A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids.This is my first time here.I could really use your advice. You can be honest and harsh, whatever you feel is necessary. I know what I have done is not right.I am a married mom and I have been having an emotional affair (no physical boundaries have ever been crossed) with a married dad for over a year. We are both teachers at the same school. We have shared many intimate talks and details about each other's lives and have a strong attraction for each other. We would talk everyday at school and have gone out to lunch together etc. Our spouses do not know the impact of our friendship and would not be happy if we told them about what we have shared with each other.Once the school year was winding down in June, we exchanged our personal info like email and phone numbers and said we would keep in touch and get together over the summer. Well, I emailed him twice and he has not responded. I am not sure why he would be so intimate with me and have obvious feelings and then seem to ignore me in the summer. I am really surprised by this reaction because I thought I meant something to him. I did run into him a couple of times by chance in the summer and he seemed happy to see me, almost like he missed me and told me he received my emails but has been busy renovating, at the cottage, etc. But he said we would get together soon. This has not happened. The last time we ran into each other, the sparks seemed to fly and you could feel the electricity in the air. He asked me what I have been doing and seemed to be jealous that I have a male friend I have spending time with. The male friend is striclty a friend. We both have kids that play together. But he does not want to seem to go any further with it. He has never asked me to get together. He has my contact info and he has seen me so he could have asked. He is full of mixed signals and messages and I am getting tired of it. Either you are interested or you are not... If he really cared about me, wouldn't he have made the effort to see me?Why would he seem to really care about me and show me attention when I am around but when I am not around he does not make the effort to see me? Have I been so wrong about his feelings towards me? If you tell me it's because he is married with a family, I get that but why is he stringing me along, acting like a single guy? Honestly, he should not be playing the game if he is unavailable or unwilling to take it futher. He does not know how much he is hurting me. I have been thinking about him all summer and not being able to see him has been torture. I have had such a hard time.I guess he does not really care about me like I thought. Maybe this is a sign I should move on? How can I when in September we will be working together again everyday at the school? He will probably pick up where he left off and expect me to jump into his lap again just like before. Shouldn't he just leave me alone if he is not ready to move forward and is unable or unwilling to make a commitment? Why even bother with this whole thing? I feel like a fool for letting myself fall for him. I know it is because my marriage has been failing and I have been feeling vulnerable. There is no spark or chemistry with my husband anymore and my marriage is dead. I am just afraid to leave because of the children and I cannot support myself right now. I know in my heart that if this man said the word right now, I would go with him. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to become this involved.I just don't know what to do. I am in this too deep and feel I can't go on this way anymore. Can anyone help me find some clarity to this situation? Because I don't think I can keep going with him wanting to keep me on the side while not wanting to go any further. It is hard for us women especially because we get emotionally involved a lot more and get wrapped up in the romance, especially if we are vulnerable. But maybe I need to stop seeing this guy as a good guy I would want to be with? I am so confused. I really need to get out of this emotional hell. It seems that he shows interest on his terms and when it is convenient for him. What is that telling me? Is he just using my vulnerability, getting close to me hoping I will have sex with him eventually? Is that all he wants from me??? Please help! :(
View related questions:
affair, jealous, move on, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (13 September 2011):
it's good that you're trying to move on from the other man. It may not have been your decision, but that's the reality of the situation.
It's also good that you've finally told your husband the truth of how you feel about the marriage. Even if the truth hurts, it's better than living a lie and a sham. He may be trying everything he can to win you over, but the fact is that if your feelings have completely eroded for him, it happened over many years so your feelings wont' come back overnight no matter what he does now. He has to realize that it's not so easy to make up for years of hurt or neglect, with sudden increases in attention to one's spouse once the damage has already been done and the you no longer love him. Don't feel guilty or bad that he's trying hard yet you don't feel love for him - your feelings are the way they are for a reason. your marriage is probably dysfunctional; your feelings for your husband didn't just completely die off for no reason, and his begging you to stay despite your complete lack of feelings shows that he was not on the same page as you all these years (when each spouse feels very differently toward the marriage, clearly they were not on the same page for a long time already).
If you decide that you want to give your marriage another shot, you might want to try marriage counseling. or you could get some individual counseling for yourself to decide if you want to even try to work on your marriage or if you've had enough and it's time to move on. good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): Hi all. It's the OP. I have decided to move on from the other man. I would not have made that choice but I feel he has made it for me. Since school began, he seems cool towards me. And he knows how I feel now because I asked him for coffee but he did not respond to me. He must have an idea that if a woman asks a man out for coffee, she usually has more on her mind than just coffee.
I just cannot go on for another year the same way. My feelings will only get stronger and in the end, he is not going to make any kind of a commitment to me because he has a wife and kids. If I can't even get him to show his feelings or tell me how he feels, there is just no way. I am in a vulnerable position and I recognize that completely. I am in an unhappy marriage and I have a son who is not typical, and I have been dealing with many stresses associated with all of this. To be so vulnerable makes this situation all the more painful. I realize now that this man is not my knight in shining armour. He doesn't want to be. I am now left with reality to deal with.
I don't love my husband anymore. I know this in my heart. My husband is trying everything he can to get me to love him again. And it breaks his heart that he is not succeeding. I have finally told him how I feel. He doesn't want to let me go and he is crushed to his very core. I am sorry I am putting him through this but I just don't love him anymore. He calls me and texts me a million times a day and buys me presents and yet all I am thinking in my mind is why doesn't this other man show me this much attention? I wish so much that it was the other guy showing me all of this attention. But he isn't and he hasn't done anything all summer. And this has to speak volumes to me. If I put all my feelings and hope aside, this is the cold, hard truth.
I am going to be strong now. Make no mistake. It will hurt me more than I can ever explain. And it has been hurting me the past two days. But I have to let him go. I hope I can get through this because I tried to let him go before and did not succeed.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2011): Hi sweetie. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time. Yes, matters of the heart can be very complicated! And I know that we do not ask for more complications in our lives but sometimes we get them when we least expect them.
I am a mom and I am going through a similar situation. I have three kids. One is in a wheel chair and the other one has Down's. I have had my share of struggles and pain and I still do. My marriage did not last. Our struggles were too much to overcome. My husband was abusive to me and it escalated into physical abuse. I had no job. My job was taking care of my three children. I have no family in the same area and had nobody to talk to. Finally one day I decided I cannot take my husband's behavior anymore. I was already struggling with so many problems related to living day to day with my children and I could not take anymore. I was afraid, yes. I will not sugar coat it. I was terrified, in fact. Here I was a mom with three kids, two of them with special challenges, with no way to support myself. Was I mad for leaving my husband? It was a long and painful decision to make. It literally took me years to come to this decision. But I made it. Because I chose me and I could not live like this. I also chose my children. They did not need this kind of a father in their lives. I was afraid that one day he could hurt one of them physically if he could hurt me.
So, the moral is you are not alone. We all have to make hard decisions in our lives. But do what your heart is telling you because life is too short to live in misery. You say your husband is a good man. That is not enough of a reason to stay married to him. How long can you go without a physical attraction? You are just room mates, I'm afraid. You are looking for someone to help you with your child. I understand. I have been there. But you cannot go on this way. It will only end in more misery. You need to find the courage to look within yourself and make a hard decision. If you don't love your husband, how can you stay married to him? Another man has your heart. Think about this.
