petals years ago-i thought it was romantic and just for me,but he did the same thing for his mother. His mother always insults me because i am Canadian(they are eastern euopean)and is always playing games i am the outcast. All of my family is in another province and are elderly-i have no one here-i am truly on my own-it is scary-I started getting back into sports to meet people-make good girlfriends and i am hoping it will buld my confidence and self -esteem so i can get out of this. I also realize i need to start respecting myself more and do what's right for me and not anyone else anymore. anyways please let me know your thoughts.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 May 2012):
I think the fact that you are asking what this man will think about you if you have an affair shows that you are ignoring the elephant in the room.
Your marriage is a shambles and frankly, sounds like a facade. If you don't have children, it will be much easier to leave and start anew. It's scary but why live like you are for the rest of your life?
End the marriage and you'll be able to find out what it's like to be with a man who wants to be fully intimate in the way you dream of.
Cheating is just a bad idea, really, in this case, it sounds like a mental exercise in freedom. Why not experience the freedom for real, rather than cheat on your husband?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (4 May 2012):
An affair is NEVER a solution to any problem, it will just make things worse. I'm curious though, if your husband is all that you say and you're trapped in a loveless marriage, then why haven't you considered leaving him? Its better to be free from this mess and pursue your life on your own terms, than be with an abusive, cold man who does not fulfill your needs.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2012):
 I think before you consider another partner you have to end it with the current partner.
You need to end your marriage and walk away if you are that unhappy.
the other option is to go to your husband and tell him you wish to open the marriage to others and you will begin by having sex with this man you are attracted to.
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE is cheating an option.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (4 May 2012):
You really do need to leave your husband, that is crystal clear to me. You are still young with many years of life ahead and you must make sure you are on the path to happiness. That doesn't mean rushing into anything new straight away.
You are a strong woman, and you will need to gather your strength and part ways with your husband. He sounds like a bully and abusive.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (4 May 2012):
 Hi
You do not have to have an affair. Divorce your husband there is no love on either side,its over,dead.
Once you are free you can date whoever you want without having the mess of illicit realationships.
You deserve to be happy so do something about it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2012): Divorce your husband already. Doesn't matter what happens with this other guy your marriage is a hindrance to your life and you don't have kids so what's the reason for staying married only to get into affairs cos you naturally want something better?
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (4 May 2012):
 Maybe instead of wondering what it would be like to be with this man, you should ponder why you're still with your husband. If your husband is as cold, abusive, emotionally detached and sexually distant as you say, then why are you with him? If you're so unhappy, why don't you simply leave him and get a divorce? Why choose to have an affair with someone you're only sexually attracted to while being married and seeing your husband every day?Frankly, I think you're sexually desperate and in need of affection. You're not getting the attention and love that you feel you need. Instead of removing yourself from your situation or attempting to fix it, you're looking for a third variant. This man at the sports bar is most likely interested in bagging you. If you think he will have respect for you knowing that you're a married woman, and if you sleep with him too soon, you're in for a big disappointment I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, Trinklett +, writes (4 May 2012):
 There's an obvious disconnect between you and your husband. I advice you leave him, calm down a little and see what the new guy has to offer. Your husband is no longer in love with you and neither are you. Why waste each other's time?
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