A
female
age
30-35,
*ebeccaMay
writes:Please help me, somebody! I don't know what to do!I am 21 and have been in a relationship with a lovely guy for nearly 3 months now. The relationship is going really well and he has virtually moved into my flat, and he and I really do get on great. I'm very happy with him, apart from one thing... his ex girlfriend.Back when he and I first met, he was at the end of a 4 year relationship with a girl who was about to join the army. He was always annoyed because she had no time for him. They rarely spoke, and he hadn't actually seen her in months. He kept saying that the relationship was pretty much over, and that he didn't want to be with someone who was in the army and never had time for him. We started to get close but neither of us wanted to do anything while he still had a girlfriend. One day he turned up at my flat, and said that he'd seen her and broken up with her because it was me he wanted to be with. And we've been together ever since.The problem is, when I went home for Christmas, he phoned me to tell me that he was meeting up with her for coffee, because they still wanted to be friends, and wanted to return each other's stuff. I wasn't keen, which he understood, but said that I trusted him so it was fine.Later on that evening he phoned me and said that she wanted to get back together, but he had said no, he was with me. I thought nothing more of it. They were texting each other a lot after that, but he said that she just felt insecure because she was worried about going into the army, and he was giving her moral support. I gritted my teeth, but I sympathised, knowing that at least she would be in the army soon and out of the way.Now she's in the army, and it's worse than ever. They text each other every morning and every evening. Whenever he spends an evening away from me, he spends it on the phone to her. Now he's told me that she's on leave on the 11th of February (Valentine's weekend!) and he's going to spend the day with her, and said that I'd better get used to it because he's going to be doing this every third weekend, which is when she will be on leave. I know they're friends, but they had nowhere near this amount of contact when they were together!I appreciate his honesty, and I do trust that he's not the cheating type. What scares me is how aggressive he gets whenever I try to talk to him about it. He gets really angry and says that it's none of my business who he is friends with, or when he sees and talks to those friends. I have been hit by men before, and while I know that he would never hit me, I get really frightened when he gets angry and end up begging his forgiveness. I just want to talk to him about it but I'm scared that he'll either flip out or just break up with me.Why is he doing this to me? Is he just flattered by the attention from her? Is he keeping her close just in case it doesn't work out with me? Or is it what I fear, that he's not over her? What if she left the army for some reason, would he abandon me to get back together with her?I'm so hurt and confused, I don't know what to say to him. I don't want him to think that I don't trust him, but surely this isn't normal? It's not as if they have kids or anything, I know that they're friends, and after 4 years together I can totally understand that they have a bond. But this is getting beyond a joke now.Am I over-reacting to this whole situation? Or am I right to be upset? What should I do?Please help, this is tearing me apart.
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christmas, ex girlfriend, get back together, his ex, insecure, moved in, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RebeccaMay +, writes (9 March 2011):
RebeccaMay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Everyone,
Thank you for your help. You were right, you all were. He broke my heart and left me, and he is still deciding whether or not he is going to go back to his ex.
I have tried to stay friends with him but I am finding it too hard. Even though he has been lovely to me as a friend, I am still madly in love with him and I know that he really is a wonderful guy, and this is killing me. I still believe that we could make each other very happy, and I know that it would never work if he got back together with his ex. He would be miserable and I can't bear to watch that. But as someone said to me recently, sometimes people can't see what's in front of them until it's not there any more. I have tried, but there is nothing I can do. He is heading for a fall and I can't save him. I need to walk away now.
Thank you, everyone, for your support. You were right and I wish I had asked for help sooner. Perhaps if I had, I would not have had my heart broken. I hope that I can help you in return if you every have any problems.
Rebecca May
A
female
reader, RebeccaMay +, writes (29 January 2011):
RebeccaMay is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, everyone. You are right, I shouldn't have to put up with this, and I won't any more. It's reassuring to know that nobody seems to think I'm being unreasonable here. I will get this sorted, because I don't deserve to have to put up with this constant upset from him. Thank you for helping me to see the light.
RM
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You need to throw him out. What are you waiting on, for him to up and leave you only for you to wind up back here asking for why did I stay help? Get rid of him.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (21 January 2011):
 hi
hmm, sounds like she wasn't interested in him much when she had him all to herself but suddenly he is 100% more attractive now that he has got someone else! or maybe she has realised she still loves him because she has been 'forced' to leave him, by being in the army. whatever her reasons are: she wants him away from you.
its impossible to say which one of them is chasing the other one, but either way he seems to be enjoying it, so much so that he has the cheek to tell you that you better get used to the fact he is gonna be spending weekends with her?! i don't think so!!
look, when they were together she couldn't be arsed with him, so why are they best buddies now? doesn't add up really. he told you that he finished with her because he wanted to be with you instead, if he is the sort of person to do that, you better be careful coz he might just just decide to finish with you coz he would rather be with her.
also she was probably bitter as hell towards you because her boyfriend 'dumped' her to go to you.
i am so sorry that you are going through this it must be very painful and worrying, please don't let them mess you about like this. he is showing total disrespect for you and the relationship and i wouldn't trust HER what-so-ever. it wouldn't surprise me if she loses all interest as soon as she has enticed him away from you.
my advice: don't get involved with someone who is in a relationship, or nearing the end of a bad relationship, or freshly out of one. it is ALWAYS messy . and as far as these two are concerned i know its hard but i think you should leave them to it before you get hurt and damaged any further
xx
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 You have every right to doubt this kind of friendship he has with his ex. As his girlfriend and as you know his past with this girl, it is only natural for you to react like this and he must understand this.
If he imposes that he must see this girl, it looks like he doesn't respect your feelings. The relationship will seem like there's 3 of you in it. If I were you, tell him that this is not comfortable for you and that he has to choose. Please please don't be the one to adjust. I know you don't want to lose him but think of yourself. Let him decide where he wants to go. And if he chooses the other, only proves he's not worth your time. Leave him and move on with your life. There are other guys out there.
Good luck girl and be strong!
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A
female
reader, cry  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 you better get use to this OMG i can believe he said that . you know what girl. forgette him, leave him. the two of them are falling back in love, and he chooses her. leave him be the adult and move on with your life you sound like a very mature classy woman and you dont deserve to be treated like that. best of love AK
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