Even if you and the other man do not get together, you need to take him out of the equation. I know there have been similar comments. And I agree with the other posters. When you don't have love in a marriage, you have no marriage at all. You cannot stay for your child's sake. Do you have family and friends who could support you or you could stay with? Can you speak to someone you trust about your situation? It helps to talk. Maybe you need some time on your own to think things over?
Finally, if the other man takes the "leap of faith" for you, he may be a good role model for your child. He may step up to the plate. You never know what people are capable of. We shouldn't be quick to sell others short. Maybe your heart is telling you this is the right man for you. You have not experienced other relationships. So, maybe you settled for your husband. I don't think you had enough dating experience to really have known who was right for you.
I really empathize with your situation. Be strong. Hang in and see what happens. But for your sake and for the other man's sake, it would the right thing to end your marriages to be together. Otherwise, you are going to have a hard road ahead. Take Care.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): To Anon. I’m the OP. Thank you for your advice. You have looked at my problem from all angles and have opened my eyes to other perspectives and possibilities. Sometimes when we are involved in a situation, we may not be as objective as someone looking in because our feelings are so deeply involved. So, I appreciate that you have made me think.It is possible to be flexible and see how it all plays out. I do want to know if he and I are on the same page, however. I could see how it all goes but I am not sure how long I can hold on before completely losing my mind!!! At this point, I am already involved beyond the point of no return and no matter what he would say or do, it would still be difficult for me to let him go. I can’t tell you exactly but something deep inside me cannot let him go even if I choose to. I just can’t do it. I have tried to ignore him, not talk to him, etc. but it tears me up to do this. My heart will not let him go. That is the simple truth. I guess since I am this involved, I will have to see where it goes because I know that I can’t walk away and I am not sure if he can either. It is hard because out of nowhere the life you have known for years and thought was comfortable is suddenly turned upside down. You never expect to fall for someone else when you are married but it has happened to me. And you feel guilty, you feel like what you are feeling is wrong, you try to hide it, get over it, deny it. And as much as you want things to remain the same, afraid of hurting your spouse or your children, afraid of the unknown, you are sometimes forced to face the unknown because you realize that you are in love with someone else. You realize you have no choice. You can continue the charade of being married to someone you don’t love for all the wrong reasons: the children, the finances, the comfort and security. But I believe that in the end you will have to face the reality that you have feelings for another person and you must decide what to do about it. It is a difficult situation. And there is no easy way out and no easy resolution. If he told me he cared about me, I would take a leap of faith for him. I want more than anything for him to do the same thing for me. I would hate for him to run away because he is afraid. I am afraid, too, but I am not afraid to face the truth.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2011): hi I'm one of the anon commenters from 31 Aug, here again. OP I think it's good that you're deciding to actively do something about your situation. However, I'm not sure if your plan is necessarily as straightforward as you expect.
"I agree that often in life we do not get second chances. But sometimes we do. However, in the case of my marriage, if I ever did leave my husband, I would never get a second chance with him. He is the type of man that would want nothing more to do with me if I ever left him and took away his son."
You've already had 20 years with your husband, so I think you've already had numerous second chances with your marriage. Avoiding divorce just for fear of not getting yet one more second chance at your marriage is, in my opinion, pointless.
I do think it's possible to have second chances at love and marriage. Why wouldn't that be the case?
"I feel that the only way out for me is telling him how I feel and seeing what happens. I will know for sure if I do this. Then I can at least TRY to work on my marriage and see if there is anything worth salvaging. "
How does the other man's responses to your queries affect whether or not there's anything in your marriage worth salvaging?
Working on your marriage only because your first choice of lover isn't available, is I think not likely to improve the marriage much because you're basically treating your husband like left-overs. This is not a foundation from which to approach marriage building.
"I am willing to try but I must know that the other man is completely not interested in going further with our relationship. Sadly this is the only way I can move on"
The problem with this plan, though, is that what he tells you might NOT resolve your feelings one way or another after all, it might just deepen your quagmire. you're assuming that he will either say one of two things: that yes he shares your feelings and is willing to leave his wife to be with you, or no he's completely uninterested in taking this further. But relationships being what they are, things are rarely so black and white.
One thing that happens often in affairs is that he will tell you that YES he loves you too, BUT he just can't leave his wife because of (and then the endless laundry list of reasons, each of which becomes a topic of debate and argument between you two over why it should be an barrier to leaving his marriage). Then where does this leave you? Still pining and frustrated and holding out hoping and waiting for the day he'll actually leave his wife??
Or, he may tell you no he doesn't share your feelings, BUT his ongoing behavior still continues to suggest he does and so the mixed messages continue and agonize you even more. Or, he tells you that yes he has feelings for you too, but he doesn't want to take things further because it's 'wrong', ...so then where does this leave you?? Or, he tells you yes he wants to be with you and will leave his wife. So you leave your husband. And, he still doesn't actually leave his wife and you're questioning his sincerity and intentions all over again (like right now, only by then you'd have invested a lot more of yourself in the situation).
the thing is, people in affairs can stay in affairs for years precisely because there are open declarations of love, and yet one or both people still refuse to leave their marriages. It's especially bad when one of them does get divorced just for the other person (as opposed to doing it for themselves on their own) but the other affair partner doesn't hold up their end of the bargain and get divorced too yet keeps promising they will.
So do you really want your relationship with this other man to "go to the next level": where there are open declarations of love but also broken promises and stringing along and with it inherent mixed messages about true intentions. And so the agony continues indefinitely until one or both people's spouses find out and everything comes crashing down and it ends in ways that are not on your terms.
If you leave your marriage ONLY because the other guy says he will leave his too and be with you, you may end up in a situation where you're alone (the very thing you're afraid of) because you've ended your marriage for him (meaning you weren't emotionally prepared to be alone) yet he backs out of leaving his. But if you leave your marriage for YOURSELF, not for someone else, then you will not regret it.
