A
male
age
41-50,
*V426
writes:My wife and I have been married for 11 years. The last 3 years have been challenging. Last year we lost the house to foreclosure. I worked part-time and had a small business than I had to close. On the surface and to the outside world we look fine, but look deeper and we are more like room mates not married. We do not fight we just avoid conflict all together. We have not been intimate for about 2 yrs. She said she just has no desire to, and I know I dont either. We are so busy we really don't see each other much. I have brought this up with her, concerned that living like could lead to separation. She didnt really think there was anything wrong, we are just busy. I feel I have lost that "marriage love." She does not want to go to counseling. I think we have just been going through the motions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): On the other hand, she may be waiting for you to ask for a divorce (she being too shy or uncomfortable to make the first move). Either way, you need to know whether she's interested in remaining married to you. If yes, then you both need to work on improving it, which you can if you get some counselling or do what rcn suggests. If she doesn't want to remain married, a trial separation might be the temporary solution.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (22 January 2011):
I think you have three options:
Option 1. Accept things the way they are. Learn to be content with the marriage you have now and focus on the positives that you still have.
Option 2. Try to convince your wife of your disastisfaction and try to urge her to work with you on the marriage to improve it. But realize that right now it's only you who is feeling dissastisfied, she's fine with the way things are. Or who knows maybe she's not fine with the way things are but is hiding some bigger issue that she doesn't want to confront. Either way, it takes two to work on a marriage so you need to try to persuade her to be on the same page as you (which is that things are not fine the way they are and that you two should "do something" about it)
Pption 3. If you can't do option 1 or 2, then it may be time to think about separation. This would be further down the road, because you could/should put a lot of effort into Option 1 or 2 first, as in, months if not YEARS of effort, before you move this Option 3. But it doesn't hurt to know that you do have a back up plan if those two options are just not working out.
(there is Option 4 which is just stay married but be unhappy and try to cope...this is a pretty sucky way to live but lots of people do it because they can't do any of the other 3 options)
good luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 January 2011):
 "Marriage love" is not something that happens and self sustains. It's created. If you don't focus time and energy on your marriage, it will seem like you two are roommates and not married. You are allowing circumstances and external things ruin your marriage. It doesn't just happen. You have to allow it, then accept it. In order to change this. I recommend you two begin scheduling time for each other. Go on dates. Play a little. Take drives. Whatever you can do to open communication, and bring you two closer together. Most relationship, when I'm told that it just didn't work out, were created not to by those in them. Granted, there is no manual with directions on how to have a successful marriage, but "going through the motions" is not one of them.
Now tell your wife how you two are messing this marriage up, and let her know you want to share more exciting times with her. Sit down and figure out a plan on how. Have date nights. You may be married, but that doesn't mean you can't date and do some of the things that made the both of you decide to say, "I do".
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): Hug, kiss, hold hands, be affectionate every chance you can get. Send her flowers at work. Start courting her as though she were a "New" girlfriend. Ignite the fire once again.
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