I'm not saying that you shouldn't talk with the other guy to find out where he's coming from and if he's on the same page as you. But I just don't think his answers will give you an easy way out of your predicament one way or the other. to be honest I think you're trying to short-cut the difficult process of facing some uncomfortable truths about your marriage and what to do about it, by making it depend on a totally unrelated outcome (what the other guy says about his feelings for you). But, if you can be flexible, and live with ambiguity indefinitely and let things play out however long they take without going crazy, then your approach might work to resolve your situation.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Yes, Love Girl, lots to think about. And I appreciate your thoughtful answers. : ) You, along with the others who were kind enough to comment, have given me a lot to ponder. Many of you have made many valid points.I agree that often in life we do not get second chances. But sometimes we do. However, in the case of my marriage, if I ever did leave my husband, I would never get a second chance with him. He is the type of man that would want nothing more to do with me if I ever left him and took away his son. Although I would never take his son away. He could see him as much as he wants. He would always be close to his son and in his son's life. That would never change. But when you say there are no second chances, that could go for the MM as well. If I don't take a chance on him and tell him how I feel, I may never get another chance and I may regret it. So, how do I know that it is not meant to be between us? How do I know that he would not be willing to accept my son? We don't.I feel that the only way out for me is telling him how I feel and seeing what happens. I will know for sure if I do this. Then I can at least TRY to work on my marriage and see if there is anything worth salvaging. I am willing to try but I must know that the other man is completely not interested in going further with our relationship. Sadly this is the only way I can move on. Otherwise, I will always have hope. He will always lead me on, even if it is unintentionally. I will always look into his every action, his every smile, his every word, and wonder if it means more. This will get me in even deeper and I can't do it anymore. If I don't know the truth, I will never let him go because the heart is very powerful and when it feels so strongly for someone, it will hold on. The only way for me to let him go is to hear him tell me he does not feel the same way about me.A big gamble? I know! But do I have any other choices if I want a resolution?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): I agree, u do speak with glowing terms of your hb. U mentioned his good qualities: for me what stands out is that he did not bale when it came to your disabled kid. This is what makes me believe that he is truly a gem!You just mentioned the sexual chemistry with the MM. Hun, in life there is more to it than just SEX. So u want your itch to be scratched by your MM. This same MM who did not give a shit about u during the holidays. This same MM who ignored your emails? This same MM who did not have the decency to call u during the holidays? Please tell me agin what u love about him?After 20 years the love alters. If u just cannot appreciate all u do have with your hb then u need to do the only honorable thing and leave him. Divorce him so that another woman can make him her all. He deserves the right to be truly loved and cherished. He deserves a chance to find HIS happiness. OP u made him second best and this is NOT honorable.I'm curious: you and the MM are teachers. Are u not concerned about the scandal? Your reputation? Do u think the school governing body will tolerate this behaviour ? And the Kids u both teach?OP becareful that u do not lose your hb, your career and also your MM in the end. I can only imagine what emotional trauma your kid will go through when u replace his father. This MM will NEVER be able to fully accept a disabled kid and the challenges that come with raising a disabled kid.Lots to think about OP, lots to thik about. Sometimes we only realise what we had when it is too late. Sometimes in life there is NO second chances.LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (1 September 2011):
"But I know my husband has always been and always will be in my corner. And I know I can trust him with my life. My husband would take a bullet for me any time, anywhere......My husband is a wonderful man and a wonderful person and I should be lucky to have him. But do I LOVE him? NO I don't."
Maybe this is a good time to examine in more depth the reasons why you don't love your husband. You describe him in such glowing terms, and yet, you admit you don't love him. And you feel guilt about it.
First of all, don't feel guilt about not loving your husband. Your feelings are there for a reason, they are telling you something and are a sum total of your experiences so it's good that you have the courage to acknowledge them, and maybe now's the time to take it further and examine it closer so you can gain more understanding to help you make a decision.
Your rational brain says you "should" love him because of A, B,C. But the emotional-side of the brain has a lot more information at the subconscious level that's not accessible to the rational side of the brain. In the bestselling book "How We Decide" by Jonah Lehrer, the author makes the analogy that if our rational brains are like a calculator, then the emotional-side of our brains are like a supercomputer, gathering and analyzing data at the subconscious level, that's the sum total of all your life experiences so far. And the output of its analysis is your visceral emotional reaction to a situation, or your 'gut feeling.' So whereas the rational side of your brain makes a decision based on a few simple rules or facts ("I should love him because he's a good father to our kids") because that's all that our conscious brain can handle, your emotional-side of the brain tells you something different based on more than just one simple rule but based on a million bits of information gathered over the years.
Many times, people begin to evaluate their marriage at a certain superficial level (because they've only just started thinking about it) and can't find a reason why they don't love their spouse. After all their spouse is reliable, a good parent, a civil person, other people like him, etc. But sometimes when they dig deeper about their feelings, they may realize that their spouse has actually done a lot that hurt them in the past and maybe still going on now to some degree, there have been rifts in the relationship that were unresolved it just got buried or denied or glossed over so that life could moved on quickly.
But the side effect of buried unresolved hurt is that your feelings for the other person erode over time rather than deepen and flourish. If you have guilt about it too, then you may have shamed yourself into not feeling the way you believe you "should" and further buried it even more again so that life could move on. but it's sort of like radioactive waste..it may be buried but it can leak out and have toxic effects.
So how about if you try to focus on your marriage for the time being, NOT necessarily to force yourself to re-commit to your marriage because that's clearly not possible right now (a commitment that's forced out of guilt, is not sincere), but simply to try to understand more how you came to be in this position. How is it that you write such a glowing report about your husband, have not one criticism about him, and yet.... you don't love him. Your feelings for him eroded over time rather than flourished. Something's going on there. Maybe you can some day feel love for your husband, but to get there you still need to understand why you currently don't.
Did he hurt you a lot in the past? did you have unrealistic or dysfunctional (on hindsight) attitudes towards relationships and love? Did you approach your marriage from a healthy frame of mind? or from a dysfunctional (on hindsight) one such as with unrealistic or misunderstood beliefs? (just an example of an unhealthy belief is when people take to an extreme the creed to never hurt someone. So...they may end up being fake or disingenuous so as not to hurt someone with the truth. But the downfall of being dishonest and fake is that the relationship becomes distant or cold...which may not matter if the other person is a coworker or neighbor, but matters a lot if the other person is your spouse)
"This is so hard because I should love him. I would stay with him because I felt it was the right thing to do."
...in what way is staying with him the "right" thing to do? Right by whose standards? Who is judging you? Is it the "right" thing to do to stay married to someone *if you don't love them* but because they have been "good" to you? If so, why? By staying with someone are you by default loving them back just for the act of staying married to them? Does it do your spouse justice to stay married to him when you don't feel towards him the way he wants or even needs you to?
no one's expecting you to come up with any answers now (!), people can take months or years of self-reflection before they find those answers, and each person has their own journey. But just to give you an idea of where you might want to begin. The thing is, you are in your situation because somewhere along the way you got off track without knowing it. So now you should try to find out where and how you got off track so you can know what decision is more likely to get you back on. And if you decide to work on your marriage, having an idea of what needs to be worked on is more likely to succeed.
As for the other man...
If you were single (or divorced) and this other man was also single or divorced, you two would be free to develop a real relationship. such a relationship may or may not work out, but if you were single you'd be able to find out for real - either the relationship will blossom or it will disappoint (and if the latter, would you still stay in it, like you are with your marriage now...?). You won't know the potential of the relationship until you're actually in it for real. but you can't know that until you are in the relationship, which you can't be because you're still married.
thus, it's counterproductive to focus on the other man and his qualities and trying to predict what he might be like as a partner. Even more fruitless is trying to compare a life with him versus life with your husband in order to choose which one! You just have no information on which to make any comparison. You have no way to know anything about this other man on this level without actually being in a real relationship with him, and you can drive yourself crazy speculating and you'll only stay stuck.
So I think for now it may be more productive - as in, lead to more useful insights and eventually a concrete decision that you feel good about so you're not stuck anymore - to focus on your marriage, not to 'make it work' (because you haven't decided if you even want to do that) but to just *understand* it, and understand yourself and how you got to be in this position.
"I have been with him for almost 20 years and he has been my one and only so there is a lot of history there, which makes it all the more difficult. Being with him is not what is in my heart. I know this with certainty. "
It's good that you're making headway in that you have clarified with certainty one fact, which is that being with your husband is not what is in your heart right now. That's a good place to start. this feeling may change in the future depending on how other things go (you may at some point want in your heart to stay with him), or it may not. But right now it is the truth that in all sincerity and honesty you don't want to be with him. Again, your feelings are there for a reason, they are telling you something and shouldn't be ignored.
At this point, how about seeing a counselor or a therapist to help you sort out your feelings further such as whether you even want to work on your marriage, or simply how to cope in the meantime while you continue to sort out your feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): I'm the OP. And YES, I am very, very confused. I am in a heart wrenching situation. I have enough emotional turmoil dealing with a disabled child and a failing marriage and on top of all that I have deep feelings for another married man who has his own family and a life without me. It is a very difficult situation to be in. My heart wants to wait for the married man. My heart wants to believe that he cares for me the way I care for him. But will he step up to the plate when it comes to my child? (He already has two of his own) Or will he run away? I already know my husband would not run away and would do all that is in his power for his child. Am I just a distraction, an escape from his boring marriage, a potential affair partner for this married man, who could end up destroying my heart in the process? I already know my husband loves me with his whole heart, has loved me for 18 years, and will always love me. Will this married man be there for me when the chips are down and when it really counts? Will he leave me for someone else someday? Could I trust him? I don't know. But I know my husband has always been and always will be in my corner. And I know I can trust him with my life. My husband would take a bullet for me any time, anywhere.My husband is a wonderful man and a wonderful person and I should be lucky to have him. But do I LOVE him? NO I don't. This is so hard because I should love him. I would stay with him because I felt it was the right thing to do. I have been with him for almost 20 years and he has been my one and only so there is a lot of history there, which makes it all the more difficult. Being with him is not what is in my heart. I know this with certainty. I feel absolutely no sexual chemistry towards him and the spark between us is long gone. The other man, in fairness, is one I see in his best light. I do not have to share the burden of raising a disabled child with him. I do not have to share the burden of having no couple time with him or being bored because I have been with him many years. But what I do have with him is that strong connection and attraction and that SPARK and if we were both single, that would be enough to start a relationship on. I honestly do not know how he TRULY feels, let alone if he would be willing to take a big leap of faith for me. I just don't know. So, I am at a standstill because I am with a man I no longer love and share my everyday life with him when all I think about is being with another man. My heart just doesn't belong to my husband but I have been continuing this charade out of obligation and for my child. I have been sacrificing my own happiness.I want more than anything to tell the other man how I feel. Maybe ask him out for coffee and do it then. But I have been holding back because we are both married. I am trying to do the right and moral thing. But I am really in love with him. He makes me feel good. I look forward to seeing him and being with him. We have so much in common and the sexual chemistry is amazing. It's hard feeling this way and holding back. It is really, really hard. Not having him around this summer has made me realize how much I truly do care because I miss him so much. But part of me is thinking if he missed me the same way, wouldn't he be trying to contact me, even if only once, even just a short email? I have tried to contact him. But he didn't respond. He responded only because he happened to run into me. So I am wrestling with the idea of whether or not he truly cares for me. So, why should I be making all of the moves when I am not sure of him? This is what has held me back. I am not sure of where he stands and he has not made an effort to let me know. I don't know if he is holding back because he has feelings and is afraid or because he is not interested as much as I am. And I can't just go and ask him or read his mind. It's just awful.So, I am stuck in this horrible, perpetual limbo, and fear that once another school year starts, we will keep going the same way without anything ever being resolved. I can tell you for sure that until my feelings for him are resolved, I will never be able to focus on my husband or marriage because my heart is elsewhere.I wish your heart had an OFF switch!!! : (
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): If he disappears from my life, I may be able to refocus on my marriage and work on repairing it. Thankfully I am married to a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart and knows how special I am."
The OP is now determined to give her marriage a chance BUT the last few Anon females have actively encouraged her to destroy her marriage and "wait" for her married man. This advice is inappropriate and I am sure it has confused the OP even more. The last few Anon females have strategically advised the OP to wait it out. I wonder what they have to gain?
OP your last update shows that u have morals and integrity and u want to do the right thing. Don't let people who have their own agendas to turn u into something u are not.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): lots of people commenting that this guy must think nothing of you because he's still married. the logic is that, supposedly, since he's still married this proves that you and him aren't meant for each other. But there's two flaws with this logic.
(1) You are still married too, obviously. And yet you do have strong feelings for him and are seriously entertaining thoughts of leaving your marriage to be with him despite not saying so to him (dunno if this is still true for you but it was at some point). So might not the same apply to him too? it's possible, is all I'm saying.
(2) you two started out married before you even knew each other. So of course he is married, as are you. it's possible that you two will end up together. But for that to happen both of you must leave your respective marriages. And that has to happen some time in the future, it can't have happened in the past, you don't have a time machine to go back in time and undo those weddings. if it's going to happen, it will happen in the future. Which hasn't happened yet. So of course he's still married right now, as are you. Because the future hasn't happened yet, because it's the future.
Is this making sense? are you totally confused yet?
my point is just this. The fact that he's married right now, and you're married right now, doesn't say anything about the future. That's all. Anything can happen in the future. So base your decisions and assumptions on other factors other than the "he's still married so that proves you're not meant to be together." (maybe you really are not meant to be together but probably due to more substantial reasons than this.)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2011): "He just has obligations to his family and this is so of all married chaps. You have a husband as well. Let's not forget that. He is not going to openly pursue you knowing this. "
Exactly, I agree with the poster who said that. Even if he really wants you, he has to uphold his family obligations - like being home on time, spending every free minute outside of work with his wife, spending time with his kids while in her presence...because this is the definition of being married.
This is why you both need to be divorced first if you are to have a go at a real relationship with each other. Once divorced, you no longer have obligations to your now-ex spouse, and your obligations to your kids are still there but at least you can balance your time with each other openly with your kid-obligations.
as long as you both have obligations to other people, you cannot form or develop a real viable relationship with each other. It's not logistically possible unless you build up a web of lies to your spouses to explain why you're not home, and sneaking around and that gets harder and harder and also eats your soul away even more because you're lying more and more and living a double life, literally.
the point is, your relationship cannot go anywhere as long as both you and him have obligations to other people. It's not physically possible unless you build up a secret double life which is exhausting and soul-destroying. That's why you need to end those obligations (via getting divorced) FIRST if you want to pursue a new relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): I'm a married man. I have had several affairs during my married life. I can tell you for sure that this man wants you physically and nothing more. He is doing the bare minimum to keep you interested and he WILL make his move when the time is right. It just isn't right yet. This summer wasn't right because his wife and kids are around. Just know that he will strike. He wants you. It is up to you to stop it if you want to. If you are just looking for a physical relationship and nothing else, he will be okay with that. But this is not going to be a fairy tale ending like you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): Hold on, dear. Before making such a decision, be careful to listen to your heart. I am a firm believer in always listening to your heart. Do not make a go of it with hubby because you think the other man does not care for you. You must want to be with hubby because you love him, not because the other man isn't available or because hubby is a wonderful person who loves you with all his heart. How do you feel about your husband? It sounds like you do not love him anymore. I think that you should only agree to counselling and working on your marriage if your HEART is really in it. If you heart is elsewhere it is not going to work. It is clear to me that your heart is not ready to give your all to your marriage because regardless of how this other chap feels, you are still in love with him.I do not agree with the last post. She was a little harsh with her assumptions. This man has not rejected you. Do not take this personally, dear. I believe that he does care for you but his wife and family come first and isn't this the way it should be? He has obligations to them. But that does not mean that you are not worthy of his love or attention. He just has obligations to his family and this is so of all married chaps. You have a husband as well. Let's not forget that. He is not going to openly pursue you knowing this. And maybe he is not certain about how you feel, either, because you are married, too. Perhaps he thinks you are also flirting with him and nothing more. You haven't been dropped as the last gal said. He will show you attention again once he sees you. But I am afraid you will have to know his true intentions before you decide to move on from him. People have reasons for doing things and you cannot assume he is acting this way because he does not care. It would be a shame to walk away from someone when you do not know the truth. The last poster was implying you were living in a fantasy land by imagining what was going on. She could be doing the same thing by imagining why he is not contacting you this summer. Her guess is as good as mine. All I am saying is that before you throw in the towel and ignore what your heart really wants, make sure you are not doing it based on an assumption. You could be wrong about him. Believe me, for him to be confiding so many things to you is not flirting. It seems like more than that to me. He may be trying to distance himself now because he realizes he has feelings for you. But the only way you will know for sure is to have an honest conversation with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): I think you need to finish things with your husband first (file for divorce) before you even think about getting into any new relationship.
so do that first. yes it means running the risk that you will end up alone because you are divorced yet your friend won't leave his wife. But it's more honorable to leave a marriage and be alone and not knowing what comes next, than to leave it for a new relationship and only because that new relationship is guaranteed. The second situation smacks of betrayal and cowardice, the first doesn't.
if you're going to end a marriage, do it for its own sake. Not for a third person.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2011): It's the OP. I have finally come to realize that this man does not care about me. I was holding onto a dream. And I have decided to let him go. I am cutting all contact. This will be the only way I can get over him. If he disappears from my life, I may be able to refocus on my marriage and work on repairing it. Thankfully I am married to a wonderful man who loves me with all his heart and knows how special I am.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2011):
 "I can keep denying that but the truth is I want to be with this other man and not my husband."
But this other man hasn't made one move to even contact you this summer. So he's not into you. He doesn't want your heart. If he did, he'd have spent 20 minutes sending you one email at some point this summer. Instead, you have only talked to him when you bump into him somewhere.
You've been dropped. I'm sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2011):
Are you sure this man thinks you are having an emotional affair? Just because you have had talks about deep feelings with him doesn't mean he thinks you two would become an item if things were different.
The fact that he hasn't pursued you this summer tells me that you are someone he connects with but not someone he feels connected TO, if you see the fine distinction there. You are convenient at school; you can talk and go out and have lunch. When school is not in session, you are not convenient and he isn't into you enough to make the effort.
I think you're looking for the knight in shining armor, and you are imagining that there is more there between you then there actually is.
"I am not sure why he would be so intimate with me and have obvious feelings and then seem to ignore me in the summer. I am really surprised by this reaction because I thought I meant something to him. I did run into him a couple of times by chance in the summer and he seemed happy to see me, almost like he missed me and told me he received my emails but has been busy renovating, at the cottage, etc. But he said we would get together soon. This has not happened." Reality check: you might mean something to him, but not enough to disrupt his summer plans. Which don't include you.
"He is full of mixed signals and messages and I am getting tired of it. Either you are interested or you are not... If he really cared about me, wouldn't he have made the effort to see me?" Yes. He didn't make the effort, so take that message on board, there's nothing mixed about it. He's not into you in the way you would like.
"Why would he seem to really care about me and show me attention when I am around but when I am not around he does not make the effort to see me?" Because it's convenient when you're around, he likes flirting and enjoys the buzz that flirting gives him.
"Have I been so wrong about his feelings towards me?" I think you have been guilty of hoping for more.
"If you tell me it's because he is married with a family, I get that but why is he stringing me along, acting like a single guy?" Because some married guys like to have moments when they feel single again. The freedom, the lack of commitment, the thought that they could have random NSA sex with a beautiful girl who wants them for their body only is probably a fairly common married man fantasy.
"Honestly, he should not be playing the game if he is unavailable or unwilling to take it futher." Well, he found what he thought was a suitable partner. Maybe someone could say that you have simply misconstrued his desire to talk about his feelings as a statement of intent to be with you. You've created a fantasy life where there was no such intent on his part.
"I guess he does not really care about me like I thought. Maybe this is a sign I should move on?" I think the signal is pretty clear. He's not as into you as you had hoped.
"How can I when in September we will be working together again everyday at the school? He will probably pick up where he left off and expect me to jump into his lap again just like before." Now you're blaming him for something that hasn't even happened yet. You've really got an elaborate fantasy going on here.
"Shouldn't he just leave me alone if he is not ready to move forward and is unable or unwilling to make a commitment?" Well, in his defense, maybe he doesn't realize how much he means to you and what you have been thinking. Maybe you should be bold and decide not to engage in any more escapist fantasy thinking until you have been through counseling with your husband.
"Why even bother with this whole thing? I feel like a fool for letting myself fall for him." It's understandable, you've had a rough time with a child who has disabilities and a marriage which requires work to get it going again. It's really nice to think about something else, go through all the feelings of falling in love, the sheer joy of infatuation and emotional support. That all being said, you've built an elaborate fantasy and all it has taken is one summer to show you that you are on your own. Your fantasy didn't come through for you and alas, you are right back where you started.
"It seems that he shows interest on his terms and when it is convenient for him. What is that telling me?" That you are a convenient ear for him but not someone compelling enough to change his life for. Brutal truth.
I know it's hard to think about but if you want a chance to stop living in this la-la limbo land you have made for yourself, you need to tell your husband that things are not working for you and you need to decide whether you care enough to make the effort to fix them.
Rejection is not nice, or comfortable. But that is what you have experienced. Now please get your head out of the clouds of wishful thinking and engage the rational part of your brain, the bit that will point out the obvious. Your love interest isn't interested in you enough to change his world. That says a lot. Pay attention.
I think you'd be happier in the long run if you took the initiative to work on the marriage; either fix it or get out of it. Don't allow the side fantasy of the married guy to distract you from the real issue, which is your major dissatisfaction with your marriage. Keep your eyes on the ball.
Good luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 August 2011):
 If it comes between following your head or your heart, follow your head. Your head is rational (or we like to think it is), makes logical decisions, calculates the outcome and makes the best decision based on facts or information.
Your heart on the other hand is controlled by your emotions, without thought for consequences. If heart and mind agree, then it's great. If divided, follow your head.
Your feelings cloud your perspective, but your head, your gut, your smarts, is telling you what is, and what is not, best for you to do in this situation. When your heart calms down and the emotions calm down you will see the reasons more clearly.
If you stay and work on your marriage... well then if it doesn't work you can walk away with your head held high, knowing you tried your best.
I also want to add that your feelings of love and care for this man might not be pure. They are probably mixed feelings of the need for attention and care, which you do not get from your husband, or a need to express yourself which you feel you can not do at home. It's also mixed with feelings of wanting to break loose, which you can do on your own without this other man, but he in this case works as your catalyst, your excuse and reason. He's the personification of your desires. However that doesn't make him your ideal partner in any way.
Follow the head if heart and head do not agree.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2011): "Ending and getting out of a marriage is probably the most difficult thing to do in life. Being unhappy does not change this. There are millions of people out there who stay in unhappy marriages and they have their reasons for doing so."No one is saying it's easy to leave a marriage (I left after 17 years). People here are just encouraging the OP to work up the courage to do so, because there are so many bad consequences to staying unhappily married (yes even the kids can suffer bad consequences when their parents stay unhappily married rather than moving towards becoming healthy-functioning people.)Everyone has their own level of fear-tolerance and how controlled or ruled by fear they will be. Some people will even use their kids to justify staying in a dysfunctional marriage because it's too scary to divorce (unless you have a new relationship as a safety net....). some people fear what divorce will do to their kids and all further thought processes stop. Instead of striving to find solutions on how to make it work. it doesn't have to be that way, but if someone is really so consumed by fear then maybe for them it can't be any other way. in the end, it's what you can live with. How will you look back on your life, would you be proud of the course of action you chose, whether it was to stay in an unhappy dysfunctional marriage or to leave it. Working up the courage to leave, does not mean you have to leave but it opens up your options. When you feel you have more realistic options, now you can make better informed choices. You may still choose to stay in your marriage, but if you're doing it from a healthier standpoint and not out of fear, you will feel better about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2011): Most people on this site can easily advise an OP to leave their marriage. Like you can go into any store and pick up a divorce certificate and move on effortlessly. Can I ask how many of you who do this are already married yourselves? Do you know how difficult on every single level it is to leave a marriage EVEN IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY? So many people remain in unhappy marriages for their children, finances, etc. Ending and getting out of a marriage is probably the most difficult thing to do in life. Being unhappy does not change this. There are millions of people out there who stay in unhappy marriages and they have their reasons for doing so.The saddest part about it is you are truly in love with someone else but cannot leave and often choose to sacrifice your own happiness. OP, your case is especially hard because you have a disabled child. How can you manage on your own raising this child? I can tell you from personal experience that having a child with challenges is a tough thing when both parents are raising this child as a family unit (and usually the major reason they experience marital problems) but raising one on your own, I can see why you are having major reservations about leaving your marriage.It looks like all of these issues related to your child's disability have deteriorated your marriage. Are you truly in love with this other man or are you seeking an escape from all of your problems? Do you really think the other man is willing or able to support you and your child if you left your husband? He has a wife and two children of his own. Realistically, what are the odds of this happening? I think that in order for you to truly move on and get some clarify for yourself, you do need to talk to this man and lay everything on the table. You HAVE to know how he feels or you will continue to string your husband along and this is no marriage. It is not fair to him or you. If you choose to stay even if you are unhappy, you must let this other man go. But find out where he stands first. It seems you are waiting to make your decision based on how he feels. Maybe if you know that he is not willing to leave his family, this will help you cut him out of your life and work on your marriage. I believe that you are hoping this man will give you a white picket fence and are holding onto that. But that might not be reality. It's time you took charge of this situation. You do need to get his end resolved or you will get in deeper and your marriage will fail. Many unhappily married people stay married for their children. This is a noble reason and I will not fault anyone for their decision because the decision is theirs, not ours. But I also believe that if we feel this strongly about someone and our heart cannot seem to let them go, maybe it is telling you something you really need to know. Maybe you and the other man have a special connection and both of you are afraid because you are both married and have obligations elsewhere? If and unless you are both willing to admit your feelings, you cannot change your situation. Either you both want to be with each other or you will choose to stay unhappily married for the sake of your children or whatever else keeps you there. But you just can't have it both ways. It will cause you, your spouses and children so much more hurt and heart break in the long run. I can assure you of that.My advice is to talk to the other man and find out where he stands. I have a feeling he is going to tell you he wants to stay married and if he does, you will have to accept his wishes and move on. He may be angling for an affair with you but is that what you really want? Do you honestly want to be the other woman and have all that on your plate in addition to having marital problems and raising a disabled child? That is a lot to handle. Both yours and his problems will not be solved by an affair. They will make you feel good in the short term but in the long term you will regret it.I hope I was able to help you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2011): I'm the OP. Thank you all for wanting to help me with this difficult situation.What it all comes down to right now is choosing between my heart and my mind. What a tough choice.My mind is telling me to stay and work on my marriage and my heart is telling me it wants to be with this other man, no matter what the consequences. Putting everything aside, right or wrong, fear, morals, spouses, children... my heart belongs to this man. It no longer belongs to my husband. I can keep denying that but the truth is I want to be with this other man and not my husband. I don't know if my whole outlook is clouded by the other man being in the picture. If he wasn't I might want to put more effort into trying to make the marriage work. But knowing I can feel this way about another man makes me question whether I can ever get the spark back with my husband.I am still lost.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2011):
 The operative statement in your query is this one: "But maybe I need to stop seeing this guy as a good guy I would want to be with?"
Print a copy of that and tape one on your refrigerator door, one on your bathroom mirror and one on the ceiling over your bed. You might even embroider it on your pillow case.....
After you've seen and read that enough, perhaps it will sink in, and you'll get on with your life...
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 August 2011):
I think you have a lot to figure out on your own, and clarify where your problems are coming from, so you can decide what to do that will make your life better and not have it be dependent on one specific outcome.
You know that you're unhappy with your marriage. So why don't you leave your marriage first regardless of whether the other man is going to leave his.
If your affair partner never leaves his wife, and never tells you that he wants you, how does this in any way make your marriage any 'better' and worth staying in? Yet with your current way of thinking, if your affair partner doesn't commit to you, then you'll stay in your marriage. This means that if you end up staying in your marriage (under your current way of thinking) you're only using your husband as a security blanket, which is unfair to him. even if you stay in your marriage, if it's for these reasons it's still not being honorable or behaving with integrity. if your marriage is unhappy enough to leave, then it is a marriage that should be ended regardless of what your friend is or isn't doing with his life and his marriage.
You may not love your husband, but you don't have to treat him disrespectfully either. (which is what having an affair behind his back also is doing, by the way.). If you don't want to be in your marriage anymore, then work up the courage to say so and end it and not make it contingent on whether you have a new relationship to catch you immediately. Your husband does not have someone else to catch him. Your friend's marriage simply shouldn't factor into your decision making for your own life, in large part because you have no control over what he's going to choose to do with his marriage and when.
That's why I think you should first figure out if you want to stay in your marriage or not - because if you do then you need to end your affair for sure and the sooner the better. If you come to the conclusion that you just are too afraid to get divorced, then by default that means you should end your affair immediately and not even be thinking about what the other guy is thinking or feeling towards you because it would be a moot point.
You also might want to consider if none of this has to do with your marriage or your affair partner, but due to your own issues. You're basically living your life according to what will make you feel "better" (or rather, not so bad) in the moment. The other man makes you feel better than your husband does so that's why you're so keen on him. But you don't leave your husband either because doing so is scary and threatening to your sense of identity and how you see yourself (being the 'good girl' who marries for life) so you're actually keeping your husband around for your own benefit too, so you don't have to re-define your identity and face the scary world of raising a disabled child on your own.
"I have never told him how I feel because I am afraid. "
What are you afraid of? Is it fear of rejection and embarrassment? If so, then you should learn to overcome that fear or learn to manage it so it doesn't stop you from communicating what's necessary in order to move forward with your life. If you don't want to communicate with him, then your only option is to end your relationship now, no questions asked. But basically, there is just no way you can expect your relationship with your affair partner to move towards any positive resolution without communicating with him. It's not a good idea to be making decisions for your life (and by default for your husband and child too) based on what you *think* is going on in this other guy's head. I said earlier that I think it would be better if you decided what to do about your marriage separate from your affair and to do that first. But, if you're going to factor in this other guy into your decision-making about your marriage, then you absolutely must communicate with him otherwise you've got no information on which to base your decisions. Relationships, if they are to progress, do not progress based on mind-reading and hints. So you should get over whatever fear you have or saying or asking what you need to, in order to get the information you need to make decisions for your life.
"I have not been able to communicate my feelings to this man. He has given me hints and signals that he is interested but then he pulls away and I think maybe he isn't that interested."
He may be giving you mixed signals for the same reasons you are giving him mixed signals too. Again, you wont' know unless you ask him. you should end your silence and communicate with him, or else end the affair once and for all now.
Basically, it looks like you have a long way to go before your situation gets resolved in a way that you can live with. It looks like you've got some self-identity issues to work through on your own and which is independent of either your husband or your affair partner (what does it mean to be married? to be divorced? to be on your own without a partner? why is it so scary to be in some of those categories?). And then you've got communication skills to learn if you're going to finally initiate some uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking conversation with your affair partner about how he feels towards you, and with your husband about possibly getting divorced. And, you've got to develop a plan for yourself on what you will do that will be fair to your husband and not be treating him disrespectfully.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): I'm the OP. Thank you all for your advice. This is a really tough situation and there are no easy answers.I have never told him how I feel because I am afraid. We are both married and there are spouses and children involved. There is a lot at stake. He has never come out and told me how he feels. I always thought that if a man cared enough, he would be the one to pursue the woman. I am pretty sure he has feelings for me and there is a strong attraction there but I don't know if he cares enough to want to leave his marriage. Sometimes I think he is unhappy and this is why he has wanted to get close to me but neither of us can continue this way because it will only lead to more hurt and confusion. I was raised in a traditional and strict household where I was taught to be married for life no matter what and affairs were frowned upon. I am struggling with my conscience and my morals. I was always the good girl and have never once considered another man in my 15 years of marriage. My husband is my one and only. And I still struggle with the fact that I allowed this situation to happen and get out of hand. But this man and I have a lot in common and there is this spark there that is undeniable and it just feels so right to me. But the fact we are both married makes this special connection so wrong. And this really hurts. My heart is very persistent when it comes to him. It will not give up.Our child has a disability and we have so many struggles. I feel I have lost the spark and connection to my husband. Every time I look at him I see all of our problems. I am not attracted to him physically anymore. I feel very vulnerable. In fact, I am sure I disconnected myself from our marriage years ago but pretended everything was okay or just lived in denial. For the sake of our child's well being I have stayed with him because I would not want to make our child's life even more complicated. I have not been able to communicate my feelings to this man. He has given me hints and signals that he is interested but then he pulls away and I think maybe he isn't that interested. I don't know if he is also struggling with his conscience. The fact he did not respond to my emails for example makes me think I am not a priority. He is for me. I am afraid to leave my marriage for the reason that I cannot support myself on my own and my son needs both of us. It isn't because I want the other man as a side dish as well. Because I would be willing to take a chance with him if he told me he felt the same way. I just don't know if he would do that. I am afraid that if I tell him how I really feel, he will reject me but maybe I should take that chance if it is the only way to know for sure and move on if necessary.I do communicate my feelings and am a heart on my sleeve kind of a girl. I have held back in this case because we are both married and neither of us has had the guts to open up about our real feelings.It is so hard to know what to do because you could end up doing the wrong thing. So doing nothing ensures you don't but it also ensures you will be going in circles indefinitely. I wish I knew what to do!!! I know I need a resolution soon.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2011): This isn't a good basis for choosing if you should pursue your co-worker or stay with your husband. You know and see your co-worker in a completely different context than your husband. You don't pay bills together or share the burden of childcare and mundane daily stresses and each other's bad habits. so of course he looks like a more attractive person than your husband. I mean he could really be a better mate for you than your husband, it is possible but there's no way to know if this is the case or not from the way your 'relationship' with him is because it's not a real relationship so if he does turn out to be a better mate than your husband it would be a lucky coincidence. you should only commit to someone that you've dated in a real relationship. What you have with your co-worker isn't real. so you should first give up your marriage, and he should give up his, but not to guarantee each other a committed relationship but just so you are now in a position to see IF you two could have something going for real, and know that it might turn out that you both aren't really suited for each other in the "real world" after all. so that's why you should already have given up your marriage if you want to be with someone else because that's the only way to determine if any other guy is going to be a good partner for you, you can't test drive a new relationship while still married to someone else!But if you would only give up your marriage(s) if you could already guarantee that what you have with each other is real and would work out, well I don't think this will work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): with both of you still married to other people but having an affair and not stating what you really are thinking or feeling to each other, going by actions alone, it's no wonder you're completely confused and in this mess. How can you expect this guy to "move forward" with you if you're both married? the very fact that you're both married to other people and not budging means that your affair partner is not a priority in your lives. So how much of a priority are you supposed to be making each other? And maybe you're thinking you don't want to end your marriage unless you know this guy will 'move forward' with you. So it's a chicken and egg problem. Basically you want him to be the one to make the first move, only then will you make your move. But you obviously haven't told him this is what you want from him instead you're trying to figure out why he is or isn't doing what you think he should be.this is a impractical and dysfunctional way of conducting relationships, based on expecting the other person to know what you're thinking without you saying it. Relationships have to be built on honesty and openness and good communication. If you can't communicate with him, what makes you think it's even a good idea to 'move forward' into a real relationship with him?a question to consider for yourself - if this is how you conduct relationships, is this one reason why your marriage is in the drain? if you can learn to be more honest and forthright in relationships and not be holding your cards so close to your chest, holding onto secret expectations and getting mad at the other person for not being a psychic and reading your mind, then you may find that your marriage improves enough that you don't have a need to have an affair.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): I don't agree with idoneitagain when he says the guy has done nothing wrong. Are you serious??? This seems to be the consensus among men that just because they haven't had sex with the woman they haven't done anything wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG on all counts!!
This is why it is called an emotional AFFAIR. Don't be fooled and make no mistake about it. He is CHEATING with this woman emotionally and that is far worse than the physical. Take my word for it, the guy is hoping to get sex from her. NO guy chooses to have a woman as a CLOSE friend -- especially if married -- with whom he shares an ATTRACTION unless and only if the relationship will someday lead to sex. He has a wife as his supposed best friend. But his wife obviously isn't meeting all his needs. That is why he is running to the other lady (when it's convenient for him).
They are both having each other on the side. They need to be honest and decide who they want to be with. If it's each other or their spouses. They can't have it both ways and continue playing this game without people being seriously hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (25 August 2011):
Hello. Someone noticed your question and wanted to help you, so contacted me and asked if I could have a look as well. Unfortunately I don't know what to tell you. But while writing a reply to the person who messaged me I thought maybe I should tell you what I told them:-------The little I read of the question makes me just wonder the same things, so I don't have an answer to it to be honest. Men are confusing, one minute they act like they're all into you, and the next you're ignored. I never understood why. I have no other words of advice in situations like those other than you can't ever trust what a man says, but need to look to his actions. And even then men are confusing. And they call US the mysterious ones! All I know is that there isn't a text book answer for all situations. Often we just need to go with our guts and instincts. ---------All in all, what do you think is best for you? What's your gut telling you would be the best thing to do for your own good? Not morally correct, or politically correct, but correct for you to be happy?
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (25 August 2011):
He is feeling ambivalent, that's all. And no wonder, because that's often how people feel when they are in an affair. He enjoys your attention and company when it's convenient, but he doesn't want it badly enough to go out of his way to pursue it and thereby risk his wife finding out and his life come crashing down around him. He likes your company, but not enough to turn his cozy family life upside down and upset his wife and kids and inlaws.
"Shouldn't he just leave me alone if he is not ready to move forward and is unable or unwilling to make a commitment?"
Excuse me, you are expecting him to want to move forward and make a commitment, when you yourself are still married and keeping this a secret? Why don't you be the first one to move forward, by getting a divorce?
He has no obligation to you, no promises were made, no agreement was set. You are responsible for ensuring you don't get hurt by this arrangement, just as he is taking care of his own feelings.
And, how can you expect him to make a commitment to you, when your "relationship" does not have a real foundation because it's shrouded in secrecy and lack of communication and authenticity? How can you expect him to make a commitment when you yourself are not making any effort to become single and available yourself? That's a pot calling the kettle black, isn't it?
"Because I don't think I can keep going with him wanting to keep me on the side while not wanting to go any further."
But YOU are also keeping HIM on the side, because you are not divorced nor have you given any indication that you are in the process of getting divorced. From his perspective, you're keeping him on the side so that's the status of this relationship, it's to be a side relationship and nothing more, and thereby carries no obligations.
"It seems that he shows interest on his terms and when it is convenient for him. What is that telling me? "
Well you can't read his mind, so if you really want to know how he sees you and this affair relationship and what his intentions are, the only way to find out is to ask him directly. It doesn't make sense to be getting upset at him and characterizing him as unfairly stringing you along, when (a) you have not asked him directly what his intentions are instead you made assumptions and now you're making more assumptions, and (b) you're still married yourself and are thus that sends a big mixed signal to him too.
You're basically playing mind games with him, or you're creating mind games where none exist.
It's probably best for you to end this affair, and sort out what to do about your marriage first. Clearly you're very unhappy in your marriage. So you can either decide to re-commit to it and work to improve it so you'll feel better about it and your life will improve that way, or move forward with a divorce so you can be free to find and develop new relationships. There's nothing wrong with flat out asking your affair partner directly if he will leave his wife to be with you. If he says no, then rule him out but don't let that stop you from getting a divorce if you've decided that you dont' want to be with your husband anymore. But if he says yes, that still may not mean anything because the process of breaking the news to his wife and actually going through a divorce could make him have second doubts. In short, unless someone is already single when you want to be in a relationship with them, it will be a long tough road to getting into an honest open relationship with them, if that is even in the cards that is. Relationships are complicated enough as it is, without the added burden of secrecy and guilt that comes from it being an affair as well.
...............................
A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (25 August 2011):
The short version of my view on things is that the two of you have become close, there is attraction, and he recognises that this puts pressure on his marriage and family, so he is backing off a little and putting some of his focus back into his family and marriage. You on the other hand, consider your marriage as dead and was hoping that he would feel the same so that you could both leave your marriages and get together. That doesn't sound like it is happening.
You are also upset that you feel he is stringing you along. He isn't. He is happy to be close to you emotionally and with his communication, accept there is a natural attraction, but you haven't ever been anything more than a close friend to him, and it doesn't look like that will change either. He hasn't done anything wrong, and he is not letting it upset his marriage, which is his responsibility to his wife.
You on the other hand are not fulfilling your responsibility to your husband, and he is not fulfilling his responsibility to you, because you have allowed your marriage to die. You are also not fulfilling your responsibility to yourself because you are living in a dead relationship and deserve more, as does he. The good news is, you have the possibility to have much more. You can choose to revive your marriage, which can be done, especially if your marriage was once good, or you can get out of your dead marriage and start living life again.
This man is taking care of everything that is missing from your marriage, but he is not the answer. The answer lies in you finding a real solution to the things that are not being taken care of in your marriage. Start there, and things will get better in the end, whichever path you take.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): This man is a selfish, self absorbed scum bucket who has low self esteem. He needs to find it by using and manipulating women with a good heart like yours. Makes him feel like the man when he is preying on vulnerable women. Thinks he's special playing with the emotions of a vulnerable woman. He's pathetic and desperate if that's the only way he thinks he can score.
Yes, I agree that he is not jumping through hoops to see you because he is not willing to leave his wife and family for you but if you call him and offer him sex, watch the pig jump through hoops faster than you've seen any pig move before!!!
He didn't get involved with you for no reason. He does want you but only for ONE THING. The inconsistency in his behaviour shows this. He isn't looking to marry you. He's looking to get laid. And trust me, if it isn't you, he will find another woman. He has probably done it before. And at the end of the day, he will always go back home to his wife and kids. He's got it made, having his cake and eating it, too.
He is bored with his wife in the sack, probably been married awhile, and needs to spice it up. That is why he has been playing you. Let him go back to her and continue being bored out of his mind. You are worth far more than to be this guy's real life blow up doll.
Men like this give the rest of them a bad rap. Sometimes the married ones are the worst of the bunch.
I hope that knowing this guy's lack of character helps you move on with your life...
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2011): You need to move on. He is married and trying to have you on the side. Is this the kind of man you want to be with? If he REALLY loved you, he would be calling you all the time, he would be after you and couldn't stand being without you over the summer. He WOULD answer your emails instead of ignoring them. His silence speaks volumes. He seems to want you on his terms only. Looks to me like he is interested in sex only and is not as emotionally attached to you as you are to him. He is emotionally invested in his wife and family. Maybe his marriage is not in as bad a spot as yours. If you show him you have moved on, trust me, he will, too. He is doing this to you because you are allowing him to. Sorry.
...............................
A
male
reader, HelpyMcHelperson  +, writes (25 August 2011):
This man is no good for you. As you said he had plenty of chances to make a move but has failed to do so. The fact that he makes no effort to contact you when you are not around suggests that he doesn't want to risk his family life at home and that suggests no desire on his part to leave his wife. It is going to be hard, especially since you are feeling so vulnerable right now but you have to get him out of your personal life. Block his emails, do not return your calls and make it clear you are not interested.As for when you start working together at your school again let him know that you will be professional but you have no interest in speaking to him in matters unrelated to work and you are nothing more than colleagues. As for you feeling lonely at home (I know you didn't ask for advice on this part but the two are linked) do you have any friends or family you can rely on for support? If you leave your husband will any of them be able/willing to take you in? If you know someone who will be willing to give a helpful ear to your problems it will help you deal with your problems and also help you get over the aforementioned married man.
...............................
|
